


The Daughter of a Righteous Man

by themoonandotherslikeit



Series: The Look in Her Eyes [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, F/M, Family, Friendship, LGBTQ, Love, Romance, otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-26 14:26:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 88,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18181781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonandotherslikeit/pseuds/themoonandotherslikeit
Summary: *SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES* After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren't always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough





	1. Tranquility in the Face of Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all! If you are looking at this for the first time make sure you know that this is the sequel to my original fic The Look in Her Eyes! If you haven’t read it, please check it out first! Enjoy :)

__ Ava

" _You need to get up."_

" _Mmm. I'm never getting up." I said, snuggling closer to Dean. I could hear his heartbeat under my ear. My head was on his bare chest._

" _You have to."_

" _You're not my boss." I said, kissing his skin. He smelled like leather, pine, and whiskey. I could drown in the smell. "Mmmm."_

" _What?" He asked softly._

" _I want to remember this. The way that your skin smells. The way that your heart sounds."_

" _You're such a girl." He whispered, twisting his fingers in my hair._

" _I am." I breathed. "You've never complained before."_

" _I'm not complaining." His lips pressed into my hair._

_This is what it was like. It's what I imagined heaven to be like. Dean and I just twisted together, breathing each other in. An endless warmth. Where he ended I began, and I, in turn, bled back into him._

I never believed in marriage, because I didn't believe in love. I didn't think there was a person I could love enough to give half my life. I was wrong. There he was. The man to whom I gave my whole life. My soul belonged to Dean Winchester.

Now he was dead.

I opened my eyes slowly, blinking, startled by the light. "Hey." Sam said softly, he was holding my hand.

My head pounded, and I could hear beeping and the itch of hospital sheets. I reached for my belly in alarm. Tiny monitors were placed on it. "Sam?" I croaked.

Even though I knew he wouldn't be there I still searched the room with my eyes. The stillness of the room made me almost faint again. That's what happened.. right?

"Hey, Shh. You're okay. The doctor is still running tests, but she's worried you're preeclamptic."

His words made my breath catch in my throat. "The baby... she's..."

"She's okay. The doc already gave you something to help her lungs grow in case she needs to come early."

I sat up slowly, Sam placing pillows behind my back. The room was spinning. All the headaches, dizziness, and cramping were leading up to this. I didn't tell anyone. I risked her life.

My eyes widened. "Dean..."

His mouth curled down and he took in a shaking breath. He held out his fist to me, and lowered it into my flattened palm.

When he moved his hand I saw small metal circle right above my life line. His wedding ring. I curled my fingers around it, feeling a swell of pain roll through me again.

"Hey." Sam said, alarmed. "Doc mentioned to keep you calm, because the stress... it's making your blood pressure off the charts. You have to stay calm."

I met his eyes. Not quite as green as Deans, but still familiar. They were dilated, full of love and concern. "How can I do this? I... What about a funeral? Will I even get to say goodbye?"

"I'm going to bury him. We just need to see what happens with you and Peanut."

The ring seemed to burn hot in my hand. "Bury him? He wouldn't want that. A hunters funeral..." I couldn't say it. _Burn his body. His body. He isn't even in there anymore. Because he is in Hell. Burning for real._

"No." Sam said sharply. "He's going to need that body for when I'm finished." He stood up.

"For when you're finished with what?" I asked, alarmed.

"I have to try, Ave. I think you know that. You're right. You need him here. I'm no replacement for Dean."

"Sam that's not what I meant." I stuttered, not able to disagree with him comfortably. I needed Dean, but I knew what he would want, and it wasn't that. I grabbed for his hand, catching his fingers in mine.

He turned to look at me.

"Here." I said, pulling his hand to my stomach. Peanut was kicking. I placed his palm against her foot and watched his eyes widen. He looked like a child.

"That's amazing."

I closed my eyes hard.

_"That was a kick." I said with a smile._

_His green eyes met mine. They were wide. "That was the craziest thing I've ever felt."_

_"Tell me about it."_

_He sat up, and put his hand on my stomach. "Do you think she will do it again?"_

_"Probably." I shrugged, sitting up a bit._

_He stared at my stomach impatiently._

_"Maybe if you talk to her?"_

_"You think that'll work?"_

_I shrugged again. "Worth a shot."_

_He leaned down and put his face near my rounded belly. "Hey little one. I'm..." He swallowed hard. "I'm your Dad. I just wanted to say..." His eyes flickered to mine, and I gave him a smile of encouragement. "I wanted to say that I love you more than anything. I don't say that lightly, either."_

_He patted my stomach and placed a small kiss on it. "You know you've got the best mom, right? She's so beautiful, and loving. She makes some damn good spaghetti." He grinned widely. "She will be the kind of mom that cooks you dinner. Like real dinner, and not McDonalds or a roadside diner."_

_He rested his forehead against my belly, lost in his conversation with our daughter. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry that I won't get to see you grow up. I never wanted that. I wanted to be better, but I guess some things are fate no matter what we do. Just know, baby girl, that if there was a chance to be with you and your mom I'd take it, because you're my life."_

_I sucked in my breath, trying not to cry, and Peanut must've felt the same because I felt a little pressure and watched Deans eyes light up. "She kicked me right in the forehead!"_

_"Little fighter already."_

My heart was broken, but I wouldn't forget the promise I made to him to take care of Peanut. I put my hand over Sams. We were a family. This was all we had left.

I watched Sams face as he fell in love with my daughter. He was taken with her immediately. We were bonding over our loss. We couldn't live without him, but we had to try.

A swift knock came to the door and Sam backed away from me, his hands folded together. "Yes?"

It was my OB, Dr. Dominic, she had a kind smile and her graying hair was pulled into a bun. "Good, Mrs. Winchester, you're awake."

"Please, Ava." I smiled.

"We will need to keep an eye out on your condition. It's very important that you stay calm." She sat on the edge of my bed. "Sam told me what you've been through. That you lost your husband suddenly. I will not let you lose this baby, but I need you to fight with me. Try."

My eyes stung and a knot grew in my throat. I was choking on it. She said it out loud. I could hear my heart rate pick up on the machine.

"From now on this room will be a tranquil zone." She put her hand on my stomach. "We need to keep the little one in there cooking as long as we can."

I nodded. I couldn't breathe from my pain in my chest, from the crack in my heart.

"Let's take a look." She lifted my gown and nodded to a tech that I didn't notice enter. The tech rolled the machine over. Dr. Dominic put the jelly on my stomach and rolled the wand along my skin. "There she is."

Sam grabbed my arm in shock. I watched the grainy picture form a beautifully made child. I wondered if she looked like him. If she would have his glowing green eyes. If she would inherit his love for pie, and his large toothy smile. I would keep it together for her. For the little piece of Dean I had left. I slid his ring onto my finger even though it fit loosely. I looked to Sam just as a tear rolled down his cheek.

He knew just as well as I did that she was our number one priority. She would keep us tied together. She would keep us from falling apart.

Sam

I couldn't get the image of my brothers baby on the monitor. The sound of her heartbeat fluttering away.

I would do anything to protect her, and her mother. They deserved to have Dean back. We all did.

She was asleep, cuddled in pillows to support her large round frame. Her foot hung out of the blanket, a pillow tucked between her legs. I smiled. She was beautiful. Even more so pregnant. Dean had always thought so.

" _Stop staring, dude, you're creepy."_

" _It's not creepy." He frowned at me. "She looks amazing."_

" _You're different now." I commented, noticing his relaxed expression._

" _Yeah, well."_

" _Love does that I guess."_

" _It isn't love." He said sharply, even though his raised eyebrows told a different story. He looked at her like he looked at the Impala. He couldn't believe she was his, and he did a bad job hiding it from the moment he found out she was pregnant. From the moment he found out he would be a father._

I clasped his necklace around my own neck, tucking it into my shirt. "I'll make you proud." I promised him. I crept out of the room, slowly shutting the door behind me. He wouldn't forgive me if I succeeded, but he at least he would be there to be mad. At least he would be alive.

—————————

It seemed to be in our nature, as Winchester's, to do things that are unwise. Specifically to take care of the ones that we love. My brother never said goodbye to me. He never told me that he loved me.

We just weren't that kind.

Large flurries of snow fell from a dark sky. December had come in before we even knew it. It was almost Christmas. The ground was hard, and frozen. I dug my knife into it, forcing it to break. Begging it to. I clawed at the ice until my fingers bled.

I begged it to open up for me. "Come on!" I shouted into the night sky. The flakes fell into my hair. It was in my eyes, hanging in my face.

I dug, forcing my fingers into the hard dirt. I broke it a bit, taking the knife and wildling away at the hard ground.

The hole was shallow, but it would do well enough. I laid my box within the hole in the center of the cross road. I pushed the icy dirt over the box, and looked to the sky to say the summoning.

I shouted into the night again and again, until my throat burned. I fell forward, my forehead touching the snow covered ground.

"Sam." A woman's voice said, a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find a dark haired woman crouching in front of me. "They're not coming."

I didn't recognize her, but there was something about the familiarity of her touch, and the flakes in her eyelashes. "Ruby?"

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there."

"Sorry that Lilith sent you back to Hell."

"I broke a nail clawing my way out." She said with a wink. "Stand up, Sam."

I met let her pull me up, standing a good foot taller than her. "I want to make deal."

"No. There's no deal. Not for you."

I pushed away from her. "You're a demon! Right? Right!? Don't you want my soul?"

"Oh Sam." Ruby shook her head. "Not just from me. No one can deal with you. Lilith has other plans. I'm sorry."

"You have to help me save him." I said, grabbing her biceps.

"There is no help for him, Sam. You're smarter than that." She said, slapping my hands away.

I stared at her, her breath visible in the frozen air.

"Maybe I'm not."

"There are so many bigger things at play."

"Like what?"

Ruby folded her arms across her chest. "They don't tell me shit. I'm crafty, but I'm not exactly included in what Hell has planned. I just wanted to tell you to stop. Don't bother. You can summon all you want, but no one will come."

"He was going to be a father. He will be a father, and Ava deserves to have him here."

"Well he's not here." Ruby snapped. "You are. He would want you to keep fighting. To get stronger."

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you saying?"

"Let's send some bitches back to Hell. If they won't help you then we will get rid of them." She smiled something sinister, and I was reminded again who she was. What she was.

As tempting as it was, I could still see Deans eyes. The disappointment. " _No more demon blood, Sam. There's another way. I won't let you be a monster."_

I couldn't. Not like that. I wanted him back, but not like that. Not unless I had to. Not unless there was no other way.

Ava

Sam was gone. He left in the night the first night I was in the hospital. and I hadn't seen him since. Bobby was around, he brought me flowers in an old bottle of whiskey.

"You look good." He commented awkwardly.

He brought me some clothes. One of Deans shirts, stretched tightly over my belly long with a pair of stretchy yoga pants. One of his flannels. It smelled like him. I closed my eyes, pretending he was there. "Finally got to shower." I said dryly.

"I brought everything you asked for." He said adjusting his hat.

"Thank you."

He handed me a bag with pink butterflies, and tissue paper out of the top. "You got me a gift?"

"Eh, it's no big deal."

I smiled and lowered myself into the bed, sitting down the bag. I pulled out the tissue paper piece by piece. "Bobby." I breathed as I pulled out a deep red baby blanket. It had white lace edges. The yarn was soft but clearly old. "What is this?"

"It was your mom's when we were kids."

I laid it on my belly. Her first blanket. "I didn't shop enough. I was too worried. My baby bag is pathetic." I sucked in my breath of avoid tears. "Have you heard from Sam?"

"I'm sorry, I haven't." He sighed. "Idgit needs to come back."

"He doesn't want to be here. This isn't his family." I said resting my hand on my stomach. "Even if I thought he wanted it to be."

"These boys are complicated. I warned you of that." He said with a sad smile.

"You did." I pressed my lips together. "But I didn't listen."

"You were meant to be a Winchester. So stubborn."

"Speaking of stubborn Winchester's." I said folding the blanket. "Have you spoken to John?"

"He left too. Didn't even see..." He stopped and looked down.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "He would be so disappointed."

I spun his wedding ring on my finger. I needed a better place for it. A chain. A way to keep him close.

"He would be proud of you." Bobby said with a nod. "How is your blood pressure?"

"Not good, but not as bad as when I got here." I held my belly. "I need to keep her in. Keep her safe."

Although I didn't know what I'd do when she came out.

Bobby left me with a kiss. I lit my lavender candles and turned on my calming music. I sat crisscrossed on my hospital bed and closed my eyes, rubbing my belly. "Sweet Peanut. I am strong for you. I will be strong for you. I know that is so much to ask from someone so small." I let the tears roll down my cheeks. In the privacy of my own quiet Hell. "We never even named you. He will never know your name."

I fell in love with Dean Winchester in a bar, on a beach, in a motel room. I fell in love with his eyes, and snark. I fell in love with his understanding, and the thing she never would understand. I fell in love with a man who sacrificed everything. A man who didn't know the word love. I found my soul mate, just to have him ripped away from me.

I winced at a cramp in my stomach. "Shh little one."

Everything with the Winchester's was fast. The clock always ticking. Time always running out. Now was not any different. Which was only fair, because I was a Winchester now. Maybe I always had been. I hoped I always would be.


	2. To The Ends of The Earth

Ava

"This is Sams phone, leave me message." _Beep._

"Sam it's me." I began. My forehead was pressed against the cold window. It was snowing. It had been two weeks since I'd seen Sam. Two weeks since Dean died. I was still stuck in the hospital. My blood pressure was borderline, and if it got any worse I'd have to be induced. "I know this is hard. Trust me I do, but please come back." My voice was shaking. It took everything in me to keep it together, and I was failing. "Please come home." I hung up the phone and tossed it onto the hospital bed.

Deans ring hung on a chain around my neck, safely between my breasts. Right over my heart.

" _You tryin to put a spell on me, Ave?" Dean asked me, as he examined the symbols on his wedding ring._

" _Yup. A love spell." I wiggled my eyebrows._

" _I knew it!" He pulled me against him._

" _I guess you're stuck with me."_

_He leaned down and pressed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "How will I survive a life that horrible?"_

" _You won't survive." I said simply. "I'm a black widow. I'll eat you for supper."_

_He raised an eyebrow and grinned widely. "Promise?"_

" _Dean Winchester!" I gasped, smacking his shoulder._

_He shrugged. "You said it, not me."_

_He ran his fingers down my back, causing me to press against him. "I did."_

_I met his eyes. Green, with a taste of Tennessee whiskey flooding the center around his iris. "what?" He asked quietly, his breath on my lips._

" _I just can't believe I married Dean Winchester."_

" _I can't believe I ever got married." He grinned widely. "And to a freaking fox."_

_I felt my cheeks heat up. "Whatever."_

" _You didn't just marry me because I knocked you up, right?"_

_I rolled my eyes. "Did you marry me because you knocked me up?"_

" _Would that be a problem?" He asked mischievously._

_He was trying to rile me up. To get my heat boiling. I narrowed my eyes. "We haven't consummated the marriage. I can still get an annulment."_

_Dean grinned and scooped me up into his arms. "Well let's remedy that." He pressed his lips to my jaw and kissed up to my ear. "I'm not letting you get away that easily, Detective."_

I moved away from the window. It had a circle of fog from my breath. It felt ethereal out there. The world was in a blizzard, and I was stuck here inside a sterile bubble.

A swift knock came to the door. "Come in."

A young blonde woman in a stocking cap came thorough the door. She wore dark lipstick and carried a leather bag. "Are you Ava Winchester?"

"That's me." I said, waddling to her. I extended my hand and she took it. "You must be Maggie."

She nodded with a smile. She took off her cap and scarf. Her neck was covered in tattoos that rolled down into her sweater. Her skin was a canvas for the stars.

Maggie was a witch. I had it on good accord that she was very powerful, but she didn't practice dark arts. I needed her help.

"How can I help you, Ava? I can see your aura." She frowned. "It's very muddy. You're not in good physical or mental health. I can see if I can help with that..."

I touched her hand, causing her to stop cold. She met my eyes. "I need help with something else. I hope you can help me."

She looked me over. Her deep mahogany eyes bore sadness. "You have so much pain within you. It's radiating off of you. It isn't good for a child."

"Maggie, please."

"How can I help you?"

I heard she was a powerful witch and a psychic. She claimed to be an empath, and to be able to pick up on people's emotions. I must've been a whirl wind for her. I knew I was a mess. No amount of concealer could hide the circles under my eyes and the constant puffiness they held.

I was experiencing a loss like I never had. My whole family fell through my fingers like water.

I hadn't just lost Dean, but Sam was lost to me too. I was completely alone.

"My husband was taken to Hell. I need him back."

Maggie sat up a little straighter. "I don't think you understand what I do."

"I do. You're a witch. There has to be a way to pull him from Hell. I've tried every contact I can think of... I'm running out of options."

The witch sighed and shook her head. "I can't pull him from Hell. Even if I was willing to try, which I'm not, I couldn't. I don't know of a witch that could. Not even the grand coven could get their fingers into something like that. I'm sorry, Ava. I really am. I see the pain you're in, but once a soul is in Hell it stays. Forever. There is no escape from that."

She wrapped her scarf back around her neck and put her stocking cap over her ears.

"Please." I begged, reaching for her. "I can't live without him."

She took my hand. "You can. I see strength in you. Anyone else wouldn't be able to handle the pain you have. Just hang in there."

"Hang in there?" I asked, pulling my fingers away. "That's all I get? What is the fucking point?" My heart rate leapt on the monitor. "What's the point of any of it if he is dead?"

"Ava, I'm sorry." She said as she buttoned her coat. She took her bag and left my room, once again leaving me alone.

I fell back on to the bed and I wept. Tears flowed out of me like a burst fire hydrant. I cried out in pain. This was nothing compared to what I felt before. The complete loss of hope was devastating. There was no moving on from it.

I glanced up, wiping my eyes and caught sight of the date. December 23rd. I met Dean exactly one year ago. He was with me for less than a year before he died.

Something got me up. I tore the monitors off of me. I slid into my snow boots and wrapped myself in my coat. It didn't close because of my large stomach, but I didn't care. I wrapped my scarf around my neck and walked right out of the hospital into the storm.

" _Excuse me mam."_

" _You're excused." I said, examining my papers. I was working a case and it was troubling me. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was on the tip of my tongue._

_"Mam my name is Special Agent Carter. Can I ask you a few questions?"_

_Agent? Are you fucking kidding me? That's the last thing I need. I shut my folder and turned to him. My annoyance was halted when I saw the man in front of me. He was tall and strong. He has these hypnotizing green eyes, and a matching green tie to boot. His skin was sun kissed, and his hands looked rough. He was young, around my age. He wasn't like any agent I'd ever seen. But still an agent, Ava, get it together. "Special agent, huh? Can I see your badge?"_

_He handed it to me, our fingers brushing. I examined his badge. He had a pout in his picture. A lip that was begging to be bitten. I swallowed hard. It had been too long. "Agent Carter, you're a little far from home, aren't you?"_

" _Yes mam." He smiled widely at me, making my heart thud in my chest. I had a feeling he knew he had that effect on women._

" _What are you doing in my little town?"_

_"I'm looking into the suspicious deaths that have happened in this town." He said, leaning closer to me. "I don't suppose you knew anything about that?"_

_My breath hitched in my throat as I smelled the beer on his lips. Suddenly the attraction melted away, like I had broken his spell. "Why would I?"_

_"I don't know, mam. That's why I'm asking. Listen, we can do this the easy way or the hard way."_

_I laughed out loud. He was so infuriating! "You feds are so squirrelly. What? You're not used to getting your way. Can't intimidate a girl so you're getting your panties in a bunch." I handed his badge back._

_"Listen Miss..."_

_"That's Detective Langston, to you, agent." I said sliding out my own badge. I couldn't count how many times men underestimated me and my position in the force. I worked my ass off and I wouldn't have some hot shot in a cheap suit under-mind me, no matter how fuckable he was._

_"A little young for a detective."_

_"I could say the same thing about you, agent. I know for a fact my office didn't call you down here. So why does DC have a concern about some missing locals?"_

_"Listen, sweetheart."_

_That was the last straw. I exploded. "God, that's just typical. Isn't it? Sweetheart? Listen, you condescending asshat." I stood up and pressed my index finger against his chest. "I want to speak to your supervisor, agent."_

"Mam?" The cab driver asked, trying to get my attention. "We are here."

"Thanks." I said, handing him some cash.

"Stay warm out there!" He called after me as I shut the door.

I stepped into the snow. It was unearthly quiet. The cab drove away, leaving me in a blanket of white, staring at a single wooden cross. A pathetic grave marker.

I stepped through the snow, slowly approaching the marker. I stood in front of it and slowly fell to my knees. I pressed my palm to the freezing wood. "Dean." I gasped out. "I'm so sorry I'm late." Hot tears rolled down my cheeks.

Images from him lying dead in my arms, to smiling at me in the bar were flashing along my vision. I tried to focus on his smile, but I felt like I was falling. The images tripping through my mind in a landslide.

I yearned for his hand on my shoulder to ground me. I held tighter on the cross instead.

"Peanut is okay. Although I can't call her that forever."

" _Peanut is a real name."_

"Maybe I can." I said defeated. The snow was coming down rapidly around me, covering me.

"How am I supposed to do this without you?" I pressed my forehead to the cross. "I came to say goodbye, but I don't think I can. It's not in me... I'm not strong enough."

I closed my eyes and tried to manifest him. I needed to see him one last time. I needed to bring him home to me.

I could see him in my mind, crouching next to me. He would smile and push my hair away from my face _. Don't be sad for me sweetheart._

"You know I hate that."

_No you don't. You can't hate anything I do._

"I hate that you left me alone."

_You're not alone._

My temples pounded. The rough wood from the cross felt softer. My forehead was against his.

"I am alone. You left me."

_You have Peanut. You have Sam._

"Sam left me too. Everyone leaves me. Everyone..."

_I'm here. I'm always with you._

"I love you." I gasped out, my breath a puff of fog.

_I know._

I was dizzy. I didn't feel the cold anymore. It felt nice, like I was in his embrace again. Maybe if I could just sleep I'd feel better. Maybe I'd wake up and this would all be a dream.

Sam

I sped through the storm. I finally checked my messages and there was one from the hospital. Ava left with no warning. I just hoped that when I found her she would be okay. That her baby would be okay.

I've been an idiot. Selfish. As if sending demons back to Hell would make a difference. As if that would help my brother.

I pulled up to Deans grave and flung the door open to the Impala. I jogged to the grave. Through the snow I could see a form laying at the base of his grave. She was covered in a blanket of snow, but even under the white I could see her black curls sprawled out around her.

"Ava!" I shouted, running to her. I pulled her into my arms. "Hey, Ava." Her lips were blue but she was breathing. "Shit!" I picked her up. Even with the pregnancy weight she was light.

I laid her in the back seat and drove to the hospital, fighting against the storm. I was so fucking stupid. I should’ve never left. I had to save her. I had to save them.

—————-

The last hour was a mess. She was warmed up, but the situation had her blood pressure through the roof. She had still been out of it, but her doctor insisted that we deliver. If she wouldn't, they would have to do an emergency C-section. I knew she didn't want that.

I sat next to her bed side, like I had a year ago after her attack. I held her hand and rubbed circles on the back of her hand. Her skin was warm, when only an hour ago I worried she would never warm up again.

She was so much more than just my brothers wife. She was my best friend. I loved her. I didn't want to lose her.

"Sam?"

"Hey." I said, perking up.

"I've been calling you." She complained softly.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"He's gone." Ava's lip trembled, and I pulled her against me. She cried into my chest.

I wrapped my arms around her, and I tried to be strong. To hold her together. "I know." I said, burying my face in her hair.

My brother was dead. It was never supposed to happen like this. It was supposed to be Dean and I together. Live together, die together. Dean was gone, and it was so fucking unfair.

"Ava listen to me." I said, taking her face in my hands. "You can't do something like that again."

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

I wiped her tears with my thumbs. "I know. I'm sorry we couldn't do that. I'm sorry that I left. I won't do it again."

"You won't?"

"No, Ave. I'm here. I know I'm not Dean. I don't want to replace him... But if you want me here, I'm here."

She burst into tears again.

"Shit, I'm sorry!" I stumbled over my words. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"You... didn't. I'm happy you're back." She looked down at her belly. "Is my baby okay?"

"She is, but your doctor wants to deliver. I'm sorry Ave."

"No, no, no! She isn't ready." Her breathing started up rapidly and she held onto me.

"Hey, Shh. Stay calm. It's okay. I'm here. I'll be here the whole time." I paused and met her eyes. "Well until you kick me out."

She bit down on her lip and tried to breathe. "Sam Winchester, I will not be kicking you out. I won't ever let you walk out on me again."


	3. Eleanor Mary Winchester

Ava

" _Are you scared?"_

" _To give birth? Uh, yes. I think I'd be stupid not to be."_

_Dean propped himself up on his elbow. He ran his fingers along my stomach. "What are you afraid of?"_

" _The pain. I don't want to be ripped in half."_

" _What else?" He drew designs on my stomach with his finger._

" _I don't want something to happen o her. I want her to be safe."_

_He smiled. "You will be okay. You both will be."_

" _How do you know that?"_

" _I've been reading those books."_

_I raised an eyebrow. "You hate research."_

" _Yeah but this is researching the female body." He said casually. "So it's fun."_

" _There is nothing fun about squeezing a nine pound Winchester head out of my vagina." I snapped at him._

_He looked horrified. "Kind of glad I won't see that."_

" _Dean..." I sighed._

" _You know I'm not happy about that. I'm just kidding. I'd be right up by your head the whole time. I won't let anything ruin that image for me."_

" _What image?"_

" _This one." He said, kissing down my body. He placed himself between my legs and peaked up at me from below my swollen abdomen before ducking under the blanket._

I was in Hell. They had placed the balloon catheter 30 minutes ago to help my cervix open up. I'd never felt pain like that before. It rolled through my body through my stomach and into my thighs. Sam was trying his best, but it was mostly just awkward.

"Do you want ice or anything?"

I looked up at him with a pained expression. I couldn't even speak. I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to be held. I wanted my husband. I wanted my mom.

I held the pillow against my stomach as my muscles spasmed. The nurse came in. I didn't see her, I just heard the sunshine in her voice. "My name is Tara and I'll be your night nurse. How are things going?"

"She's in a lot of pain." Sam said nervously. "Can't you give her something?"

"Is this your first child?" She asked Sam. "The Dads are always nervous, but her body is made for this. She can do it!"

"I'm not..."

"How much longer?" I opened an eye to meet the nurse. It wasn't her fault that we were unconventional. They had given Sam a wrist band to prove he could stay. Usually it said _father._ I didn't know what it said this time. I couldn't bare to look.

"It will fall out when you're dilated enough. Hopefully soon." She said with a smile. "Try a cold cloth on your head. It may help with the dizziness." She made a few scribbles on her pad and exited. I closed my eyes again.

I heard Sam run water. He lowered himself down on the bed, and he slowly pressed the cold compress to my forehead. She was right, it helped center me. I felt Sam begin to stand, and I grabbed ahold of him. "Wait." I whispered.

I opened my eyes to look at him, he looked so young with his hair in his eyes. "Distract me."

"Yeah, um, okay." He looked up at the ceiling. "When we were kids it was just us and Dad. Dad would leave for days at a time and so it always ended up being just Dean and I."

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on his words. Anything but the pain.

"He was a parent to me. He would cook me Mac and cheese in ways I didn't even know what was possible. One night he made it with marshmallows. I thought he was a genius."

I smiled and rubbed my belly. I could imagine him cooking marshmallow Mac and cheese for our daughter.

"He did everything to protect me. When I was a kid he would threaten to beat up the other kids if they were mean to me, even though I could take them myself. I was never too weird for him, or too nerdy. He was never embarrassed of me."

I felt a tear run down my cheek, and Sam caught it before it could fall.

"But it wasn't always sunshine. I was bald for two weeks because he put superglue in my conditioner. I had hair on my hands for over a week. It was horrible. He said men don't use conditioner." He shrugged. "I still use it now so I showed him. Well that started a massive prank war."

I smiled up at him, my eyes barely open enough to see his wide smile as he talked about his brother.

"I retaliated by injecting hot sauce into his condoms. Let me tell you that was an awkward trip to the ER."

My eyes widened. "What? Sam you could've killed them!"

He shrugged. "I was a sad, bald kid. I wanted vengeance."

"Please tell me that you have pictures."

"If there was they're burned now." Sam laughed. "I'm just happy Dad wasn't sentimental."

"How did Dean get you back?"

"Dad shut it down after the ER visit. I don't know what happened because he didn't talk to me about it. I think Dean took all the blame."

I frowned and sighed.

"You're doing better." He commented gently.

"I'm able to take deep breaths so I think you're right. Maybe I'm finally almost done."

It was like it was waiting for permission. Permission to finally start. For things to be real. For me to be happy. I reached between my legs and there the sucker was. I grinned widely. "Thank god."

Sam looked nauseous, and I couldn't help but laugh. "What's so funny?" He asked, uncomfortably.

"I was just thinking that you can see blood and guts, but birth makes you uncomfortable."

Sam ran his fingers through his hair. "I just don't like to see you in pain."

Sam

She had been at it for almost a day. It was Christmas Eve and suddenly I felt like we may have the best Christmas present.

"You know Christmas always sucked when I was a kid." She had one arm hooked in mine and the other on her belly. We were walking the halls trying to speed things up. Her blood pressure was still okay, and so there was no need for a c section, not yet. I was doing everything I could to keep her calm.

"What was it like?"

"Usually uneventful. Dad would give us some crappy gifts that he got at the gas station, if he even remembered, and then he would pass out drunk in front of the tv."

She glanced up at me, tightening her grip. "We will do things different for her, Sam. We will give her everything we never had."

_We._

It felt weird, and almost wrong to be here. He should be the one walking with her, but he wasn't. He left me here to watch out for her. So why do I feel so guilty?

"Want to sit down?" I asked her, gesturing to the window seat.

"Yeah, sure." She said, out of breath. We sat down and she immediately went into a contraction. She squeezed my arm, and I breathed with her.

"You can do this."

"Whew." She said after a minute. "This sucks." She laughed dryly. "Wish Dean was here so I could just punch him for making me go through this."

"He would probably be drinking. He's a strong guy, but I doubt he could handle seeing this."

"You're probably right." She sounded sad as she stared at the window. "Maybe we should call Bobby and your dad. I don't want them to miss meeting her because of the storm."

I winced. I couldn't imagine Dad here. No matter how smitten he was with Ava, he was never the cuddly type. "I'll call them when we get back to the room."

"Okay." She exhaled. Ava met my eyes. "This is weird."

"It is." I admitted with a laugh. "You're right about that."

"You don't have to be here, Sam. I know your last name is Winchester, but that doesn't mean you owe us anything."

"I know." I said with a smile. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked outside at the snow. "It's not about owing you. You're my family. You and your baby. I will be here as long as you want me to be."

Ava grabbed for my arm and squeezed as she experienced another contraction. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. "Maybe we should go back to your room." I offered.

She nodded and when the contraction subsided she stood up shakily. We went to her room and she sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm gonna call Dad and Bobby and get them up here. Will you be okay for a few minutes?"

She nodded and gripped her knees, having another contraction.

I stepped into the hallway and dialed. "Dad."

"Sam? Is everything okay?"

"We are at the hospital. Ava is in labor and she asked for you. She's worried that you will get snowed out and won't be able to meet the baby."

He was silent on the line for almost a minute. "She wants me there?"

"You and Bobby." I said into the phone.

"I'll come."

"Really?"

"Yes, Son. I'll be there." _Click._

———————

Dad and Bobby were in the waiting room.

" _Do you want to see her?" I asked, greeting Dad and Bobby at the door._

_They shook the snow off their coats._

" _Son, have you ever been around woman giving birth before?" Dad asked, raising his eyebrows._

" _Not until today."_

_Dad and Bobby laughed._

" _We will leave you two to it." Dad shrugged. "You'll be a better man for it."_

"Alright, Ava, you can start pushing, so let's get you in position." The doctor said, removing her fingers from Ava's cervix. I was pacing, facing away from her. My face was hot. It was going to be a long night. "Let's get her into position." She said to a nurse.

I glanced at Ava's face, she looked alarmed. "Hey," I said nodding to her. "You've got this."

She smiled at me weakly as they placed her feet in the stirrups.

I felt out of place, and suddenly I wished I was out there with Dad.

I made sure I was level with her head, but still far enough back to where I wouldn't interfere with the doctors. The room was busy with nurses. The OB settled between Ava's legs on a small stool. Ava had small wires attached to her stomach to measure her contractions and the baby's heartbeat.

When her contraction came and went the doctor leaned in. "Okay Ava push for me."

Ava gripped the sheets in her hands, and I watched her face turn red as she strained, rolling her whole body to help the little one out. I winced along with her, because I could tell she was in pain. She groaned out and closed her eyes.

"Good job, Ava. We will take a little break and do it again."

I gave her the thumbs up when she looked for me and she let a tear roll down her cheek. She didn't offer a smile back.

——————-

She had been pushing for an hour, with no avail. She was weak, and she stared blankly ahead of her.

"She's dropped down lower, Ava, just a few more times." The doctor promised gently.

"No." Ava whispered.

"Just try for me. I promise you will hold your baby any time now."

Ava shook her head. "No. I can't. I'm done."

"Sam can I talk to you?" The doctor asked.

We stepped outside. Her expression was serious, her eyebrows furrowed and her lips were in a line.

"If we cant get her to push in the next few minutes we will have to do an emergency C-section." The doctor said.

_Shit._ "I'll try to talk to her."

"I'm going to go ahead and get the room prepped in case you can't convince her. I'll be back in a few minutes."

_What would Dean say? How would he convince her? She needs him. Fuck, I need my brother. What am I going to do?_

I unclasped my necklace from my neck, and I walked back into the room. I tried to keep Dean with me in my mind.

"Ava." I said softly, walking to her.

She was silently crying, just staring past me.

"Hey talk to me." I whispered, crouching so I could meet her expression.

"I can't do this without him, Sam." Her voice was broken.

I took her hand, depositing his necklace into it. "He's here with you."

She opened her hand and stared at it. She shook her head and let out a single, broken sob. "No." She thrusted it back into my hand. "It's not the same, and you know it. I'm a 25 year old widow. My baby has no father. I have no husband." She was shaking, and holding her belly. "If she doesn't come out she doesn't have to see what I mess I am."

The doctor opened the door slowly, and walked in. She shook her head.

I can't fail Ava. I can't fail my niece.

"I'm falling apart, Sam. I can't hold myself together anymore. How can I be a mother if I'm in pieces?"

I looked around the room and then impulsively kicked off my shoes. "You don't have to hold yourself together. I'll do it for you." I said, moving the pillows behind her so I could slide in. I sat, with her between my legs. Her head rested on my chest and I took her hands in mine. "I'm here." I promised into her hair. "You can do this. I'll be here to hold you together. Can you try, she needs her mom. All she needs is you."

She turned and met my eyes and nodded. "Okay."

The doctor jumped into action, sitting back on her stool. "Okay Ava here comes another one... and push!"

She squeezed my hands, and I could feel her writhing against me. "Good job, Ava. You can do it." I whispered encouragements into her ear.

She nodded and pushed again.

"I see the head." The doctor said with relief. "Just a few more."

Head. Push. Shoulders. Push. And like a miracle there she was, covered in blood and goo, but still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Ava collapsed into me, and I wrapped my arms protectively. The doctor eyed me. "Do you want to cut the cord?"

I shook my head. "No." I buried my face in Ava's hair as she cried into my chest. She did it. It was amazing. "She's so beautiful." I told her as I watched the staff check her airways and measure her. I grabbed her chin in my fingers. "I'm so proud of you."

I could see it in her eyes, though, it wasn't my approval she needed. It was never mine.

Ava

I was euphoric. Maybe it was all the hormones, or the pain medication. Maybe it was just the feeling of my daughter against my bare chest. Our daughter. Dean and mine.

The bracelet around her wrist stated _baby girl Winchester._ It meant she belonged to me. I ran my finger along her nose. It was a smaller version of mine. But those tiny lips were all her father. She was pouting already in her sleep. How would I ever say no to her? She was tiny but the doctor assured me that after a few days we would be able to take her home. All of the drugs that we had given her to grow worked just as planned. She was only five pounds, but her lungs were working fine.

Sam was giving me one on one time with her. To bond. I could tell from the moment he saw her that he loved her. I loved him for that.

My sweet baby yawned, her tiny tongue sticking out. My heart squeezed in my chest.

I knew what her name would be the moment Sam wrapped his arms around me. I knew what I was missing.

"Hey." Sam said, poking his head in. "I got you a smoothie."

"Thanks." I said. "You can come in. I have something I want to tell you."

He moved into the door, almost having to duck from his height. His hair was tussled and he looked tired. He even had his buttons done up wrong on his flannel. He was a trooper.

He sat the smoothie down next to me. "Hey little warrior." He said, touching her cheek. She yawned in response. "She's all tuckered out." He said in awe.

"I know what her name is."

He looked at me with excitement. "Really? What did you pick?"

"I thought it was just Dean I was missing." I said running my fingers down her bare back. "But you made me realize that there was something else wrong." I sucked in my breath. "I wanted my mom, Sam. She should've been here, but she wasn't. So... her name is Eleanor Mary Winchester. Eleanor for my mom and Mary for yours. The Grandmas that she will never meet."


	4. Tell Me How to Be in This World

Ava

"So I'm going home? Me? Not us?" I asked with my arms crossed. Sam was packing up my stuff, keeping quiet. Coward.

"Ava you know we have to keep her monitored. She's been very jaundice. This happens with premature babies. She needs to stay under the light for a few more days and then she should be good to go home." The nurse said gently.

I wanted to cry, but mostly I was pissed. My baby was only 3 days old. She shouldn't be left alone.

The nurse looked to Sam for help before excusing herself.

"You May as well unpack because I'm not leaving."

"Come on, Ave. let's go home and get a shower and a nap and then we can come back." He said gently.

"No way." I shook my head. "I'm her mom, she needs me."

"Of course she does." He said, stepping behind me. He squeezed my shoulders. "But you both need rest. We can come back in a few hours."

Sam was right. Of course he was. "Okay, fine, but I'm going by the NICU to say goodbye."

I followed the familiar hallways and stepped into the NICU. I rubbed hand sanitizer along my hands to make sure to keep sterile environment, and I walked to her crib. Eleanor Winchester. My little Nel. "Hey sweet girl." She glowed blue under the light, sleeping like an angel. She wore only her premie diaper, hat, and her mitts to stop her from scratching her face. She looked so cute. "I am going home, but I will be right back in time for dinner, I promise." I reached in and touched her tiny belly. She had already gained weight, which was great. She was my Christmas miracle.

" _Do you want to hold her?"_

" _Me?" Sam asked, shocked. He was sitting across from me on the bed. I was sitting crisscrossed and he was at the end of the bed._

" _Yes you." I said. I got onto my knees and passed her to him._

_He nervously took her into his hands. He could hold her easily in his two hands since she was so small. He cradled her against his chest. "Wow." He breathed. "She weighs nothing."_

" _Right? She's so tiny." I said dreamily._

" _She looks like you."_

" _Just in the nose." I said. "Look at that hair, and her mouth. All Dean."_

" _Maybe." He said. He touched her cheek making her smile instinctively. "I may never love another woman." He said with a smile. "She's got my heart."_

" _Me too."_

Sam walked up behind me, and I hadn't heard him enter. "You ready?"

"I guess." I said, moving my hand away.

"Bye sweet Nel." Sam said smiling at her.

We went back to the house. I hadn't been there since before everything happened. It seemed the same, but eerily different. I swallowed hard as I passed into the living room. I couldn't bare walking deeper into the house.

"It feels so good not to smell hospital air." Sam said cheerily. "Want me to cook something?"

"I guess." I said, picking up a photo off the side table. It was one that Dean had taken of me in private when we were on a case. I was sitting outside of the Impala, staring at the house, just waiting. It felt like we were always waiting or running.

" _What?"_

" _Nothing." He shrugged casually._

I hadn't caught him snapping the photo, but I did see him staring.

" _You're being weird." I complained._

It had only been a week since our first date.

" _Hm. Maybe." He said flippantly. "Maybe this is just what happy looks like."_

" _You're not going to start watching me when I sleep, are you?"_

" _Shit, you don't like that? Guess I'll stop."_

_I rolled my eyes and walked to him. "Quit it, we are working."_

" _We are always working." He said pulling me against him. "If I can't look at you when we are working I may never see you again."_

" _Well do you want to stop working?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his neck._

" _Maybe a little." He said leaning in to kiss me, but before he did he whispered. "But the world needs us, Ave. Not sure I can let go of that responsibility yet."_

I sat the photo down and walked into the kitchen to find Sam making macaroni and cheese. "I can tell that this is you and Deans place." He laughed. "There's nothing healthy in sight."

"We didn't exactly have time to shop there near the end." I said leaning against the counter.

Being back at the house and away from Nel was giving me a dark cloud. It hung over me, threatening to swallow me whole.

"Right." Sam said as he added the cheese sauce. "Well, eat up." He handed me a bowl.

I wasn't hungry, but I took a bite.

Sam stood across the counter from me and ate his own bowl. I wasn't sure how he could seem so happy. "You seem good." I commented.

"I feel good, considering. Things were touch and go with you and El for awhile. I consider this a win, and we have to take whatever wins we can get."

I smiled a little. "You sound like him."

"He did raise me."

I looked Sam over. Samuel Winchester, with his kind eyes and soft touch. Dean would have been a wonderful father, because he already was one to Sam. "He raised a good man." I said, wiping a tear from my cheek.

"We did our best".

He reached his hand out to me and I took it, squeezing his fingers. We were finding strength in each other.

I pulled my hands away, because my emotions were washing over me too much. It was too much.

"Hey, you good?" He asked me with concern.

"No." I admitted, shaking my head. "How could I be?"

"He wouldn't want that."

"It doesn't really matter what he would've wanted." I said, bitterness in my voice. "Because he isn't here. We failed him, and I don't know if I'm angrier with him or with us."

Sam sucked in his breath, his green eyes getting foggy. "I'm angry too. I wish it were me."

"It shouldn't be either of you. Why does it always have to be one of you?" I didn't stop the tears this time.

How much can one person even cry? How many tears do I even have? At some point they have to stop, right? Or will I cry forever? Will I drown in my tears? Will that finally stop the pain?

————————

"She's looking good, Ava. I think you can take her home tomorrow." The nurse said, handing my daughter to me. "But now she's ready to eat."

"Mmm, hungry girl." I took her in my arms and lowered myself into the rocking chair. I unbuttoned the shirt Sam took from Deans closet. I let my breast out and guided Eleanor's mouth to my nipple. She latched immediately, her eyes fluttering shut.

I could watch her nurse all day. The way we flowed together was comforting to her and me. She was content, and full of quiet bliss.

I ran my fingers along her nose again. I couldn't get enough of the little pieces of her father I saw in her. I wished he could see it. I felt like I'd given up on him. "Do you think he would ever forgive me?" I whispered to her.

"He would." Sam said from behind me. "He already has."

"I didn't hear you come in." I said, pulling the blanket up over Nel. I left her head out, because I couldn't stand to not look at her after being away for a few hours. Sam would have to deal.

He walked in front of me. He sucked his breath in when he saw me feeding her, but he didn't say anything. "The moment he met you he forgave you for everything you did, and everything you ever could do."

I pet the peach fuzz on the top of her head. It was so soft. I close my eyes for a moment, seeing Deans smile behind my eyes. "I wish I was that evolved." I laughed humorlessly and opened my eyes. Sam was staring. "What?"

"It's just amazing. She came from you."

"She did. She's the best thing I've ever done."

"He loved her already."

"I know."

"Before you I never heard him say I love you." Sam said softly. "Not even to me. He loved you so much."

"He loved you too, Sam. More than he ever loved me. More than he could ever love me. The only person he may loved more than you or me is her."

Sam sucked in his breath and nodded. His face was twisted in pain. "You're probably right."

"I am right, and if you're going to stay with me that's something you should learn early. I'm always right." I said forcing a smile. Sam was in pain just like I was. We may always be in pain, but eventually it has to dull. The hope for that was all that was getting me through, well, hope and Eleanor.

_A knock came to my hospital room door. "Come in."_

_John poked his head in. "Is this a good time?"_

_I smiled and sat up a bit, cradling Eleanor against my chest. "Of course. I was starting to think you left."_

_He shuffled in awkwardly. He scratched his beard. "No, I uh... I just wanted to give you some space."_

" _I don't need space." I said trying to smile. "Want to meet your granddaughter?"_

_He nodded and slowly approached me. I moved Eleanor's blanket a bit so he could see her. The moment his eyes landed on her, the air left him. He held his chest and stared. "My god."_

" _Do you want to hold her?"_

_He shifted uncomfortably. "Okay." He picked her up and held her against his chest. I watched his tough exterior melt away. He resembled Dean in that moment. "Hey there Eleanor. I'm John... I'm.. I'm you're grandpa." He said shakily._

_I smiled at him. Dean would've loved to see that. To see his drill Sargent of a father shed a tear for someone so small._

" _She's amazing, Ava."_

" _Thank you. I think she looks like him."_

" _I do too." He smiled. "I wish I had the baby pictures of the boys. She kind of looks like Sam. His ears stuck out a bit too."_

_I smiled at the thought of the boys as babies. Mary only had a few months with Sam. She died when he was six months old._

_The thought brought a pain to my stomach. I couldn't imagine not being with my daughter. Another wave of pain hit me when I realized that's what Dean experienced. He died knowing he would never meet her._

_I met Johns eyes. "What did you do when Mary died? How did you handle a baby alone?"_

_He sighed and avoided my gaze. "I didn't. I didn't handle it. The only reason Sam was okay because I had Dean. It wasn't fair to him, and I know that now."_

_I sucked in my breath. It was only because of Dean. How was I supposed to do this without him?_

Sam

"I'll take the bags in. Are you good to get her?" I asked, stepping out of the Impala. I opened the trunk and took out her bags.

"Yeah I've got her." Ava opened the back door and unlatched Eleanors car seat. "Baby girl we are home." She whispered, kissing her face.

I unlocked the house and we stepped inside. "Is she still asleep?"

"Out like a light. A perfect angel."

"If you want to lay down I can put her in bed." I offered as she sat down the car seat.

"That'd be nice, thank you." She said lowering herself onto the couch.

I unlatched little Nel from her carrier and held her against my chest. She slept soundly with her mouth slightly opened. She looked so different already. Her cheeks were fuller and she had a small roundness to her belly. Ava was right, I recognized her sleeping lips as the ones of my brothers.

I walked back into the nursery, turning on the small lamp. It got dark early recently, making the house feel eerily quiet. I walked to her crib and laid her on her back.

I could look at her forever. I wondered if that was what true love was like. I rested my hand on her chest, feeling her raise and fall with every breath.

I sighed and moved my hand before I could think too much. I needed to check on Ava.

I walked back into the living room. "Hey Ave, maybe we can just order a pizza tonight. It's been a long day."

She didn't respond. She was curled on the couch with her shoes still on, asleep. She had been up almost constantly since we had to leave Nel at the hospital. She only slept next to Eleanor's bed.

Having her daughter home must've changed something for her, because she was sound asleep. I couldn't help but smile. We knew she was beautiful from the beginning, and head strong. She was meant for my brother. She was meant for our family.

_My phone rang in my pocket. "Hello? Bobby?"_

" _Listen here idgit." Bobby began, seriously. "Dean is at a bar talking to my niece."_

" _Your niece?" I asked, raising my eyebrows._

" _Ava. She is a detective where you are. She's with Dean, but I need you to do me a favor and leave her alone. Keep her out of all of this."_

" _We won't bring her in, Bobby, but what are you so afraid of?"_

_There was silence on the other end of the line._

" _She doesn't deserve this life, and I know you boys. You mean well, but you can pull people in. Don't pull her in, or I'll kick your ass myself. Ya hear me?"_

" _Yeah... I hear you." Click._

We didn't listen.

I pulled her boots off of her slowly. Her legs curled up within her with a quiet, sleepy groan. I laid a blanket over her. Her lips were open, and suddenly she looked so much like Nel. She was little and cute just like her daughter. She was so fierce, though. Dean called her a spitfire. He was right.

I never knew I'd be able to live without my brother, but there was something about Ava and Nel that gave me hope. They lifted a weight from my heart that I think I've carried for a long time.

I lowered myself into the chair across from her and closed my eyes. In this moment of silence we finally deserved a little bit of quiet, a little bit of piece.


	5. Anything for You

Sam

"Dean...Dean!" Ava was crying out in her sleep again.

I got out of bed, and rushed to the living room. I hoped I'd wake her in time so she wouldn't wake up the baby.

"Hey, Ave." I said, crouching next to the couch. I gently shook her shoulders. "Hey, wake up. It's okay."

Nel was a month old, and we had finally settled into a routine at the house. I picked up work at a body shop, glad that Dean had taught me what he had about cars. Joey, the shop owner, saw the Impala and hired me on the spot. Ava was staying home with Nel, but eventually we hoped she could go to work in the Sherifs office in town.

"Sam?" She croaked as she opened her eyes. I wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Yeah, hey."

"Hi." She sat up slowly, holding her head.

This happened every night. She would cry out his name in her sleep. Sometimes I could get her back to sleep, sometimes I couldn't. We recently purchased Netflix, and we'd been making our way through an impressive number of shows. She would wake up screaming, and we would play Friends and drink coffee. There wasn't a lot of sleeping with a newborn anyway, so we took what we could get.

This time was different. She was shaking everywhere, like she was cold and couldn't warm up. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

She shook her head. "I don't remember it."

She was lying to me. I knew that face at this point, but I didn't want to push. "Okay." I said quietly. I examined her eyes, searching for some kind of clue to what she needed.

"You can go back to sleep, I'm really o..okay."

I frowned and shook my head. "Only if you come with me." She looked startled, and I laughed quietly. "Not like that, Ave."

"Oh."

"I meant just... maybe we could both use the company."

She considered this for a moment before shrugging. "Okay, sure."

She swung her legs over the side of the couch, wrapping her blanket around her, and we made our way to my room. I laid on top of the covers and she laid next to me. We both faced each other. We laid in silence for what seemed like an endless amount of time in the darkness. Just when I thought she was asleep, she whispered into the darkness. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I will ever be okay again."

"You will be."

"How?"

"Time, Ave."

"But you've seen your Dad. It's been over twenty years, Sam, and he's still a mess." She whispered, her voice afraid.

"You are so much stronger than John Winchester." I laughed humorlessly.

"I don't know if I am." She admitted.

"You're wrong." I said, reaching out to touch her arm. I needed to feel that she was there. That she was listening to me. "Dean believed in you. He always told me you were the strongest person he'd ever met. I agree with him. You can get through this. We can."

Her hand covered mine, and I heard her suck in her breath. "When he would say that stuff to me I couldn't not believe him. He would look at me so intensely. He would get so serious that... well I knew he wasn't lying. He really believed it. He believed in me. I don't know what I did to deserve it."

I laughed again and shook my head. I was beginning to make out her shape in the darkness. I scooted a little closer so I could see her a little better. "You're a Winchester now, which basically means you won't believe it when people say you're amazing or special. Dean never did. I sure don't, but you. We always knew you were better than us. That we didn't deserve you. You're good, Ava. You have this way about you that makes people want to try harder. You made us want to be better."

"I don't think you two could be any better than you already are."

"I hope you're wrong about that."

"You're right. It must be a Winchester curse. Can't take a compliment."

"Welcome to the family." I laughed.

Ava leaned forward, grabbing my face in her hands. My heart sped up. It thumped in my chest. I wanted to ask her what she was doing, but I couldn't bring words to my mouth.

I could feel her breath on my face as she turned my head and placed a gentle kiss to my cheek. "Thank you." She breathed. "I'm feeling a lot better."

She moved her hands. Heat traveled up my face, the print she left on my cheek tingling. She rolled onto her back and let out a deep sigh. I reached my fingers up to my cheek to touch where she kissed.

Ava

" _Why are we always in bed?" I asked Dean, as I stared at him. We were laying on our sides facing each other._

" _Sex is your favorite memory of me."_

" _Oh, please." I rolled my eyes._

_I was dreaming, I knew I was. He wasn't real, not any more. I reached forward and touched his cheek. The mind was a powerful thing. He felt real to me. I could feel the prickles from the hair growing in on his face. "You need to shave."_

" _You like it."_

" _I do. It goes with your whole, grungy 90's look."_

_He raised his eyebrows, looking offended. "I do not have a 90's look."_

_I laughed and shook my head. "Oh please. The flannel, the boots, the rocker t-shirts? Classic grunge."_

" _Would you rather me wear a polo?"_

" _I do like the suit." I teased him, letting my fingers slide under his shirt._

_I worried eventually I wouldn't be able to conjure him in my mind like I could now. I worried I wouldn't be able to trace his stomach and his chest in my mind. Each scar raised on his skin. Would they disappear inside of my mind?_

" _I hate it"_

" _I know." I said pulling him closer to me. "I like the flannel."_

" _I can tell." He said, pulling at the one I was wearing._

" _Sam gave it to me."_

" _You still haven't gone into our room?"_

_I shook my head. "I can't, Dean. I'm too scared. I won't be able to keep it together."_

" _Take your time, love."_

_I sighed._

_Love. He wouldn't call me love._

" _I wish you were real."_

" _I am real." He put his hand on my heart. "I'm real in you."_

" _That sounds sexual."_

" _It isn't sexual." He said before lowering his lips to my ear. "But it could be... if you wanted."_

_My heart raced. I did, but it wasn't real. It would never be real again. "I'm sorry." I whispered, pressing my forehead to his like I had a million times before._

" _Don't be sorry, sweetheart." There we go. "Maybe it'll just make it worse."_

" _Maybe."_

" _Try to go into the room today?"_

" _I'll try." I breathed._

" _Don't forget what I told you."_

" _What did you tell me?"_

I jumped slightly, my eyes slowly fluttering open. I woke up too quickly, and I grabbed at the dream. He was there, in my mind, and I felt like I was losing him all over again. I rolled over, just to catch Sam an inch from my face.

I'd slept every night with him for the last week. I noticed I slept better when I wasn't sleeping alone. I only woke up screaming every other night. It was progress. Sam looked tired. He looked young. I smiled at the innocence he held when his expression was relaxed. I knew he spent a lot of time worrying about me. Maybe it was our friendship, or his promise to Dean. I didn't have a way to tell. But in reality, it didn't matter. We were all we had, so it had to be enough.

I slowly slid out of bed and snuck out of the room. I crept into the kitchen and dug the pancake mix out of the cabinet. Just add water. I wasn't much of a cook, but the boys always loved it. Considering they spent most of their lives without a kitchen, they were easily impressed.

I whisked the mix and poured some into a skillet. I hadn't been myself. I still wasn’t, but something had changed. I wasn't as much of an empty shell. I was trying.

Flip.

A soft cry came from the back room and I smiled. Sweet girl. I walked to the back room to grab her while the pancake settled on the pan. "Good morning." I said leaning over her crib.

She looked up at me with big blue-green eyes. Her bottom lip trembled. "Aw little one." I said, picking her up. "You're wet." I commented, feeling her diaper. I walked her to the changing table and laid her down. Six little snaps held her pajamas in place. I slid her legs and arms out and tickled her belly.

This seemed to make her more upset. She cried a little harder. Poor thing was tired, wet, and hungry. "Aww come on, Nellie. Smile for Mommy."

I peeled her diaper off of her, and wiped along every crevice with the baby wipe. Powder for her pink tush. Snap the diaper back in place.

"What do you want to wear?"

Her eyes were red as she sniffled. I pulled out a pair of black stretchy pants and a green sweater and slid them on her little limbs. Fuzzy socks to match. Her eyes looked even greener with the sweater on. She looked like her dad.

"Hey." Sam said rubbing his eyes. He leaned against the door frame.

"I tried to let you sleep." I sighed picking Nel back up. "I'm sorry."

"It's Fine." He yawned. "I usually wake up early I guess I just needed a little extra sleep."

"I wanted to make you breakfast... shit!" I said, running back into the kitchen. I tried to hold Nel in one arm and move the burning pancake away from the stove. It was smoking but not enough to set off any alarms.

"Ow, fuck!" I shouted, causing Nel to cry. My hand stung from the burn. The handle of the skillet was too close to the fire from the stove. Grabbing it singed my flesh.

"Hey, I've got you." Sam said, taking Eleanor from my hands. He put a pacifier in her mouth, and laid her in the swing. He came back to me and took out burn cream from the cabinet. He lead me to the counter. "Let me see." He said, looking at my palm.

I winced as my hand flattened, palm up.

"It doesn't look too deep." I applied the burn cream, making my fingers twitch from the sting. "You have to be careful, Ava."

"I know." I sighed.

"What were you doing?"

"I was trying to surprise you with breakfast." I met his eyes. "That's the least I can do for all that you've done for me. For us."

Sam wrapped a bandage around my wound and took my hand in his. "You don't owe me anything, Ava."

"I owe you my life. If you weren't here I don't know where I would've ended up." I admitted.

I turned to see Eleanor content, staring at the mobile above her swing. "I mean look at her. You hold her for a second and calm her down. She loves you."

He stroked the skin on my wrist, right above my burn. "I love her too. She is my family, you both are."

Family. The ultimate compliment from a Winchester brother. Dean had said it countless times to me. "We are one weird little family." I met his eyes with a smile.

He smiled back and squeezed my wrist gently. "Yeah." He agreed.

"I'm sorry I burned breakfast."

"I forgive you."

Nel plopped the pacifier out of her mouth and let out a whimper. "Sounds like we are all hungry." I let out a dry laugh.

"Feed her." Sam said, letting go of my wrist. "I'll make the pancakes."

"Okay." I said, still feeling tingles where his hand left my wrist. I picked up my daughter and settled into the rocking chair. I slowly let my breast out and guided her lips to my nipple. They were swollen and sore. She began to suckle and I exhaled in relief. It was still a weird, alien experience, but also beautiful. I loved the connection it gave me to her. It was indescribable.

" _You know," I gasped. "You won't be able to do this forever."_

_Dean held my breast in his hand, he looked up at me, releasing my nipple from his lips. "Who says?"_

" _Eventually I'll have milk in them." I said, breathlessly. They were already really sensitive, so his lips leaving kisses were making my head spin. "Do you want to have breastmilk in your mouth?”_

_He raised an eyebrow. "Not exactly, but I don't know if I can stop now that I've started." He left another kiss next to my nipple._

_I smiled widely. "Well I guess we will see."_

_There was something unspoken between us. He didn't think he would have to worry about that. He wouldn't be here. I hoped otherwise._

" _You have the most perfect breasts." He lifted it a bit in his hand, feeling the weight. "Every time I think they can't get any better, they do."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Well I'm glad you're enjoying my pregnancy body."_

" _I am." He said closing his eyes. He ran his tongue along my nipple causing chills to run along my skin. "I love it."_

I glanced up from Eleanor to Sam flipping pancakes in the kitchen, he glanced at me, catching me looking at him. He quickly averted his eyes. He was getting more comfortable with me feeding her around him. We were getting more comfortable around each other. He was my friend. He was my family. He was the brother of my husband. But yet, in everything he gave me peace. His smile was becoming calming, and I couldn't help but relax under his touch. He wasn't Dean, but he held a piece of Dean within him. He was raised by him, after all.

"Hope you're hungry." Sam said sweetly.

I moved Nel to my other breast, to keep their fullness even. She looked tired, and I knew at any moment she would be passed out in a milk coma. I recognized the face as Deans when he had too many beers. Half open green eyes, slack jaw. I smiled and ran my fingers along her puffy cheeks.

"I am, but I think little Nel has a bit to go."

"Here." Sam said, walking to me. He held a plate in his hand. He cut a piece of pancake, dipped it in syrup, and offered the bite to me.

I smiled and opened my mouth, welcoming the sweet taste. Our eyes locked. "Thank you, Sam."

"Anything for you, Ave."


	6. When Time Stood Still

Ava

"Well, Mom, she is looking great. Her weight is better than expected. Her motor function is excellent." The pediatrician, Dr Randall leaned over my daughter. "And she has an excellent personality." He said as Nel met him with a smile.

"She's been eating a lot." I said with a smile.

"Is she sleeping through the night?"

"Yes." I'm not.

"Good girl. Well, as I'm sure you know, the two month appointment requires shots."

Sam put a protective arm around me. I didn't know if I could watch. "I know."

"Do you want to step out?" Sam whispered to me. "I'll stay with her."

"I don't know."

"Everything will be fine." The doctor assured me, as his nurse prepared the injections. "Okay, Mom, are you ready?" He asked.

I moved out from under Sams arm and went to Nel. I stood by her side, and rested my hand on her small belly. "As ready as I'll ever be." I said breathlessly.

Ten tiny fingers. Ten tiny toes. Little pudgy arms and legs kicking like crazy. Bright, trusting eyes. Dirty blonde hairs floating around her head from static. Her fathers pout.

I thought I was prepared for the wail she would let out when the sting of the injection traveled through her leg. I was wrong. She had three shots in total, and each one made her scream harder. "I know, sweetie I'm sorry."

Tears burned my eyes.

The demons blade against my thighs. Ropes around my wrists and ankles. My own screams echoing in my ears. My daughters cries. Deans skin being ripped by an invisible claw. Tears rolling down his face. Blood coming out of his mouth. The screams that I could never unhear. The pain of a strong man.

The things I could never save. I felt useless. Pain racked me. The pain I'd held in for months. My hand moved from her stomach, and I stumbled backwards. Sam caught me before I hit the floor. "Hey I've got you."

What kind of mother can't even be strong for her baby when she is in pain? What kind of mother am I? If I'm not a good one, then why am I here instead of him? Why?

Eleanor quieted down on the ride. The nurse gave her some sugar water on her pacifier. Sam drove, and I stared out the window. I replayed the moments that haunt me over and over again.

"I'll get her." Sam said as he pulled up to the house.

I stumbled out of the car and pushed through the front door. I needed an escape. I needed something more than what I had. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to see his face, but not like this. Not covered in blood and pain. I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

There was no air. I turned on the water to the shower. I fought out of my way to the clothes I was wearing and fell into the shower. I collapsed onto the floor of the shower. I pulled my knees to my chest and sobbed.

My body wasn't my own. I was stretched out, and soft. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold everything together. I was collapsing.

I never told him that I knew I loved him that day in the motel.

_"Can you take these stitches out? Please?"_

_"Do they hurt? Are you hurt?" Deans face was wilting with concern._

_"I just... I need them out." Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them._

_"I'll do it."_

He was a strong man. He had callouses on his fingers and frequently had dirt on his cheek, but the gentleness I saw in him that night was something else all together. It wasn't about sex or lust. We had plenty of that. It was about security. Safety. He made me feel safe, and in that moment that was exactly what I needed. He was able to give me something I didn't have before him. He gave me peace. He melted away the pain from the assault, and the one I'd had years before. There was nothing but light when I was with him.

So it was no surprise that I was stuck in the darkness now. I couldn't claw my way out. Not now that I'd fallen.

_"This shouldn't hurt." He rubbed my thigh gently. "But please tell me if it does."_

It does hurt, Dean. It hurts so much. Where are you?

"Ava?" Sam called through the bathroom door. "Are you okay?"

The past is doomed to repeat itself.

"No, Sam. I'm not." I choked out.

I heard the door open, and saw him reach into the shower to turn it off. He handed me a towel through the curtain. "I know it was hard to see her in pain, but she is okay."

I took the towel and wrapped it around myself. Another layer to hold my fragile body together. "It wasn't that." I mumbled into my hands. "It's everything. I'm not myself. I don't look like myself. I don't feel like myself."

"Pain does that." Sam said quietly.

I rested my head against the tile behind me. I was cold from the water, my hair dripping. "Sometimes I wish I'd never met him, because then I wouldn't have known what it felt like to be without him. I can't miss what I never knew."

"You don't mean that."

I blinked away tears. "Sometimes I do."

He pulled back the curtain to take a look at me. "Don't say that."

His palm touched my cheek, and I closed my eyes. "Sam I can't do this."

"Listen to me, Ava Marie Winchester." His face was close to mine. "I will not let you quit. I won't let you give up on yourself, and I won't let you give up on your little girl. This has been hard for me too, but we have to keep trying. We have to wake up, live, and then do it again until it's easier. One day at a time."

I opened my eyes to find Sams bearing into my soul. They were like Deans, but lighter, gentler. I wondered if Mary's were that green. I wondered if with age my own daughters would be.

"When does it get easier?"

"I don't know, Ave, but it has to eventually. Time heals all wounds."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I have to."

I searched his face for lies, but all I found was hope in his innocent expression. "One day at a time." I agreed desperately.

"Good." He helped pull me up, so I could sit on the edge of the tub.

"Sam... am I a terrible mother?"

"No." He said, taking my hands in his. "You're a great mother. She adores you and you love her. You're just hurting. That doesn't mean you aren't a good mother."

I let out a sob, tears falling down my cheeks.

"Hey." He said, pulling me into a hug. "Don't cry."

They could never handle when I cried, and they say men are the stronger sex.

"I feel like a ghost." I admitted. "I don't recognize my body. I feel ugly, and I feel so empty."

"Ava." Sam said with a quiet laugh. He took my face in his hands. "You are beautiful. Just as you've always been."

We were close, our faces inches apart.

"Don't ever think less of yourself." His breath was on my lips.

It was in slow motion, but somehow it felt so fast that I couldn't move. I couldn't stop it. Maybe I didn't want to, not at first. Not until it has already happened.

He leaned forward, his nose brushing mine, before his soft lips pressed to mine in a kiss.

It was quick, but full of need. I don't think I realized until then that Sam was holding himself together too. We were broken, but for a second I wasn't. For a second I was just a girl, being kissed by someone who I shouldn't be.

"Sam." I whispered pulling away. "I'm sorry I can't."

When he pulled back I saw the wetness around his eyes. "No, I'm sorry. I know. I... I shouldn't have." He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Sam it's.." I stood, holding the towel to my chest.

"Sorry." He mumbled pushing out through the door.

Sam

I went out into the yard. Into the snow. I wanted to scream, to break something. I turned to the closest tree and slammed my fist into it.

I kissed Ava.

Dean would kick my ass if he were here. I'd have to let him.

I didn't know what I was thinking.

I hit the tree again, the skin on my knuckles breaking. I lowered myself to a seated position, leaning against the tree.

_"She's like no other girl I've ever met."_

_"What? You've got a thing for her?" Dean asked._

_"Don't you?" I laughed. "I saw that kiss, Dean. That seemed for real."_

_"We were just acting."_

_"Keep telling yourself that."_

_"No matter what it was to me, she told me herself that it was nothing. It's not my place to hope that it's something it's not." He took a swig from his bottle. "Where do I get off thinking someone like her would consider me anyway?"_

_"Why wouldn't she?"_

_"Me? With my GED and give em hell attitude? I'm not really someone a girl like her wants to bring home to Dad."_

It wasn't true. I never had a thing for Ava. She was always Deans girl. There was no question in my mind for that.

She still was. She missed him. I missed him too, and maybe we were just finding comfort in each other.

No matter what, though, there was no excuse, I couldn't kiss her again. I couldn't give in. She wasn't mine to kiss. She wasn't mine to love or to comfort.

I spent my whole life wanting to be just like my brother. I copied him. Followed him everywhere. All I wanted was to be just like Dean. Maybe this was another desperate cry to fall into his life. To be just like him.

I stood up and dusted the snow off of myself. I needed to talk to my brother.

I got into the Impala and drove to his grave site. It wasn't far from the house, we picked it that way on purpose. We wanted him close to home.

I got out of the car and walked to the grave marker. "Hey. Sorry I haven't visited." I said awkwardly. "I guess I actually have a lot to apologize for."

Ava

I stood in the bathroom alone. Still feeling his lips on mine. _Sam Winchester_. I shook my head. _Fuck._

Without thinking, I exited the bathroom and walked back to my room. It wasn't until I stood inside the door way that I realized I hadn't been in the room since the morning of Deans death.

" _I'm not ready to say goodbye. I can help." I told him._

_"You will not die for me. Do you hear me? You can come, but the moment it gets hairy you get out of there. You have to keep Peanut safe, because I can't."_

" _Kiss me."_

The bed was unmade, just as we left it. I closed the door behind me, and went to the closet. I opened the doors and Deans scent escaped from the doors. I closed my eyes and smiled. It hurt. I put my hand over my heart just to hear it beating hard. I am alive.

I pulled out his favorite flannel and held it against me. I pressed my nose to the fabric. Whiskey and bacon. I smiled and dropped my towel. I slid into the flannel and buttoned it closed around me. It felt warm on my skin. It felt safe. He was holding me again.

I went to the drawers and pulled out a pair of his underwear. Deep green. I slid them on. His wedding ring still hung from my neck.

I laid back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. The sheets were cool. If I didn't know any better I would think it had been only this morning since we left the bed. I rolled onto my stomach and took the pillow in my arms.

I stopped when I felt the brush of paper under the pillow case. "What?"

I took out the paper and rolled over, unfolding it. I held it up above me. The sight of his handwriting took my breath away. I ran my fingers over the letters.

_Let yourself be happy._

_D_


	7. Incomplete

Ava

It had been two months and three weeks since Dean had died. It had been one week since Sam walked out.

I walked the steps to Bobby's front door. I held my jacket in my arms. It was the first week of March and the sun was finally out after weeks of snow. Everything was melting. Everything was being reborn.

I knocked on the door, and to no surprise, Sam answered. "Ava." He said, his eyes wide.

"Samuel."

"Where's Nel?"

"Your Dad is watching her. I thought we should talk. Do you have a second?"

"Uh, sure." He said, scratching his head. He had scruff on his chin, he was wearing a T-shirt, and sweats. He opened the door wider so I could come in. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"I'm fine." I said stepping into the house.

He went into the kitchen and poured himself a coffee, obviously avoiding my gaze.

"Sam, you broke your promise to me. You left."

Way to come right out with it, Ava. No beating around the bush.

"I... I know." He peeked at me through his hair. "I figured you wouldn't want me around."

"Oh, so you're a mind reader now?"

"No." He cleared his throat.

"I never said you had to leave."

"But I kissed you." His voice was quiet, like a child's.

"I know. I was there."

"So you know why I left."

"You were afraid."

"What? No... I betrayed your trust."

"You did. You betrayed my trust by walking out when you said you'd always be with me."

He sat down the coffee and crossed his arms.

"What?"

"I just didn't expect this to be the conversation." He admitted.

"What did you think I'd say?"

"Well I thought you'd slap me. Tell me that I'm immoral, and I shouldn't have done it. To start."

"Oh trust me. I want to slap you. You Winchester's are so fucking frustrating I could scream. But not because of the kiss." I uncrossed my arms and stepped toward him. "We don't run away. That's not what we do."

"I also shouldn't be kissing my brothers wife, but I guess I'm full of mistakes right now."

"Why did you kiss me, Sam?" I asked him, stepping a little closer.

"I don't know." He shook his head.

"Are you going to do it again?"

"No."

"Then come home. Nel misses you."

He smiled a little. "Did she tell you that?"

"Mhm. She even looks a little disappointed when it's me picking her up."

"I don't believe that, but I appreciate what you're trying to do."

I shrugged and picked up his coffee cup, taking a sip. "Family doesn't run out on family, Sam. I told you I wouldn't let you. I let you go lick your wounds and now it's time to come home."

"I can't believe you want me home."

I cautiously took his hand in mine. "We need each other. I knew I needed you that first day in the hospital when you got me the plan B and told me I could come on the road with you two. If you had said no then I would've never fallen in love with Dean. I wouldn't have my daughter. You're my best friend, Sam. I love you, and I'm not ready to lose anyone else that I love."

Sam sucked in his breath and pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry." He breathed.

"It's okay." I said, hugging him back. He was easily a foot taller than me and my head rested perfectly on his chest. I could hear his heart pound. It was surely broken. "I know you miss him too, Sam."

"I do." He held me tighter and let go of his inhibitions. His tears flooded into my hair and his body racked with sobs. I held him as tightly as I could and let him get it out.

We stood like that for minutes as he let out all of his grief. He hurt just like I did.

I understood him better, then. Maybe he was looking for comfort just like I was. He wanted to be strong, just like I did. Maybe it's impossible. Maybe this is all we get.

"Hey." I whispered moving his head off of mine. I held his face in my hands and wiped his tears. "Don't think you have to drown in this Sam. You've supported me since Deans death. We can carry each other's load."

"You shouldn't have to."

"What do you think family is?"

"You sound just like him." He said with a weak smile.

"Sometimes I see him in your eyes." I met his eyes and sighed. "We can help him live on within us."

"That's a nice sentiment."

"Do you want to go somewhere?" I asked him quietly. "Your Dad has Nel all day."

"Okay."

————————

We walked along the river to the dam where I found Dean after our wendigo hunt. After Sam was in the hospital. Back when things were simple. We passed a flask back and forth between the two of us. After being pregnant and breast feeding, my tolerance was a joke. We were halfway through the flask when I was sufficiently buzzed.

"What did you two talk about that day?"

_"Can I have a sip?"_

_He nodded and handed me the beer. "How'd you find me?"_

_"Sam."_

_"Little rat." Dean said shaking his head._

_"What's going on?" I reached for his hand._

_"I just have a bad feeling." He admitted. "It's in my gut."_

_"What's it saying?"_

_"I just think something bad is going to happen. I just keep seeing you and Sam hurt. I can't lose either of you."_

_"You're not going to lose us, Dean."_

_"You don't know that. This job is dangerous."_

_"But it's worth the risk. We are all good at it. We will always be there for each other. You know why? Because we are family. Just like you always say. Family doesn't give up on family."_

I smiled at the memory and suckled my flask. "He was afraid something would happen to us. To me and you."

"Why?"

"Gut feeling."

Sam laughed. "He always was talking about his gut feelings."

"Well he wasn't wrong about this one. It wasn't too much longer that I died." I wiped a stray tear and downed more of the flask. The world was fuzzy around the edges.

"I've never been more scared in my life than when I saw you laying there covered in blood."

"Worse than with Dean?"

"We knew Dean was going to die. There was a small hope we could save him, but the look in his eyes when he held you was the most terrifying moment of my life."

"Why?" I handed him the flask.

"I didn't think Dean would survive your death." Sam took a swig. "I didn't think I would survive it either."

I stumbled a bit on a rock and he caught me, his arm around my waist. "Hey, steady."

I giggled and leaned my head against his shoulder. "Maybe I should sit down."

"Maybe." He agreed, lowering us to the ground.

I leaned on his shoulder and stared at the water. "It peaceful."

"It is." He agreed. "Ava are you drunk?"

"What are you, my mom?" I asked moving my head off his shoulder.

"No. I'm just wondering."

I laughed again to myself. I couldn't keep the bubbles in my stomach at bay. I couldn't conceal my giggles.

"Are you drunk, Samantha?"

He wrinkled his nose and laughed. "Buzzed."

"Good." I said with a wide smile. "We deserve some fun, don't you think?"

"Yeah." He agreed with a smile. "We do. You always brought that out of us."

"What? You didn't have fun before me?"

Sam laughed. "No way. Other than strippers and late night tv we didn't have much fun. We never laughed like we did with you."

"I never had fun before either." I told him. I laid back on the hard ground and stared at the sky. The clouds traveling by the wind. The sun was warm on my face despite the chill in the air.

He laid on his back next to me and stared at the sky, his arm behind his head. "Ava?"

"Mhm."

"I'm sorry I kissed you."

I rolled onto my side and looked at him. "You shouldn't be sorry." I closed my eyes humming quietly to myself.

"Of course I should. You're not mine to kiss."

I laughed and propped myself up by my elbows. I looked down at him. "What is it with you boys. Sweetheart. Mine. I don't belong to anyone Sam. Only to myself."

His eyes searched my face. "I'm still sorry."

"Why did you kiss me Sam?"

"You already asked me that."

"I didn't like your answer." I said raising an eyebrow.

He propped himself up to meet my face. "It's wrong."

"Maybe."

I searched his face. Maybe it was the whiskey in the flask, or maybe it was the numbness that was growing inside of me. I didn't want to lose the happiness I had for that moment. I didn't want to fall into the hole again.

"Maybe?"

"I don't think we can know. Not really." I rested my palm against his cheek.

"Ava what are you doing?"

"Shh, I'm thinking."

_I kicked off my shoes and ran toward the beach. It was the first time I'd be on the shore in awhile. Living in Seattle didn't provide for a lot of beach days._

_The sand felt good in my toes, and I ran with my hands up to the sky. I spun around, watching the birds dance in the sky. It was beautiful. I couldn't help but laugh. Life was so stunning. It was only a few days before that that I was in so much pain, but when I breathed the sea air it felt like I was breathing for the first time._

" _Ava!" Sam ran to me, scooping me up into my arms._

" _Sam! Oh my god!" I laughed._

_He spun me around. His hair whipping in the wind. It felt good to laugh._

" _I'm so glad you're feeling better." He said with a wide smile._

" _Me too."_

_He sat me down in the sand, my toes connecting with the cool powder._

" _It looks amazing." He commented, staring out at the ocean._

" _Have you seen it before?"_

" _No."_

" _You travel all over the United States and you've never seen the ocean? Sam that's pitiful!" I pushed him._

" _Hey!" He laughed, tussling my hair._

" _Samuel! Don't touch my hair, the humidity has it looking bad enough."_

" _It doesn't look bad." He said quietly. "You look beautiful."_

Sam seemed uncomplicated. He never lied about how he felt or what he was thinking. He never pushed away my friendship. He was alive.

Before I could talk myself out of it I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. His mouth opened in surprise, sucking in his breath. Sucking in my breath. His arm snaked around me. I rested my hand on his chest. He kissed me back gently. It was unlike any kiss I ever had.

Being with Sam may have been wrong. It probably was, but fuck, it felt so good to not be in pain. Even for just a minute. It felt so good to not be in numb.

Sam

She brushed her hair in the bathroom. Staring at her reflection in the mirror. "Morning." I said walking up behind her.

It had been a week since that day by the dam. We had been straddling a line together. We hadn't done more than kiss. I even felt guilty about that, but when I felt her with me I was at peace. She was healing my heart.

I pressed a kiss against the crown of her head and she looked at me in the mirror.

"Can you do something for me?"

"Anything." I said simply.

She ran her fingers through her curls. "Cut my hair."

I raised an eyebrow. "You want me to cut your hair? Why?"

"I don't feel like myself." She pulled on her curls. "I want my reflection to match what I look like in my mind."

I smiled at her. I loved her long hair. It smelled like her rose shampoo. I loved the way it blew around her face. The curls danced down her neck.

"I'll do it." I told her. I'd do anything she asked me to.

I got into the drawer and got her shears. "I can't promise that I'll be good at it."

She turned to me and smiled up at me, her eyes lightening up. "Why not take the leap?"

"Turn back around." I instructed her with a smile. I gathered her hair in my hands. "How short do you want it?"

"Surprise me." She said. There was excitement in the way her voice seemed to hop and dance.

My heart pounded in my chest as I took the scissors to her hair. It took some time, curls falling to the floor like the first day of autumn.

Her curls fell above her shoulders, resting there. She looked different, but the same. It appeared that a weight had lifted from the hair that left her scalp. She touched her reflection in the mirror. "Thank you." She breathed a sigh of relief.

"You look gorgeous." I told her, tangling my fingers in her curls.

Her eyes met mine, and for the first time in awhile her expression resembled happiness. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes looked alive. I couldn't help it. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. How could I not kiss her? I didn't know if I would ever be able to stop.


	8. Just for Tonight

Sam

" _Dean, do you ever think about the future?"_

_My big brother sat next to me, tossing out his fishing line into the dam. We had been staying with Bobby for over a week with no word from Dad. I could tell Dean was getting anxious. He was fourteen and I was ten._

" _What do you mean, Sammy?"_

" _What we will be like when we are older."_

" _Well, I think we will be like this." He shrugged._

" _Fishing?"_

" _Maybe. I think it'll be just the two of us. Hunting monsters like we do now." He focuses as he tossed the line out again, trying to find the perfect spot._

_I held my own rod, never quite knowing what to do. "You want to still be hunting?"_

" _Of course." He said flippantly. "Don't you?" He took the pole from me. "It's like this, press the button and throw let go when you've found your spot."_

_He cranked the line back in and handed it to me. I followed his instructions and tossed out the line._

" _I don't know if I want to keep hunting." I admitted. "I kind of do."_

" _Good throw!" He smiled. He turned to me, and read my expression. "What's on your mind, Sammy?"_

" _I don't know. I just saw this family at the store with Bobby and they seemed really happy."_

_I remembered the father scooping up his running son. He leaned over and kissed his wife. They were all laughing. It felt like a commercial for toothpaste. They seemed to glow in my memory. It was all very surreal._

" _We are happy, Sammy." His focus was forward. We never talked about Mom or what we lost. Dad was cold and scary. We were happy here in this moment, but not always._

" _I know, but what about a real family? Do you ever think about the family you'll have one day? Do you ever want to get married?"_

" _Me?" He laughed and shook his head. "No way. It's just me and you, Sammy. Forever." He leaned in to me, smirking. "Now what is this really about? Do you like a girl?"_

" _It's about Ava."_

I sat up straight in bed, breathing hard. The dream still felt real. I could smell the river and feel the sun on my cheeks. It was a memory that was blending into reality. My conscious was guilty. I swallowed hard. My mouth was dry.

"Sam are you okay?" Ava asked me in the darkness.

She still slept next to me every night. We needed the comfort to keep the nightmares away. "I'm fine. Just a dream."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

 _Yes._ "No. I can't even really remember it. It slipped away when I woke up."

She sat up with me and pressed her hand to my chest. "Your heart is pounding. Are you sure you're okay?"

I felt my heart rate pick up when she touched me. "I'm fine." I promised her, putting my hand over hers.

"Okay." She eyed me in the darkness. "Well if you remember anything you can tell me about it. You don't have to carry the load alone, Winchester."

"Back atcha, Winchester."

Nel must have felt the disturbance in the house, because a small cry came from the nursery.

Ava started to get out of bed, but I stopped her, my hand on her shoulder. "I'll get her. You've got some bottles in the fridge, right?"

"I do, but you don't have to.."

"I'm already wound up. It'll take me some time to fall back to sleep, so I may as well be useful." I pressed a kiss to her temple. "Go back to sleep."

"Okay." She said cautiously. "But I'm here if you need me."

"I know."

I shut the door behind me and walked into the nursery. I clicked on the side lamp. "Hey, Nel. You can't sleep either." She kicked and giggled at the sight of me. We were lucky. She was always such a happy baby.

I picked her up. We walked into the kitchen together and I brought out the bottle of breast milk. It was still a foreign concept. The idea that she could produce food for Nel was wild to me. I ran it under hot water like she taught me, and tested it on my wrist. Body temperature. Nel squirmed in my arms, growing impatient. "Shh, here ya go." I led the nipple into her mouth. She sighed and started sucking away.

"That's what you needed." I smiled and walked back into her room. I lowered myself on to the rocking chair. She was so beautiful. Her blue green eyes rolled around, looking for me. "Hi Peanut." I leaned down and kissed her head. I'd always wanted kids. She wasn't mine, but in my soul it felt like she was. I would never forget the way it felt when she was born. They say that men become fathers when they see their child. Nothing else mattered to me when I saw her. I knew I would protect her and love her in whatever way I was allowed.

I moved the bottle out of her lips so she could burp. I pulled her up on my shoulder and bounced a bit, tapping her back. She opened her mouth and gave me a tiny _blep._

"Good girl!" I grinned. I never thought I'd be so excited about a burp, but here I was. Nel smiled back at me and stuck her tongue out. She grabbed for my finger and squeezed it. I was always amazed by how strong she could be.

"What do you think, Nellie? What should I do?"

She blinked up at me, like she needed more of an explanation.

I paused for a second and let out a sigh. "Is the way I'm feeling wrong? Should I be playing a different part in all of this?" I was looking for validation from a two month old baby. I rocked her more and she gave a big yawn. "Your Mommy is a special lady, ya know? She's the kind of woman where you can't help looking at her. She's just way too pretty. Her laugh lights up a room. It's ridiculous, and it makes you laugh too."

I watched her eyes get heavier she pulled my finger that she had been holding into her mouth and sucked on it gently.

"I can talk to her about everything, ya know? She's my best friend. I don't want to mess that up. I don't want to mess everything up." My voice shook. I needed my brother, but if he was here I couldn't want it. Not even for a second.

"She picked Dean. She should've picked him. That never bothered me, because I wanted my brother to be happy...but he's gone. He's gone and being with her makes me happy. You and your mom are the light in the darkness." I admitted to the sleeping child. "I love you both. I always have."

"Sam." Ava said, leaning against the door frame.

"How much did you hear?" I asked, rocking Nel. I looked away from her and back to the sleeping baby.

"Enough." She pushed her shoulder length hair behind her ear.

I stood up, laying Nel down in her crib. "I shouldn't..."

She walked to me, and grabbed my shoulder turning me to look at her. "Sam..." She breathed. She reached up and captured my lips in hers. Her kiss was urgent and needy. I pulled her closer to me.

She heard everything and she still kissed me. She pulled on the collar of my shirt, yanking it up. She was trying to take it off. I pulled back and looked at her. Her blue eyes met mine and my stomach flipped. I reached back and pulled off my T-shirt. Her eyes fell to my bare chest. She slowly reached up and ran her fingers over the skin, causing my hair to raise on the back of my neck. She pulled her hand away, and I half expected a slap. I expected her to walk away. To cry. To yell.

She didn't.

She grabbed the hem of her shirt and twisted her arms, pulling it over her head.

I thought I was going to pass out. She looked so sexy. Her full breasts hung naked below her neck. Her soft stomach was already tightening up. She was a woman and she looked like one. I took a step, closing the space between us. I picked her up, urging her legs to wrap around my waist. Her breasts pressed against me and I held her tighter. Now that I had her I didn't plan on letting her go.

Ava

"Ava." Sam whispered against my mouth.

His words had me dizzy. Skin on skin. I couldn't deny he was sexy rocking my daughter to sleep.

The way he looked at me when I took off my top sent me over the edge. His jaw hung open, his eyes wide. I'd seen the look before. He liked the way I looked, and I've felt so terrible about myself that seeing him want me was too much.

I ran my fingers through his shaggy hair, and he walked me out of the nursery, pulling the door shut behind us.

I pulled his bottom lip into my mouth and sucked gently. Sam groaned under my kiss. He held me up with one hand to hold my face in the other. I tried not to think about anything. To be in the moment. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be alive.

He turned my head so he could kiss down my neck. His mouth was urgent and warm, but precise with every kiss. He pushed into his room and slowly laid me down on my back. He stared at me, and I looked back up at him. He was breathing hard. His sculpted stomach and chest tinted with a bit of sweat. My heart raced as he looked at me.

"Are you sure you want this?" He asked quietly.

He was so fucking cute.

I grabbed my pajama shorts in my fingers and yanked them down, leaving myself exposed.

I got on my knees and moved to him. He looked shocked, his eyes trailing my body. He lowered himself onto the bed pulling me to him. Our lips connected again. We were begging for togetherness. For something to take the pain and loneliness away. We were begging for more.

————————-

I slept with Sam Winchester. My head was on his chest and he was running his fingers down my spine.

I fucked my husbands brother. It was all very Real Housewives.

I looked up at him. His hair was sweaty, and he looked tired. More than anything, he looked peaceful.

I couldn't decide if we were keeping each other afloat or if our constant clawing at each other was what was drowning us. We wouldn't know until one of us stopped breathing.

"What're you thinking about?" I asked him, running my finger along the crease in between his eyebrows.

"Fishing." He smiled at me, catching my fingers. He pressed his lips to the tips.

"Fishing?" I asked him with a small laugh. "Why?"

"I did a lot of thinking when I was Fishing as a kid."

"What'd you think about?"

"What I wanted. I knew I didn't want to be a hunter. I bounced around for what I wanted to be, but I always knew I wanted to have a family. One that wasn't like mine."

I pushed a hair out of his face. I could picture young Sam by the river trying to catch a fish. The idea made me smile. I wondered if he could teach Nel one day.

"I loved my parents, but I know what it feels like to lose a parent." I sucked in my breath. "I never wanted my kids to have to feel that."

 _She won't feel that pain._ I reminded myself. _He's already gone._

"What're you thinking about?" He asked me.

"How much I love seeing you with Nel." I smiled.

He pulled me on top of him and he held my face in his hands. "I love being with Nel. I love being with you."

Sam was so open about his feelings. He was so different from his brother. He was emotional and sweet.

I wanted to be in love with him. I wanted to say what I hoped he wanted to hear, but all I could do was kiss him.

There was still an ache in me that I thought would never go away.

_I buried my face in my moms shirt and cried. "Honey, it's okay."_

" _No! It isn't." I cried harder._

_I had a pair of lizards that I said were married. The girl lizard died. She got depressed, her tail fell off, and she died. Her pen mate laid next to her, and I worried he would die too. "He is going to die of a broken heart, Mommy!"_

_My mom smiled softly and tussled my hair. "Oh sweetie he won't. Losing someone you love is hard, but there isn't just one person for everyone. If your soul is open to love you can have more than one soul mate. They'll always find you. It's their destiny to love you." She leaned in and kissed my hair._

" _Even for Mr Skins?" It wasn't the best name._

" _Even for Mr Skins."_

Maybe she was right. Maybe I could love again, or maybe I would be Mr Skins and curl up next to his love, lose my tail, and die.


	9. When The Light Dies Out

Ava

"Team, this is Detective Winchester. She will be starting here at the Precinct. She has a great track record form her previous department outside of Seattle. Make her feel welcome." Sheriff Jody Mills said. "Your desk is over here." She pointed. "Make yourself at home."

I nodded and smiled. I lowered myself into my chair and ran my hands along my new desk. I was getting my life back. I would only be working four days at first, and Sam would work Wednesday through Sunday. John or Bobby agreed to watch Nel when neither of us were home. They all wanted me to go back to work. To be happy. My old Sargent gave a glowing review. I was hired almost immediately.

"So, Ava. Why do you want to work here?" Sheriff Mills asked, crossing her arms.

"I have a three month old baby." I began. "But before I was a mother I was a damn good detective. I lost myself, and I want to find that girl again. There are two places I feel at home. With my family, and with my work. I need to give myself that second home again."

Jody smiled widely. "I have a son. I know exactly what you mean." She took out my file. "I spoke to your Sargent at your old office. He spoke very highly of you. He was sorry to see you go, but I figure his loss is my gain. We need some more strong willed women in this department. Welcome to the team, Detective."

"So, Ava. I'm Lacey." A woman came up to me, extending her hand. She had a badge attached to her hip. "It's nice to see another woman in this building. It's starting to smell like bacon and axe body spray." She grinned widely. She had shorter strawberry blonde hair.

I laughed warmly and leaned back in my seat.

"I'm surprised Sheriff Mills let you come right in and be a detective with no grunt work. You must be good." She added. 

I shrugged. "I already did the boys club song and dance. I earned my spot every day. Guess it counts for something after all."

"Guess so." She grinned. "Haven't seen you around much. Did you just move?"

"A few months ago. I had a baby, so I'm just getting back to regular life."

"Please tell me you have pictures."

I grinned. It was so nice to talk to someone new. Someone who didn't know me. "Of course I do!" I pulled out my phone and pulled up a picture of Sam holding Nel out to the camera. They were both smiling.

"Oh my gosh she's so cute! And who is this handsome guy? Is this your husband?"

"No." Said weakly. "It's my brother in law."

"Is he single?" She grinned at me.

"No." I said flatly.

The rest of the day was paperwork, and training videos. The most exciting part was my gun certification. It felt good to hold my weapon in my fingers. To feel the cool metal. Before I hunted monsters, there was always an easy answer. Everything could be solved with a pair of cuffs or a gun.

I yearned for that simplicity some days. I took in a deep breath and held it. I only pressed the trigger when I released my breath. Zing. Head shot. I blew through my eight required shots like nothing. Four chest, and four head. Flawless. Sheriff Mills offered to buy me a drink, off the clock to celebrate.

"Rain check, Sheriff. It's my first real day away from my little girl, and I miss her."

I spent the whole day trying to be the badass cop again, but I still pumped in the bathroom during my lunch break, and I still wanted to see her now.

"Give her a kiss for me." Jody said with a nod. "You did good today."

"Thank you."

When I pulled up to the house it was almost dark. My training had taken longer than expected. My breasts were full, and my shoulder was sore from shooting. I was out of practice. I was ready to fall over when I unlocked the door. The house was dark, and I wondered if Sam dropped by Bobby's. I clicked on the light and was suddenly assaulted by sound.

"Surprise! Happy birthday!" Sam had Nel on his chest in a baby wrap. Bobby and John were in the living room as well. It was a pathetic party, but something came over me. He remembered. He wanted to surprise me.

I walked to Sam and pulled him into a hug. "You didn't have to do this."

"Sure I did." He grinned. "We don't really celebrate birthdays, but you deserve a party."

I glanced around the room. "This is a party?"

He laughed loudly, and laced his fingers with mine. "We need to make friends."

"I'll say."

"I ordered take out from that Thai place you like."

I grinned widely. "You're the best!"

"Hey birthday girl." Bobby said walking to me. I released Sams fingers and let Bobby hug me. "Twenty seven. Wow. Does this mean I'm old?"

"Without a doubt."

"Let's have a drink." Bobby offered, pulling me into the kitchen. He took out the whiskey and poured himself a glass. "So do you want to tell me what's going on with you and Sam?"

I swallowed hard, my blood running cold. "What do you mean?"

"I may have been born at night, Ava, but I wasn't born last night."

I sighed. Shit. "I don't know, Bobby. We are living... we are trying to make it through."

"He's a good kid. You know I think that, but isn't it a little soon?"

"Of course it is." I hissed. "But you've seen me, Bobby. I've been a corpse! I've been dead. I died that day with Dean. I want to feel something. Anything good."

His expression softened and he sighed. "Damn it, kid. Is this really the way?"

"I don't know." I admitted. "But it may be way too fucking late to take it back."

"It's never too late, kid. If he cares about you then he will take the hit. Just be honest. That's all you can do."

Sam

"Son, Who are you two trying to fool?" Dad asked.

"What?" I was bouncing Nel. Ava and Bobby had just went into the kitchen.

"You and Ava. Your brother isn't even cold in the ground and you're with her?"

I cleared my throat. "It isn't any of your business, Dad."

"The hell it isn't. You think you can just wiggle into her life, into my granddaughters?"

"So now you're this caring father? You care about Dean now that he's dead?"

"Don't start with me, Son. Where's your respect for your brother? How would he feel?"

"It doesn't matter." I said, broken. "He isn't here. If he was here it wouldn't even be an issue." I shook my head. "I promised him I'd take care of her, and I'll be with her however she wants me. Now this is Ava's birthday, and if you care about her like you pretend to, then put on your happy face, eat dinner, and get the fuck out."

I was grateful that Eleanor was too young to understand. She was asleep, her face pressed against my chest. I put on my best smile and walked into the kitchen. "Ready for dinner?"

"Sure." Ava said with a smile. "But first I want baby snuggles."

I unwrapped Nel from my chest and handed her over to Ava.

"God she's so beautiful. Hi little one." She kissed Nels face and hummed gently to her. "I'll go put her in her swing."

Ava walked out of the kitchen, and I laid out the dinner. It was awkward. It was obvious that Dad and Bobby didn't approve of Ava and I. I didn't care. If she wanted me, I would be there. It was Ava and I against the world.

"How was your first day at work?" I asked Ava as we were digging in.

"It was really good! I renewed my gun certification, and I got my badge."

"You're official." I grinned.

I insisted that she went back to work. She was getting stir crazy in the house. I knew she missed being a part of the force.

"Yup, and I met my partner. Another girl, Lacey."

Bobby groaned.

"What?" Ava asked, sucking a noodle into her mouth.

"That Lacey has arrested me multiple times. She's strong for a skinny thing."

"Uncle Bobby, your picture is up in the office. You're the town drunk." She eyed him.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Got him."

The dinner ended up okay. We were laughing, and drinking. Ava had one drink, but that was enough to make her eyes relax. Bobby and Dad left after we had cake.

I was leaning over the dishes, so she wouldn't have to wash them. Ava walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. "Thank you for tonight. It was wonderful." She pressed her lips to my back and I smiled.

I dried off my hands and turned around to pull her into a hug. She was so small, about a foot shorter than me. "It isn't over yet, birthday girl."

Ava

I raised an eyebrow at Sam, my hands resting on his chest. "It isn't?"

"Nope." He kissed my forehead. He reached into his pocket and handed me a small velvet box.

My heart pounded. The last time a Winchester gave me a box like this it held Mary's wedding ring. The ring that still rested on my finger.

"Open it." He urged me.

I glanced at him. Sam didn't want to marry me. That was fucking crazy. We were friends. We were sleeping together, and just trying to _be_. We weren't in love. I sucked in my breath and opened the box.

A necklace on a silver chain hung three stones. "Oh my god, Sam."

Blue topaz, aquamarine, and an emerald.

"Our birthstones. Yours, mine, and Nel." He said excitedly. "Our family."

Our family minus one.

I stared at the necklace, and even though the gesture was right I still couldn't breathe knowing it was missing an important piece. A garnet for Dean.

"I love it." I choked out.

"Let me put it on you."

I turned around. Sam draped the necklace on my neck and clasped it. "You look beautiful." He said when I turned around.

"Thank you."

"I was thinking. Can I pick you up from work tomorrow?" He ran his fingers through my hair.

"Why?"

"I want to spend time with you." He smiled. "Please."

I met his green eyes, and I melted a bit. "Okay."

He leaned in to kiss me. "You look tired. Head to bed and I'll finish the dishes."

I brushed my teeth, and got into my pajamas. I cuddled into bed and closed my eyes. The necklace felt hot against my skin and I twisted the wedding ring on my finger.

" _Ava wake up."_

_"Hmm?" I opened my eyes sleepily to find Dean sitting next to me holding a cupcake with a lit candle in it. "What?"_

_"Happy birthday, sweetheart." He smiled at me. His cheeks lit up by the candle._

_I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes. "How did you know?"_

_"I've always known. We were just on a case and well... we don't celebrate birthdays."_

_"We don't have to."_

_"You're special, Ava." Dean said with smile. "If anyone deserves a birthday it's you. Make a wish."_

_I closed my eyes and thought._

_What could I wish for? His hand brushed mine and I knew._

_I wish for this. Me and Dean together forever. I want seventy more birthdays. I want children and a yard. I want more late night drives and stolen kisses. I want to spend my life making Sam uncomfortable in the Impala when Dean and I get carried away. I want a life for him._

_I want it all._

_I blew out the candle and opened my eyes. The moment I opened them I caught him kissing me. He was still holding the cupcake, and I glanced at it. I took it out of his hand before he could notice and I shoved it into his face._

_He opened his eyes in shock as the cupcake hung off the side of his face. "Ava Langston!"_

_"Dean Winchester!" I teased._

_He grabbed my face and rubbed his icing covered face on me. I laughed and kissed him. He tasted sweet. I'd never wished on a candle. At least not as an adult, but in that moment I hoped with everything in me that it would come true. That'd I'd never have to say goodbye to this man, because even though we couldn't admit it... we were real. We were in love._


	10. 161,280 Minutes

Ava

Sam picked me up after work. "Hey." I said letting my hair out of its clip.

"How was work?"

Another long day of training. I can't wait to get back in the actual job."

"You'll be great."

I smiled. "Thanks. How was your day?"

"I cleaned the house." He laughed. "It was very boring, but we wanted normal, right?"

I smiled weakly. "We did."

"It's fine, no one likes cleaning."

"Thanks for doing that."

"I live there too." He shrugged. "You don't have to thank me."

"So what are we doing?" I looked around out the window trying to decipher where we were going.

Sam glanced at me as he drove. "I thought that we could go on a date."

I swallowed hard. "A date? Sam... I don't know."

"It'll be fun. Bobby told me about a place in town that he used to take his wife to.."

I shook my head. "I don't know if it's a good idea."

"I saw Deans note on the dresser, Ave." He pulled the car over and turned to me. "I think we should maybe take his advice."

"I don't think this is what he meant."

"Wasn't it? He put a room for me in your house, he asked me to stay with you... I just feel.." His voice trailed off.

"Whatever you're going to say don't say it. I'm not ready to hear it. If you say it then I have to think, and I just don't want to think for awhile. Please don't make me."

He touched my cheek. "I'm sorry for pushing."

"No date?"

"No date." He promised. "What if we just get pizza? Bobby has Nel."

"Only if there's beer." I smiled. He was so understanding. I didn't deserve him.

————————-

Sam went to pick up Nel, and I took my car to Deans grave. I needed to see him. I parked and walked to the wooden cross. I laid down a blanket in front of it. The sun was setting.

"Hey, Dean."

_Hey back._

I could hear him in my head. "I brought us something." I pulled a bottle of whiskey out of my purse and grinned. "Your favorite." I poured a shot for him and sat it in front of the grave marker, and I took a swig from the bottle.

"I miss you so much." I admitted. "I haven't been to visit you because it's been too fucking hard. Things haven't been right. Or maybe they've been a little too right." I looked into the bottle.

"I've been with Sam, but if you could hear me then you'd probably know that already."

I wished I could hear him. Feel his touch. I took another swig, yearning for any part of him.

"What should I do?" I looked at my wedding ring. "It was always me and you. From the moment I met you I was gone. I never told you that I loved you from the beginning." I pressed my hand against the wood. "I couldn't say it to your face. I couldn't be vulnerable. But fuck, I've never loved anyone like this. It hurts sometimes." I watched the sun hiding bending the horizon. The sky was shades of purples and pinks.

"You love Sam, and so do I. It's not the same as how I love you, but I think my mom was wrong. There is just one great love for everyone. You were mine. Maybe I can fall in love with Sam. He's a good man, and he has been a great parent to Nel."

I sucked in my breath. "I named her Eleanor... Eleanor Mary, after our moms. She's so perfect, Dean. She looks just like you. She smiles so much. She laughs. I didn't know I could love anything like I love her. It's the most incredible thing I've ever felt. So powerful."

"When she was born... I kind of got it. Why you did it. Why you let yourself be dragged to Hell. I would do it in a heartbeat. If it were me or her, I would give every part of myself. I would become dust if it meant she could keep breathing. You understood that long before I did."

I wiped my eyes and took another drink. "So shouldn't I give her the family I promised her? He isn't you... but you raised him. You made him the man he is, and I think he loves me. I know he loves Nel. Maybe for once that can be enough. Maybe love can finally be enough."

I went back to the house. I had my answer. The silence. The lack of presence at his grave was enough. He was gone. I cried and I ripped at the grass. I screamed. I got it all out.

I dumped the remainder of the whiskey into the ground. " _Rest easy soldier."_

"You're home late." Sam commented when I walked in. He was at the kitchen table working on the cross word puzzle. "I kind of thought you left us."

"I had to go see him, Sam."

"Him?" He sat down his pen. Sam Winchester was doing the cross word in pen.

"Dean." I met his eyes. "It was time I said goodbye."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying... I'm saying, fine. Let's do this. Let's go on a date. Let's.. I don't know. Do whatever we are doing here. He's been gone for three and a half months. It isn't long enough, but let's be honest. It'll never be long enough, because what he did for me... there's nothing I can ever do to repay him for that. I'll die before I can ever wait long enough."

"Ava you don't have to do any of this." He started to stand, and I shook my head.

"Stop. Don't stand up... I just... I need you to understand. I haven't had a boyfriend since... since forever. Then it was Dean, and there's no denying that he is the great love of my life. I won't apologize for that. I can't."

"I don't want you to." He whispered sadly.

"But Sam, that doesn't mean that there isn't something here. Not everything has to be so intense. Not everything has to be such a big risk." I took his hand and put it over my heart. "Your heart isn't out in the open for a reason. God made a cage around it. I've made my own, too. I'm vulnerable here. Bobby told me to be honest and if you love me you'll understand. I'm not asking for love. I just... I'm willing to try. If you're willing to have me."

"I thought you didn't want to think."

"Turns out thoughts are pesky like that... just can't turn them off."

He put his finger to my lips. "It's my turn to talk. I'm going to say things and you're going to listen."

I nodded and sniffled, trying to keep it together.

"I don't know what part of our time together has made you think that I forgot about Dean. He is my brother. My father. My mother. My best friend. My mentor. I looked up to him my whole life. I always wanted to be just like him, and losing him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I never forget him. Not for a single second, and it hurts that you think I could."

He shook his head and dropped his hand from my chest. He stood up and paced away from me. "For fucks sake, Ava. I'm living in his house. I'm playing family with his wife and his daughter."

"Playing." I whispered.

Sam laughed and shook his head. "That's the thing. I wish it was a game. I wish it was pretend, but Ava I liked you from the day I met you. You were strong and funny. You handled the case and you were brave. Your mom was killed by a demon, but you had a life that I wanted my whole life. You brought something to us... you brought us light. For once we were complete."

He turned to me and met my eyes. "You picked Dean, and that didn't bother me because he never wanted anything. I saw you two, and I knew I didn't have a chance. My wounds from losing Jess were still healing. Fuck they still are. You're not the only one with a ghost in this relationship."

He licked his lips like he was trying to pick his next words carefully. "All I wanted was for my brother to be happy, but he's gone. It hurts so bad knowing he's gone, but he is. Maybe it's time I say goodbye too."

I stepped toward him. "Can I talk now?"

He nodded. He was obviously fighting tears. His jaw was tight and his nostrils were flaring. My sweet Sam.

"Why do you want to be with me?" I asked him, taking his hands in mine.

"Because you make me feel alive." He pressed his forehead to mine, leaning down. "Why do you want to be with me?"

"Because you make _me_ feel alive."

He pulled back to look me in the eyes. "I see him when we are together. I like it." He admitted. "When you laugh I remember you making him laugh."

"I see him too. When I look in your eyes."

"We don't have to banish him, Ave. Maybe we can just remember him together."

I reached up and touched his cheek. "God, I don't deserve you."

"Maybe, but if you want me, I'm yours."

" _I want to talk about what's going to happen when I'm gone."_

" _No way." I shook my head, staring at my stubborn husband._

_We were having a stare off. Both of us had our arms crossed, our jaws set._

" _Come on Ava. I've got to know you'll be okay."_

" _When have I ever given you any indication that I won't be fine?"_

_His eyebrow twitched. "If you're anything like me when you died..."_

" _I'm not going to sell my soul, Dean Winchester."_

_He shrugged. "It was worth mentioning. You are stubborn."_

" _Oh that's the pot calling the kettle black."_

_Dean stepped to me and took me in his arms. "Baby, listen to me. I just want to make sure that you won't be sad forever."_

" _I will be. Of course I will be."_

_He twisted his fingers in my curls. "Please don't be."_

_I'd never saw him beg me like that. His voice was soft and his head was down. "How am I supposed to be happy when I lose you?" If I lose you._

" _Because you're alive. Because you have peanut. You have to find a way, Ave."_

" _I'll try, Dean, but I can't promise I'll be able to just be happy. To just pretend it never happened."_

" _Sweetheart," he smiled. "You don't have to pretend it didn't happen. Just instead of thinking about me being gone... just think about the good times. Choose happiness. If anyone in this world can do it... I know you can." He pulled my face to his and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Be happy for me."_

 _2_ _weeks_ _later_

"In pursuit!" I said into my walkie talkie.

"I'll go around back." Lacey said, before she took off running.

I pushed myself and ran around the front of the building to close off the suspect. It felt good to run. My lungs burned and my legs aches as I pushed them just a little further. I hadn't ran like that since my last case with Sam and Dean.

It felt good.

"Stop right there!" I shouted when I saw the suspect. A white male, mid thirties. He robbed a store in town at gun point. He took down the cashier. Bullet between the eyes. He is armed and dangerous.

He turned to me, and lifted his hands, the gun still in his fingers.

"Lower the weapon!" I shouted at him, pulling my own gun up.

"You first." He growled, glancing around for an exit.

"Sir lower your weapon!" I held my ground, clicking the safety off.

He looked panicked, glancing around. "Fuck." I heard him murmur. He glanced down and kicked at the dust on the road, sending it up into my face. My hands flew up, before a click. _Boom._ He pulled the trigger.

I fell backwards before I felt it, but I knew instantly that I had been shot.

Sam

I went home after work to surprise Ava with dinner. Dad had Nel so we could have some time alone.

I was making pasta and the sauce was bubbling on the stove. I stirred the it. In the last week things had changed a lot between us.

Ava's shoulders seemed more relaxed after our decelerations. We slept cuddled together every night. We kept talking about Dean. It felt good not to pretend like it never happened. It felt good to be together for real.

_Our fingers were laced together. Her naked body was pressed against mine under the sheet. "Tell me about when you were kids."_

" _A lot of traveling. We spent most of our times in motels." I'd told her before, but I think she was searching for something else. Something more to my story. To our story._

" _What about the hunts?"_

" _I didn't go on them until I was older. I always wanted to. He took Dean along when he was much younger. I think he was eight. I didn't go until I was almost fourteen."_

" _Sam... you were just kids. You saw so much death." She looked at me sadly. I didn't want her pity, so I pulled her lips to mine._

_She kissed me back eagerly, melting under my touch. I had everything I wanted._

" _Don't avoid the questions." She murmured against my mouth._

" _I'm not." I promised her. "I just like kissing you."_

" _I like kissing you."_

The doorbell rang, and I turned off the burner. I learned from the pancake incident. Maybe Ava forgot her keys. She was later than expected, anyway, and she hadn't called. "Coming!" I shouted toward the door.

I wiped my hands on my pants and walked toward the door. I unlatched the deadbolt and the bottom lock. I opened the door with a wide smile. "Hey did you forget your keys?"

"Hiya Sammy."

I gripped the door frame, in shock, because there he was. Live and in the flesh.

"Dean?"


	11. All This Time

Ava

Another shot echoed through the air. "Shots fired! We have an officer down!"

I laid on my back, the late afternoon sky was turning to evening. My head pounded as I watched a cloud float languidly above me. "Winchester! Are you okay?" Lacey was over me. She popped open the buttons from my shirt to examine my wound, and she let out the breath she had been holding.

"You're wearing your vest."

I sat up slowly. "I think I have a serious bruise." I smiled wryly. "But yeah, I think I'm okay."

The perp was face down in the concrete. "We are going to have a lot of paperwork."

"Yup. It's gonna be a late one." She said helping me up.

Back at the station Lacey started on our paperwork, and I went to the bathroom. I unsnapped my bulletproof vest, and looked at the massive black and purple bruise on my ribs.

I thought about how the boys, and I could've used one in our time hunting. I winced touching the edge of the bruise. I could see Sam and Deans scars on their chests and arms. Cuts and bullet wounds that they took care of themselves.

Dean, and I always talked about how Sam should date a doctor so they could finally stop having to stitch up each other.

It didn't matter anymore. We weren't hunting. I wondered if Sam missed it. If he missed it like I missed being a detective. Like I honestly missed hunting.

I pulled my shirt back down and grabbed Lacey and I both coffees. "Sam is going to be pissed when he sees the bruise. He told me to be safe."

"You were safe."

"We have a child." I said with a huff, sitting down. "I'm not supposed to be in armed chases."

"So you and Sam... you're taking the plunge?" Lacey asked handing me my paperwork.

"The plunge is a little dramatic." I said clicking my pen. "But yeah. We are trying. It's only been a few weeks, but it's been nice."

I told Lacey that Dean was a soldier. I told her that he died in Afghanistan. It was the only explanation I had for what we'd all been through. For why I couldn't talk about him. She asked if Sam served too, her brother had and she said he had the look. Like he'd been through the shit.

"I think it's good that you two are trying. You should be happy."

"Thanks Lace." I signed my name at the end of the first form. "I really should call him. He's going to be worried."

"Hey, go ahead and go home. I'll finish up here and help you tomorrow. You've got a tall dark and handsome man to see." She wiggled her eyebrows at me.

"I wouldn't call him dark." I winked at her. "But, yeah, thanks. I'd like to go home and see him and Nel."

I grabbed my purse and jacket. I was going home to see my family. We were a family, and things were finally good. I was finally feeling happy again.

Dean

I gasped, feeling shallow air enter my lungs for the first time in what felt like a life time. I didn't realize that there wasn't air in Hell. What fueled the fire, then?

I couldn't see, wherever I was was dark. I was laying on my back and when I reached out there were walls on all side of me. I reached into my pocket. My body felt stiff, my fingers sore. I pulled out my zippo lighter and flicked it a few times before it came to life.

I was in a wooden coffin. "Shit." I coughed. My mouth and throat was so dry I could barely speak. I closed my eyes. _What am I going to do?_

I reached down and pulled my knife out of my boot, barely able to move that way. I jimmied the edge of the coffin and held my breath. I pushed the coffin lid out of the way the dirt loosened around the coffin, pouring in around me.

_Keep it together Dean. You've been through worse._

We had practiced this, when I was a kid. Dad would shove me in the box and close the lid.

" _You have to be prepared for anything, Son. Remember there will be a lot to work through. Don't breathe in the dirt or you'll suffocate."_

I had nightmares for years about being buried alive. Guess I owe him a whiskey.

I dug up, knocking dirt away with my knife. The ground was cold, and my skin stung. The darkness felt endless, and I hoped whoever buried me was lazy about it and didn't stick me more than six feet under.

My chest pounded. I'd always been claustrophobic, but this was my literal nightmare. All I could see was Ava. If I was back I had to see her, but there was still a chance that I was still in Hell. That this was just a new form of torture.

I wanted to stop then, to let the darkness take me, but like always, she came to me.

_Dean you can do this. Break through and come home to me. I've been waiting._

In my mind she is still pregnant, just like I left her. Even if I'm still in Hell, I have to try. I owe her that much.

I pushed up further with all of my strength, thrusting the knife upward. A beam of light came into the hole I was in. My hand broke through the soil, and I could feel the sun on my skin.

My hands felt dried grass as I pulled myself up, sucking in fresh air. I gasped a few times, laying on my back. I stared at the sky just feeling everything. For the first time in so long not feeling any pain.

I stood up slowly and looked around me to find any indicator of where I was. In the circle around my grave marker a dozen trees laid on their side, as if they bent right over, all in a perfect circle.

It was weird, but so was rising from the grave so I didn't feel the need to stick around. I moved slowly to the road, needing a phone. Needing a drink. Anything. Any sign that this was all real.

I pushed forward, my skin itching from being underground. I slid off my flannel and tied it around my waist. I wanted to spit, to get the dirt out of my mouth, but there was no moisture inside of me. _How long have I been gone?_

A pit grew in my stomach. If I'd been gone as long as I thought, Ava would be old. My daughter will be grown up. Dad and Bobby will be... I shook of the thought. If this was a mind game it was a damn good one.

I spotted a connivence store ahead of me, and I picked up the pace. It was old and run down, and there were no cars around it. I knocked a few times. "Hello?" I croaked. Even if there was someone there they wouldn't be able to hear me.

I rolled my eyes and wrapped my flannel around my arm as I sent it through the glass on the front door. I let myself in and immediately went to the cooler. I pulled out a bottle of water and sucked it down.

I'd never felt anything better than the cold water running down my dry, cracked throat. It tasted almost sweet. If water tasted that good I couldn't even imagine having a beer again.

I had to pull back so I could breathe. My lungs opening. Fresh air. It was all surreal. I walked around the store, still suckling my bottle. There was a stand near the back wall with newspapers stacked. I picked one up to check the date. April 12th. My heart sunk. It wasn't as long as I thought, but if this was right... I'd been gone for four months. My daughter and my wife were out there somewhere. They had to be.

I made my way to the bathroom. I needed to splash my face. I needed some clarity. I turned on the water, taking it in my hands. It felt good on my raw face. My muscles tight from being stagnant for four months.

I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. I was ripped apart, but yet when I lifted my shirt there was no scars. I looked under my left sleeve, and then my right. My breath hitched in my throat. My right shoulder held a pink scar. Still fresh. It was barley healed. If I didn't know any better I'd say it was a handprint.

"Fuck, Sammy what did you do?"

I walked toward the front, to collect some supplies when the tv turned on next to me. It was all static. I clicked it off only for it to turn back on. The radio clicked on as well. I reached immediately, just like I was taught. I grabbed salt off the shelf and poured it around the window. I glanced back at the tv. Something was happening. A high pitched ringing came to my ears. I covered one, but it just got louder. I dropped the salt, my hands covering my ears. My ear drums were going to explode.

The glass windows cracked, and exploded in an instant, sending me to the floor, covered in glass. The noise stopped, and I looked around. No cold spots. _What the fuck is going on?_

I opened the cash register for some coins. I went outside to the pay phone, because my cell was dead in my pocket. I slipped a coin in and dialed Sams number. "The number you have tried to reach has been disconnected."

Ava's was disconnected too.

Something was wrong. I tried Bobby next. _Ring. Ring. Ring._ "Hello?"

"Bobby?"

"Who is this?"

"It's me."

"Whose me?"

"It's Dean..." I began, my throat still hoarse.

_Click._

I groaned and slid another coin in. I dialed his number again.

"Listen, I don't know who this is, but it isn't funny. You call here again, and I'll kill ya." _Click._

I rubbed my face. I wasn't sure where I was. I couldn't place it, but there was an old car parked near the phone. I shook my head and pushed out of the phone booth to hot wire it.

I planned to head straight to Bobby's. I didn't know what happened while I was gone, but if Ava and Sams phones were off there'd be no guarantee that they'd be at the house, but Bobby was still at home. That was a start.

—————————-

I knocked on his door. I'd drank five bottles of water and eaten some jerky on the drive up. I was feeling a lot better, but not as good as I felt when Bobby swung the door open.

He looked good, and I realized then how much I missed him. "Surprise."

Bobby's mouth hung open. His eyes squinted. "I don't.."

"Yeah, me neither." I said stepping through the door. "But here I am."

He came at me with a knife. I dodged him and put a chair between us. "Bobby it's me!"

"The hell it is!" He came at me again.

"Wait wait! Your name is Robert Singer, you became a hunter when your wife was possessed by a demon, your niece is Ava Langston. I married her even though you told me no... Bobby it's me."

Bobby pushed the chair out of the way and reached out slowly to touch me. His hand rested on my shoulder for a split second before he came at me again.

I pushed him out of the way, managing to take his knife from him. "I'm not a shape shifter!"

"Then you're a revenant!"

"If I was either could I do this with a silver knife?" I asked, groaning internally. I sliced my upper arm, feeling the familiar sting of blade against flesh.

"Dean?"

"That's What I've been trying to tell you."

"It's good to see you, Son. How did you bust out?"

"I don't know.. I just.."

My face was wet. Bobby had taken his flask of Holy water and doused me with it. If I weren't so damn happy to be alive I'd be annoyed. I took my sleeve and wiped it off. "I'm not a demon either. Satisfied?"

"Better safe than sorry." He shrugged. "This doesn't make any sense... you were ripped to shreds. Even if you got out you shouldn't have had a body to come back to. What do you remember?"

"Nothing." I lied, my jaw tense. "Sammy and Aves phones are turned off... are they?"

Bobby sat up a little straighter. "They're okay. They're still living at the house, they just wanted out. The last few months have been tough. We had to bury you."

"Why did you bury me?"

"I wanted to salt and burn you, ya know the hunters funeral, but Sam wouldn't have it."

"Well," I said, touching my solid form. "I guess I'm glad he won that argument."

"He said you'd need your body when he brings you back home somehow."

"Well he brought me back alright, but whatever he did has bad mojo. Something blew past me at a gas station, and then there's this." I pulled up my sleeve to show him the hand print.

"What the hell?"

"Looks like a demon pulled me out of Hell."

"But why?"

"To hold up its end of the bargain." I turned, sending my fist into the wall.

"You think he made a deal?" Bobby didn't look convinced.

"Yeah, I do. It's what I would've done."

Sam

"Who are you?" I asked, grabbing for the knife and the holy water in the side table near the door.

"I'm Dean." He looked confused.

I grabbed the knife and lunged at him, but he grabbed ahold of me. "This shit again." He grumbled, taking my blade. "Look." He said, cutting his forearm. "Not a shifter, not a revenant. Give me the holy water."

I looked at him curiously, but I complied. He took a swig of the flask and let me go. "Dean?"

"I know... I look fantastic." He gave his classic wide grin, and I pulled him into a hug. He was solid. He was here.

He squeezed me back before releasing me. "So tell me..." he began, stepping into the house. "What did it cost?"

"What did what cost?"

"Getting me out. Did you just sell your soul or is it something worse?"

I frowned. "Dean, I didn't sell my soul. I tried. I tried everything and no one would deal. I don't know how you got back, but it wasn't me. It's been tearing me up I knowing I couldn't save you."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No. I'm not. I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Sammy. I believe you."

We looked between each other. We wanted to know, how did he get out.

He walked into the living room, picking up a framed photo of Ava. One that he'd taken. "Where... where is she, Sam?"

I swallowed hard. "She's at work."

His shoulders looked relaxed. "She's back to work? Where?"

"She just started working as a detective again. She should be home soon."

I wanted to warn her, but I didn't know what I'd say. I made love to her this morning, and now he's back.

"And..." He day the picture down. "And what about Peanut?"

I smiled. "She's great. She's with Dad."

He crossed his arms and stepped toward me. "You let Dad take her?"

"He's actually really good with her." I said awkwardly.

Dean cleared his throat. "Hopefully better than he was with us."

"Much better." I agreed.

"Good... that's good." He slowly lowered himself onto the couch.

"Hey Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"What was it like?"

He glanced up at me. "What was what like? Hell?"

"Yeah."

"Honestly, Sammy, I don't remember a damn thing."

I looked at him, and with the way that his forehead was wrinkled and his hands were clasped together. I knew he was lying.


	12. Lanterns

Dean

We sat on the porch, with a whiskey in each hand. I watched my younger brother, and felt the cool night air. It felt good. It felt real. "Who put these up?" I asked, gesturing to the lanterns that hung above our heads.

"I did." Sam shrugged. "You like em?"

"It feels like a retirement house in Florida." I squinted. I was lying. There wasn't much I didn't like right now.

"We can take them down." Sam said, self consciously.

"Nah, Sammy. It's good. Makes things seem.. festive."

"If you're sure.."

I smiled at him. "Are you okay, man? You seem weird."

"You've been dead for four months, Dean." He said sadly. "I'm just... I'm not sure how to feel. Well that's wrong." He frowned.

"Sammy it's okay."

"It's not. I know how to feel." He smiled. "I'm happy you're back."

"Me too."

"I'm just worried, too. How did this happen? What's the trade? Why would a demon pull you out?"

I shook my head and finished my drink. "I don't know, Sammy. I really don't. Tryin not to look a gift horse in the mouth and all that."

Sam took my glass and filled it again. "Thanks." I said. I looked into the glass. "Sammy, how has she been?"

He was holding back, I could tell. I knew everything about that kid. "Things have been tough, Dean. For all of us. She's done what it takes for her to stay above water."

"Right." I needed more. It wasn't enough. I needed her. I needed to know if she hated me.

"I'm home!"

Her voice rang in my ear, and I sat up a little straighter. I could hear her through the screen door. Her voice was smooth. She sounded like sweet honey whiskey. 

Sam turned away from me and stood up, blocking my view.

"Hey!" She said brightly before pausing. "What's wrong?"

I stood up slowly, and Sam moved slightly so I could see. She looked beautiful. She looked different. Her hair was cut to her shoulders, and her pregnant belly was gone. She reminded me of the first time I saw her, wearing dress slacks and a button up shirt. She looked thicker than she was then, but she still took my breath away.

"Ava." I exhaled her name. It felt natural. Like I was born to say her name.

Her hands covered her mouth in shock and Sam grabbed for her so she wouldn't pass out.

She looked between us weakly.

"It's really him." Sam whispered to her. "Dean is alive."

Her eyes moved from Sams to mine. "Dean?"

"It's me, sweetheart."

She stood up, her hand leaving Sams. She walked to me slowly, as if she was trying to test the situation out.

I wanted to give her space, but I found myself quickly closing the space between us. Her hands reached out and touched my chest, my face. "My god." She whispered.

"Haven't been called that in a while." I joked quietly. My hands found her face. She was real.

She cracked a slight smile, and her blue eyes flickered to mine.

"I want to kiss you."

"Then do it."

I cradled her head in my hand and brought her mouth to mine. Kissing Ava was like riding a bike. Her body was changed, but I could feel so much more in her kiss. In the curve of her mouth and the way her body fit perfectly curled into mine.

Her hands wrapped around my neck, pulling me closer. If we could fuse into one person I knew we would. I'd disappear within her.

When I was with Ava I would lose time. It's like nothing else mattered than being with her. We may have been apart for months, but when we were together time meant nothing. It stood still.

We pulled apart to catch our breath, and I could find her eyes wandering.

I followed her gaze, to find out that we were alone. "Sammy must've wanted to give us some space."

She pushed her hair behind her ear. "Yeah."

"Hey." I whispered, holding her face in my hands. "What's wrong?"

Ava looked up at me. "I think I'm in shock."

"Do you want to sit down?"

She nodded and I took her into my arms, lowering us on to the porch swing. She curled against me, and I wrapped my arms around her tightly.

I rocked us gently. "You look beautiful, Ave."

"You... you look amazing, Dean." She said looking up at me. There were tears in her eyes. "The last time I saw you..."

"Shh.. I know."

"How? How did this happen?"

"We don't know, but that's a question for another day. Today I just want to be with you."

She gripped my shirt in her hand. "Do you remember anything?"

"No."

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked."

I shook my head. "Ava you're my wife, you can ask me anything. Truth, I don't remember."

Ava sat up a bit and reached behind her to unlatch a necklace. "Here." She said, handing me the strand. "This is yours."

I looked at my palm and smiled. My wedding ring. I slid it back into my finger, where it was meant to be.

"Thanks for taking care of it for me."

"Of course."

We paused, staring at each other. I swallowed hard, trying to get up the courage to ask her. "Can you... can you tell me about her? About peanut?"

Ava looked take aback, and guilt flooded her features. "Dean I'm sorry I was so caught off guard.. of course. I'll tell you everything."

"When is her birthday?"

"She was born early. On Christmas Eve. I was sick. Preeclamptic. My blood pressure was so high I was on bed rest for two weeks before we had to induce."

"But she was okay?" I asked, concerned. Christmas Eve was too early. She was born almost 8 weeks early.

"She was perfect. We were able to get her some steroids to help her develop. She's strong."

I fought back tears. She was alive. She was okay. She was almost four months old. I missed so much already.

"I named her Eleanor Mary Winchester."

"After our Moms." I whispered. "Ava it's perfect."

"You really like it?"

I pressed my forehead to hers. "Yes... can I meet her? I'm sorry I don't want to push."

"Yes." She nodded, taking my face in her hands. "You don't even have to ask me that. She's yours, Dean. You don't even have to ask."

"Sammy said she's with Dad. Is he going to drop her off?"

She frowned a bit. "I'm not sure. I'd have to ask Sam."

I shrugged. "Maybe he went to get her. He knows I want to see her."

"Let's go find out." She offered, getting off the swing.

I followed her into the house. "Sammy?"

Silence called back to me. We were alone. "I can call him." She offered.

I shook my head. "Nah, Ave it's fine. He will come back with her. Maybe even with dinner." I grinned.

"Are you hungry? I can cook..."

I took her hand. "There's only one thing on my mind."

"What is it?" She turned, and when she met my eyes her cheeks turned pink. "Oh."

"Oh." I mumbled back to her pulling her to me by her hand.

My imagination over my time in Hell couldn't do her justice. Not the real her. The warmth of her body against mine. Her pulse under my lips. It all reminded me that I was alive and in the present. I was here, and she was with me.

I picked her up in my arms, needing to feel her weight. Anything else that could prove it wasn't a dream. She wrapped her legs around me, and I pressed her against the wall. I was hungry for her. My fingers found the buttons on her blouse, and with force I popped them all open.

She looked away from me, self consciously as I took in her new body. She was so fucking stunning. Every time I thought she couldn't be more beautiful she would change. I ran my fingers along the stretch marks on her stomach. Over her belly button that was still slightly protruding. She carried my child in this body. She gave her life. It made me want her even more.

"You're so fucking sexy." I growled before crashing my lips back into hers.

She clawed at my shirt, pulling it over my head with great difficulty, from the way I was holding her. Her lips kissed along my neck, onto my shoulder. She stopped and gasped. "Dean... What is this?" She ran her fingers along the hand print on my shoulder.

"I don't know." I admitted. "I think it's from whatever pulled me out of the pit."

She ran her fingers along the raised scar and then kissed it gently, sending a chill down my spine. She looked over the scar carefully, taking it in, then she turned to my face, taking me in. Just when I thought she was going to see into me, into the darkness I carried, and scream, she didn't. She smiled a bit, and pressed her lips to the space under my ear. "Take me to bed." She murmured against my skin.

Relief flooded through me. "You got it, sweetheart."

Ava

"Remember when you said we could be together, just for that one night? So we didn't sleep. I didn't want it to be over." Dean asked me sleepily. It was weird being back in our room. It was weird being with him. The guilt was weighing on my chest.

"Yeah."

"That's how I feel now. I'm worried if I let myself fall asleep I'll wake up and this will all be a dream."

I glanced up at him. Out naked bodies were twisted together under our satin sheets. My breasts were pressed to his side. He looked the same, but there was something in his eyes. He had been through more than he was saying, but fuck, so had I. He was being vulnerable, and as honest as I believed he could be right now.

"Dean, you're back, and you're safe. Nothing else matters." I kissed his tattoo.

It was the truth. I could feel his pulse under my lips as I kissed his chest. I could feel his breath on my neck when he kissed me. The heat of his skin. He was back. He was alive, and nothing else mattered. I just had to tell Sam. I had to make sure he understood.

"I just don't want to miss her, because I'm asleep." He said self consciously.

I smiled. He was so cute, and if I was being honest I was dying for him to meet her. "Sam will wake us when she gets home."

I did worry that he didn't go to get her. John shouldn't be that far away, but I wasn't going to mention that to my fragile husband.

"Okay." He exhaled, snuggling closer to me.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

He kissed my hair. "I'm with you. I've never been better."

————————-

Dean finally drifted to sleep. I could hear his gentle snores, and feel his breath tickling my cheek.

I wanted to fall asleep with him. To fall into him and drown. But I was afraid. I was watching his chest rise and fall, worried that he would stop breathing. I did the same with Nel when she first came home.

I smiled and pressed a kiss to his slightly opened mouth. He was so tired he didn't wake up, but it was okay. He was breathing, and he was mine.

I looked up as our door opened. Sam pokes his head in and immediately his face wilted in front of me. "Can we talk?" I whispered to him before he could disappear behind the door.

He nodded and shut it anyway.

Fuck. That isn't how I wanted this to go.

I slid into a pair of leggings and my old academy sweatshirt and I slipped out of the room.

Sam stood in the kitchen pacing. He ran his fingers through his hair. "Hey." I said cautiously. "Where have you been?"

"Do you care?" He asked sharply.

I frowned. "Sam, come on."

He turned to me, his eyes were bloodshot. "Come on what?"

I sighed and pushed my hair behind my ear. "He's back, Sam. Everything has changed."

"Not everything." He mumbled.

I frowned. A wiff of whiskey came to my nose as he turned away from me. "Are you drunk?"

"I'll ask you again, do you care?"

"Yeah, I do care." I snapped. "Sam this isn't you. All we have wanted for months is for Dean to be back and he is here. I'm his wife."

"You don't think I know that, Ava?" He was raising his voice.

"Come here." I groaned, taking his hand. I pulled him outside, shutting the door behind us. I walked him out onto the small footbridge that went over the creek in front of the house. "We can't yell. He's sleeping and I... I don't want him to know."

"I don't want him to know either." Sam groaned, running his fingers through his hair. He crossed his arms and leaned against the railing.

"Then we agree. It never happened."

"But it did happen." He hissed. "Maybe you can pretend, but I can't."

I looked at the man who has been my rock for four months, and my best friend for longer. I am so fucking selfish that I couldn't see how much he really cared. How he hadn't bothered having feelings for anyone since Jess. For anyone but me. I sighed. "Sam... I'm so sorry."

"I am so conflicted." He said, stepping toward me. Lightening flashed behind his head. I hadn't even noticed the rain smell in the air. It was about to storm. "Because I am so fucking happy that Dean is back. It's all I've prayed for, but then there's us. There's our family. How am I supposed to stop? How can I let go of the one thing that's made me happy in years?"

My eyes stung as I looked at him. Emotion poured out of him as he stepped closer to me.

"I left, because watching you two together hurt so bad that I needed to get away. I got fucked up so maybe I could convince myself that I could just be the good brother. That I could be the better man. I know at the end of the day it's Dean. It's always been Dean, but a little selfish part of me wanted to be the one. I wanted the last four months to mean as much to you as it does to me."

He closed the space between us, taking my hands. "Tell me that it meant nothing."

"I can't." I sighed, not able to focus with him standing so close. Dean is my soul mate, but Sam put me back together when I was broken. He held the pieces of me until I could heal. He was my glue. That wasn't nothing. He helped me raise my daughter for months. That wasn't nothing.

His hands left mine and he held my face. "I know we can't." He whispered. A tear rolling down his cheek. "But it doesn't mean I don't want it. It doesn't mean I wish I'd known that the last time I kissed you would be the last. I would've made it count."

I looked at his eyes in the darkness. They used to remind me of Dean, but now, tonight, as he poured his soul out to me, I saw them for the first time. They were all Sam. Sweet, innocent, passionate, green with a taste of whiskey. They were in pain and dulled from the darkness and the liquor. They were the eyes of someone I loved, and someone I was hurting. There was no right answer, and the only thing that came to mind may be just a bandaid. It may just make things worse. Little Tommy with his finger in the dam, but I had to. I needed closure, and so did he.

I exhaled slowly and reached up on my tip toes and pressed my lips to his. A goodbye kiss. One that would count.


	13. The Touch of an Angel

Ava

One kiss for the road. One kiss to say everything that we couldn't say. That we would never say. He pulled me closer, and I let him.

My heart was confused. My head was swimming. There wasn't ever a choice. Not for this. Maybe in a different life.

Thunder rolled around us, and I pulled back. "We need to get inside."

"But if we go inside then it's over."

I touched his cheek. It was rough from the beard he was growing. He looked older. "Sam... it already is over."

"I don't want to leave Nel..."

"You don't have to." I whispered. "I don't want you to leave." It wasn't fair, but I had to say it.

"I don't want to leave either, but this..." he gestured to us. "It's complicated. I don't know if I can look at you every day and not be with you."

I sighed and wiped my eyes. "Sam, I'm his wife. We got married. We had a child. He died for me. The two of us were happy. In love." I swallowed hard, biting back tears. "I'm his wife."

"And I'm his brother, Ava. You're not the only one who betrayed him."

Betrayed. There it was. The word I was searching for, but couldn't speak out loud. I promised my unborn child that I wouldn't let her fathers sacrifice go in vain. Instead, I got with his brother.

"It'll destroy him." I whispered. "If he finds out."

Sam looked down and he sucked in his breath. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"It never happened." He turned toward the house, walking up the stairs, and through the front door.

It was final. It's what needed to be done. Thunder roared around me again and rain started falling all around me, washing me clean. Or trying to drown me. At this point I honestly couldn't tell which was which.

I walked up the stairs and around to the other side of the house, opening the sliding glass door that connected the wrap around porch to our bedroom. I didn't want to pass Sam again. I needed some space. We needed some space.

I slid open the door, shivering from the rain.

Dean sat up suddenly, his muscles right. He looked around for me.

"Hey." I said to him.

He exhaled in relief. "Hey back." He opened his arms for me and I crawled into bed, despite my rain-soaked clothes. "Ave you're soaking wet." He raised his eyebrows.

"I needed some air."

He ran his fingers through my wet curls. "Is this too much?"

I searched his face. He looked vulnerable. He was looking into my eyes for an answer. One that sat on both of our tongues. Do I still love him? I touched his cheek with my cold hand. He was warm. He smiled at my touch and turned to kiss my palm.

"It's not too much. All I've wanted for the last four months is to be with you."

I thought back to my birthday wish. I wanted to be with him forever. It was always us.

"You're shivering." He commented. "Let me warm you up."

I scooted toward him, and he peeled off my wet sweatshirt, and leggings. I snuggled against him under the blanket, pressing my naked body to his. He wrapped his arms around me and tangled his legs with mine.

"Thank you." Dean whispered to me.

"For what?"

"I don't know much about Hell, I don't remember much... but I do know that the only reason I'm here is because of you. I know that if I'm still sane it's because I never forgot how I felt about you."

I pulled him closer. So close that my very being ached. I love him. I love him so much.

"I could still feel your lips. And your hips." He grinned widely.

"I thought about your hips the first day I met you." Bed breaking to be exact.

"I thought about yours too." He grinned. "You look way too good in your dress pants."

"And you look good in a suit."

"I guess we make a good pair." He said kissing me again.

"I guess we do."

Our hands we're together, fingers intertwined. I examined his hands. They were cut. His knuckles still fresh. "What happened?"

"Have you ever clawed your way out of a coffin?"

I frowned and pressed my lips to his knuckles. "Can't say I have." I whispered.

"Ava."

"Dean?"

"Did you get my note?"

I licked my lips and frowned. "It took me a long time to come back in here, but eventually I did read it."

"Did you do it? Let yourself be happy?"

I closed my eyes.

" _Sam if I watch anymore How I Met Your Mother I think I will morf into Ted Mosby."_

" _But it's happening. Come on one more."_

" _Why do you like this so much?" I asked, curled against his chest._

" _It's hilarious."_

" _I mean, yeah. But why do you stay up with me watching it?"_

" _I like it." He said stroking the length of my hair._

_I knew why. I couldn't sleep, so he stayed up with me. It's how it had been since the first night I came home. The two of us cuddled on the couch watching some new tv show to distract me._

" _So I'm doing you a favor by watching it with you, is what you're saying." I grinned._

" _Exactly."_

" _You're so dumb." I laughed. "I'm going to make some popcorn."_

" _Add the ranch seasoning!"_

" _What? Do you think I'm new here or something. Of course I'll add the ranch seasoning!"_

"In my own way, in a different way than what I'm used to... yeah I was happy."

"I'm glad." Dean nodded. "What about Sammy?"

"What about him?"

"Was he happy? He's out of the life so I bet he is."

"Yeah, Sam was happy."

I just hoped with everything in me that he could still be happy.

Sam

_Earlier_

"Whiskey." I nodded to the bartender as I almost fell onto the bar stool. She kissed him. Of course she would. I knew she missed him, but somehow I thought it would've been different. Maybe it was because I still was tingling from being in bed together that morning. "Actually, make it a double."

The bartender slid me the glass, and I accepted the warmth willingly. Dean was back. I was so happy when I saw him. Seeing him smile. Seeing him alive. It's what I begged for as I dug at the frozen ground. It's what I threatened for with every demon Ruby and I exercised.

All I've wanted for months is to see my brother again, and to not wake up in a cold sweat picturing him in Hell. It's all I wanted, but yet, when Ava saw him everything changed.

She looked shocked. He picked her up and her eyes locked with mine. The romantic dinner I was cooking for her was cold on the stove.

I finished the whiskey and I gestured for another. _What the fuck am I going to do?_

"Sam."

I turned toward the familiar voice and was face to face with Ruby. Her hair was down in loose waves. She wore a tank top under her leather jacket. She looked pale.

"Ruby? What're you doing here?"

"Is it true?" She took a step toward me.

"Is what true?"

"Is Dean back from the pit?"

I took a drink of the new pour. "How did you hear about that?"

"So it is true."

"We think it was a demon."

"Sam." Ruby shook her head. "Demons can't just pull people out. Souls don't walk out of Hell. No one can do that. Not even Lilith."

I could see her shocked face as she tried to attack me, falling off short. "Maybe she isn't as strong as she likes to pretend she is."

"Sam this is serious." Ruby said low. "The demons are scared. _I'm_ scared. Whatever did this is bad."

"You're a demon. Isn't bad your thing?"

"Not bad like a demon.. the earth quakes at its voice. This is cosmic. This is big."

"So what are you saying?" I asked with a sigh, gesturing for another glass.

"What are you doing?" She grabbed for the drink, but I stopped her arm.

"Celebrating." I said dryly.

"Is this about the girl? Fucking _really_ Sam? What are you fourteen? There's so much more going on here than your love life." She moved closer to me. "Besides, if you need a girl in your bed you know one that's always willing."

I batted her away with a groan. I was attracted to Ruby, there was no doubt about it. She was sexy and powerful, but she wasn't Ava. Not even close.

"You need to figure out what this is before we are all dead." Ruby said, pulling her hand out from under mine. "So I hope your little fling doesn't get everyone killed. Goodbye Sam."

I watched Ruby walk away, swinging her hips. She was right. I couldn't be with Ava even if she wanted to. She was never mine to start off with, and more importantly, something yanked Dean from the pit, and we still have no idea why.

Dean

_Alastair's eyes were black, his snaked tongue licking his lips as he brought the blade over my skin, carefully peeling it away._

_I screamed out, not able to be the stoic badass I liked to believe myself to be. I tried to find my happy place away from the heat, and sting of his blade. If I were alive I would've passed out a long time ago, but I'm not alive. I'm in Hell._

_There was no happy place for me, no matter where I went I still felt his fingers on my skin forcing open wounds with tools that could only be invented by a master._

" _Little Dean Winchester. So many scars. So much pain." He ran his knife along my skin, and I struggled against the restraint. "It's only a matter of time before I break you. Everyone has a breaking point."_

_Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wanted to call out for Sam, for Ava, but I knew better than to give him ammunition. To give him something else to hurt me with._

_He lifted the blade and slammed it down on my ring finger, slicing it in two. My vision blurred for a second as I cried out, begging to pass out._

" _Oops! It slipped!"_

_He was a liar. It never slipped. I was set up to endure an eternity of his sharp teeth and black eyes hanging over me, breathing hot wet breath that smelled like death._

" _Well I'd hate for your other hand to not match." He lifted his blade with a larger than life smile, almost ripping open his cheeks to show rows and rows of razor sharp teeth._

I sat up in bed gasping for breath. I moved my hands out in front of me. They were in tact.

"Hey, are you okay?" Ava asked, sitting up. She pressed the sheet to her bare chest.

"Just a bad dream." I admitted, my heart still pounding. I clamped my eyes closed trying to send the images away. I felt her lips against my shoulder and suddenly I could breathe deeply again.

I wasn't in Hell, I was here with Ava.

A knock came to our bedroom door. "Hey ya idgits need to get around. I've got a lead." Bobby said through the door. "My friend Pamela is the best damn psychic in the US. If anyone can find out what pulled Dean out its her. Put on your boots, we leave in 10."

—————————

Ava and I drove in the Impala, and for some reason Sam rode with Bobby in his truck. Ava called Dad and told him we would pick up Nel on the way back home.

" _He said he will take her to the park. He has enough bottles to last the rest of the day."_

" _He's going to take her to the park?" I asked dumbfounded. Not only was a four month old baby too young to possibly play at a park, but he never took his own kids to a park._

Ava snuck away to the bathroom to pump while I got ready, complaining that her breasts were sore. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to take a peek, but I knew there'd be time to make up for everything I've missed.

We pulled up to Pamela's house, and found a curvy brunette in a Led Zeppelin tank top and tight jeans waiting for us on the porch. "Bobby!" She said, waving as he got out of the car.

I raised an eyebrow at Sam. Maybe he could take her out. Sam and Pam, they could double with Ava and I.

_Christ when did I turn into the guy who thinks about double dates?_

I glanced at Ava as she shook hands with Pam, she smiled shyly and my stomach fluttered. _I know exactly when I turned into that guy. I'm weirdly okay with it._

"Dean Winchester back from Hell." Pamela grinned as she took my left hand in hers. She eyed my wedding ring. "That's a real shame." She murmured tapping the ring.

I shrugged. "That's What all the women say."

I heard Ava snort next to me, and I grinned cheekily.

"Any word? Are the spirits talkin?" Bobby asked as we entered the house.

"I've used my spirit board with about a dozen spirits and no one knows who pulled your boy out."

Sam sighed. "So what next, then?"

"Next, tall dark and handsome, I do a seance."

"You're going to summon the damn thing?" Bobby asked, shocked.

"No, no." Pamela laughed. "More like take a glimpse at it. Like a crystal ball, but without the crystal." She patted Bobby's shoulder.

She went into the dinning room to set up and I hung back to catch Sammy. "Hey." I whispered to him. "You should go for it."

"Focus, Dean." He said sharply before walking away from me.

I frowned. _What's his deal?_

"Alright, take a seat around the circle." She said.

The table had a cloth draped over it, and a pentagram in the center. There were a variety of candles lit, and the only light in the room was coming in through the closed blinds.

We all sat, Sam next to Pamela, Bobby next to Sam, Ava next to Bobby, and me in between Ava and Pamela.

"Take hands." She instructed us.

I took Ava's in mine. Her palm was sweaty. "It's okay." I promised her at a level only she could hear. She nodded, but didn't look convinced.

"I need to touch something that the mystery monster touched." Pamela eyed me up and down.

"Here." I said exposing the handprint on my shoulder.

She closed her eyes and we followed her lead.

"I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle. I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle. I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle."

I opened my eye to take a peek. Something felt wrong. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I saw the tv in the corner come to life, on a static screen just like in the gas station.

"I invoke, conjure, and command... Castiel? No. Sorry, Castiel, I don't scare easy."

"Castiel?" I asked, feeling Ava squeeze my hand harder.

"Its name. It's whispering to me, warning me to turn back."

Pamela's nails dug into my skin, and the table began to shake. The energy in the room was growing, threatening to bubble over.

"I conjure and command you, show me your face." Pamela chanted, over and over, her hand growing hot on my skin.

All of our eyes were open now, but Pamela's. Bobby looked alarmed as everything in the room seemed to tremble with the power pulsing through it. "Maybe we should stop."

"No, I've almost got it." She turned her face upwards and with a loud voice she shouted. "I command you, show me your face! Show me your face now!"

The flame from the candles in the center of the circle shot upward, and Pamela screamed out. She fell backwards in her chair, clawing at her eyes. Our hands dropped, and I fell to the ground next to her, taking her head in my lap. She was bouncing between screams and sobs. "I... I can't see."

Where her eyes used to be, were two burned out holes. She was completely blind.

"Call 911!"

_Castiel. What the fuck are you, and why did you bring me back? What could you possibly want with me?_


	14. You Deserve to be Saved

Dean

I gripped the steering wheel tightly, my knuckles white. Ava sat up front next to me, absentmindedly braiding her hair over and over again. Sam rapped his knee in the back seat.

The air in the Impala was quiet, and thick. I couldn't get the image of Pamela's eyes burnt out of her skull. This thing had to pay. I didn't care if it pulled me from Hell or not.

"I think we should summon this Castiel thing. Gank it for what it did to Pam." I hissed angrily.

"You want to summon it? You saw what it did when Pam got a glimpse of it... and you want to be face to face with it?" Sam asked, leaning forward.

"I deserve an explanation." I said, glancing at Sam in the rear view mirror. "Because if it thinks I owe it anything for pulling me from the pit, it's got another thing coming. I don't make deals with monsters."

_Not counting the one that got me in Hell in the first place._

Ava's phone vibrated in her pocket and she picked it up. "John, hey, is everything okay? Mmhm.. yeah he went to the hospital with Pamela. She's in the ICU. No we don't know what it was." She was chewing on her hair, and looking out the window. "Can you just meet us at the house? We are on our way home. Yeah okay. See you soon."

"What was that about?"

"Your Dads dropping Nel at the house."

I squeezed the steering wheel tighter. _I'm about to meet my daughter._ I wanted to throw up.

We pulled up to the house, and Dads car was already here. I hadn't seen him yet either. It was all too much, I wasn't sure if I was ready.

Sam opened up the door and got out of the car, stretching.

"Hey." Ava said, taking my hand. "What's wrong?"

I was frozen, my hands still on the steering wheel. "What if she doesn't like me?"

I glanced at her and her face melted.

"Sweetie, she's going to love you. You're her Dad."

I frowned. Every insecurity that I had pushed away was coming to the surface. "Am I though?" I never had to think about the kind of father I would be because I knew I would be dead. TI'd be in Hell, so why worry? "I haven't been here. She won't know my face. I haven't changed her diaper, or held her when she cried. I wasn't there when she was born..."

"Hey, stop." She took my face in her hands. "Dean Winchester, she will recognize your face because it is just like her own face. You may not have held her yet, but you talked to her every day that I was pregnant. She is your blood, and you're crazy if you don't think I told her about you. You will hold her when she cries, and I will let you change any diaper you want to. You're her father."

"But I don't know how to be her father. My only example wasn't exactly father of the year."

Ava smiled sadly at me. "You know how. Trust me. You love stronger than anyone else. Just love her. You and I will figure out the rest."

I stared at the smudged eyeliner under her eye, and her wet lips. The crystal blue of her eyes and the eyelash that was on her cheek. I wiped it away and nodded. "Okay."

I chose to believe her. I trusted her, and I knew she would never lie to me. Whatever happened in Hell was behind me, and I wouldn't let if affect the way I was with my daughter. I wouldn't let it change me.

I entered the house holding Ava's hand. Sam leaned against the wall and Dad was pacing. I couldn't find Nel by just scanning the room. My stomach dropped. "Where is she?"

"Son." Dad said, walking fast to me. He pulled me into his arms. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Dad, where is my daughter?"

"She's fine." Sam said. "We put her in her crib. I figured you'd want some alone time with her. She's waiting for you in there."

I looked to Ava, almost for approval.

"Go." She said gently.

"Come with me." I asked quietly. What if I didn't know what to do?

"Okay."

We walked back to the nursery, every step making me feel a million miles away, but yet too close for comfort.

I pushed open the door, and stood in the doorway. I was paralyzed again. All I could see was Alastair's face smiling at me.

"It's okay, Dean. You sit down. I will get her."

Ava lead me to the rocking chair and lowered me down.

She walked to the crib and reached down inside. "Hello beautiful girl."

I heard a small coo and I sat up a little straighter. That was her. That was my daughter.

Nothing could have prepared me for the sight of my wife holding my daughter. When I met Ava I didn't think I would ever love anyone like that, but everything melted away when I saw what she held in her arms.

"Dean Winchester, meet Eleanor. Nel, this is your Daddy."

Eleanor's hair matched my own, and her eyes were the perfect combination of blue and green. She wrinkled her nose and smiled a toothless smile. That was Ava's nose.

"Do you want to hold her?"

I nodded, unable to speak. Ava lowered her into my arms. She fit in the crook of my arm like it was exactly where she was supposed to be. She reached for my face, looking confused, and I noticed the little dimples on her knuckles. Her tiny fingernails were painted pink.

"I'll leave you two alone. Holler if you need me, okay?" Ava asked gently.

I nodded, unable to take my eyes off the child in my arms.

"Hi." I whispered nervously.

She smacked her lips in response. The corner of mine turned up in a smile.

"Normally I'm really good at talking to women." I said, trying to be smooth. "You are so beautiful. So much more than I could've dreamed."

I rocked her gently. Her hand wrapped around my finger. I hoped the callouses weren't too rough on her soft, perfect skin. She squeezed my finger with a strength I didn't know someone so small could have, and a wave of emotion rolled through me. "I will always protect you. As long as I'm alive I will always fight for you."

Looking at her, whatever emptiness I had was filled. All my cracks were mended. It didn't matter what happened in Hell, because she was alive. I would live a thousand lives down there if it would keep her breathing. She was a miracle. So was her mother.

"Did your Mom tell you how we met?"

She yawned and nuzzled her face into my chest.

"I was working a case, you see your Mom and Dad hunted monsters. We kept the world safe." I stroked the length of her forehead, watching her eyes roll around, fighting sleep. "And when I met your Mom she put me in my place. She was strong. She didn't take any crap. You'll be like that one day. A spitfire. Just like her."

I ran my finger down her nose and she sniffled and sneezed. _God she's so fucking cute I may actually die._ "Bless you, sweet girl."

I couldn't tear my eyes away. I didn't want to. "I don't think your Mom knows this, but I saw something with her that first time I met her. She was so beautiful and she didn't put up with me. I like that in a woman. Then when I found out she was Bobby's niece... then I wanted her even more. I knew she could handle my life, and she could handle me. I just didn't think I deserved her, and want to know a secret? I still don't think I do. I don't think I deserve any of this, but I am going to spend my life fighting to earn it. I'm going to spend my life fighting to earn you."

Ava

"He wants to summon it." I said with my arms crossed. "We can't let him, right?"

"When have we ever _let_ Dean do anything?" Sam asked, his arms crossed.

"You know what I mean! He has a baby, and I don't think she is going to like looking at a burnt up husk!"

"Fine. Then I'll do it." Sam said sharply.

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not. I'm not a father. I have nothing to lose."

I frowned at him. "No one is summoning it. We don't even know what it is. We are going to keep it that way. That's final."

"You're not the boss, Ava." Sam said, grabbing his jacket.

"Hey." I grabbed his shoulder. "You didn't want him to do it either. Do you just want to fight with me?"

John stared between us shaking his head. "He doesn't know, does he?"

We both turned and looked at him. "There's nothing to know." I said flatly.

"Mm."

"Don't try to change the subject. We aren't doing it."

"We are." Dean said, stepping into the hallway. He was holding Nel, she was sleeping in his arms. "Well, Sam, Dad, and I are. Not you. You'll stay home with Nel."

"The fuck I am." I said lowly. "We are in this together."

He shook his head. "Nel can't lose two parents, and this is my fight. This thing brought me back, and I need to know why."

I walked to him, wishing it was just us. "Look at her Dean... how can you put yourself at risk when you've seen her." I put my hand on her sleeping tummy.

"It's because of her that I have to do this. I promised I would protect her. As long as theirs monsters... it's up to me to take care of them. It's up to me to at least take care of this one. I can't risk it coming after me, coming after our family. Let me do this, Ave."

My heart aches as I looked at the wrinkles around his eyes. "You don't even know how to fight it."

"We have everything we could ever need. We will figure it out." He transferred Nel into my arms and reached down to kiss her forehead. "I will come back to you."

"You promise? You all promise?" I turned to look directly at Sam.

He shifted uncomfortably but nodded.

"Fine. I don't like it, but I should know better than try to talk a Winchester out of anything."

Dean

Dad, Sam, and I stood in an old air hanger outside of town. Sam stood over a book, staring intently, while Dad painted every warding we have ever heard of on the walls. I laid out our weapons.

"So you've been babysitting a lot?" I asked casually, glancing at my Dad.

He shrugged. "Is that such a wild concept?"

"Yeah, actually." I grunted.

"I did raise two kids."

 _Raised. Oh fucking please._ "What do you think of her?"

Dad stopped and looked at me. "She's amazing. When I look at her I see every place I went wrong and every place I want to get right. She's a miracle."

"I think so too." I lined up the weapons. "Alright. Everything we need to kill everything I've ever heard of."

"Got every protective marking that exists."

"And I have the ritual ready." Sam said, holding his book. "Let's do this."

It seemed pretty anti climactic. Sammy spoke some words low and we waited, sitting around kicking our feet. "You sure you did it right?"

"Of course I did." Sam snapped. "Sorry there isn't an exact science for..."

A large gust of wind came out of the quiet night and the roof began to shake.

I cleared my throat, suddenly wondering if this was a horrible idea. "Wishful thinking, but maybe it's just the wind."

We turned our gaze to the double doors in front of us as they shook. We grabbed our guns, loading them. The doors burst open and a man stood right in the middle. He was shorter than me, with brown tussled hair. He wore a trench coat over a dress shirt and tie. I raised an eyebrow at Sam.

The light bulbs above his head shattered in a shower of sparks as he walked below them, passing over every marking Dad had been painting. He walked closer and I nodded to the other two men with me, and we let our guns go. Bullets rained over him, into his chest, arms, neck. It didn't seem to phase him at all as he continued toward us.

"Shit." I whispered, dropping my gun. I grabbed for the demon blade out of the back of my pants, and when the man stood in front of me I drove the blade into his chest with extreme force.

The three of us stood, dumbfounded, as he reached up and pulled the blade out with ease. There was no sign it hurt him at all apart from the small amount of blood coming from the wound.

"Who are you?" I growled.

"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition." He said flatly. Blankly. He was void of emotion, his blue eyes blinking mindlessly.

"Yeah. Thanks for that." I frowned. I looked around, wondering how I was going to kill him.

Both Dad and Sam came at him, with other weapons I hadn't seen them grab. He easily knocked them out of the way, taking two fingers to each of their foreheads.

"Sammy!"

His eyes rolled up into his head and he fell to the floor unconscious, and Dad fell with him.

"We need to talk, Dean. Alone." The man said.

I fell to my knees and grabbed Sams head. He was breathing, and he seemed unharmed from what I could tell.

"They are alive."

I lowered Sam back to the ground and stood up, ready to confront the bastard. "Who are you?"

"Castiel."

"Yeah, I figured that much, I mean _what_ are you?"

Castiel blinked at me, tilting his head. "I'm an Angel of the Lord." He said, like I heard that all the time.

"That's fucking cute." I groaned. "Do I look stupid? There's no such thing."

"This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith."

Castiel looked at me, and a flash of light illuminated large, shadowy black wings that stretched along the back wall of the hanger. Huge, and magnificent.

"Some angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes." I wouldn't be able to forget her gripping for me. _I can't see..._

Castiel sighed. More from inconvenience than anything. "I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be... overwhelming to humans, and so can my real voice. But you already knew that."

"You mean the gas station... That was you talking?" I took a step toward jinx "Buddy, next time, lower the volume.

Castiel's eyes never left me. He obviously wasn't taught not to stare. "That was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong."

"And what visage are you in now, huh? What, holy tax accountant?" I asked, gesturing to his outfit. "Not exactly what I'd expect an angel to look like. No halo, no harp..."

"This? This is... a vessel."

I frowned. _Some fucking angel._ "You're possessing someone?"

"He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this."

"Yeah I'm sure he did." I shook my head. "Listen, that was a cute story, but I'm going to need you to try again. How about the truth this time?"

"I already told you."

"Right. Angel of the lord, and tell me, Castiel, why would an angel rescue me from Hell?"

Castiel stepped closer, apparently also not knowing personal space. He smiled for the first time as he said, "Good things do happen, Dean."

I turned away from him, looking at Sam passed out on the floor. "Not in my experience."

"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?"

_What're you a mind reader too?_

"Why'd you do it?"

"Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you."

He said it like it was that simple. As if it were easy. "Last time I checked, God didn't care about me."

Castiel smiled again and shook his head. "Oh Dean. How wrong you are. There is so much more going on than what you can see. Maybe if you open your eyes then you can truly see the light of the lord. I will see you again soon."

In a blink he was gone. Maybe he flew away, or maybe I imagined him, but either way something felt off about him. Maybe he was right. Maybe something more is going on. Something big.

————————

"An Angel?" Sam asked, crossing his arms. His jaw hung open. He looked genuinely surprised.

"That's what he said, but I don't buy it."

Sam, Bobby, Ava, and I sat around Bobby's living room. Pam was out of the ICU, but wasn't quite out of the woods yet. Books of angel lore were strewn across the room. I'd caught them up on everything as Ava bounced a fussy Nel.

"Why not? There's tons of lore about it." Sam said excitedly.

"Yeah, but no one we've ever known has seen one. Don't you think some hunter somewhere would've seen one?"

"One did, Dean. You did."

"Why are you so excited about this?"

"Because for once maybe we aren't fighting a monster! Maybe for once they're the good guys..."

"So what? I'm supposed to believe that there's a god out there?"

"I don't see why not." Ava shrugged, bouncing Eleanor.

"And what? He has a personal thing for me? I don't buy it. I'm not special. I'm just a guy."

"Oh please." Ava scoffed.

"I don't even like being singled out at birthday parties. Let alone being singled out by God..."

"Well, I think it's time to put on your party hat, Dean." Sam said seriously.

Ava said down and pulled out her breast to calm down Eleanor. She took it easily.

"Bobby, have you found anything else that could've pulled me out?"

"There's a book here that says angels can do it... but as far as I know there's nothing else. Maybe it's not such a crazy idea."

"What the hell could God want with me?" I frowned rubbing my face. "Fuck I need a drink."

"Me too." Sam agreed.

I walked to Ava and placed a kiss on her mouth. "Meet you at home later?"

"Sure." She agreed with a smile. "Love you."

"Love you back."

_Maybe if you open your eyes then you can truly see the light of the lord. I will see you again soon._

Castiel's voice echoed through my head as we walked to the car. I didn't know what scared me more, the idea that he was lying and was some other kind of monster, or if he was telling the truth. Because if he was telling the truth, and god called on me... how do I say no?


	15. The Witnesses

Sam

The news about angels had me flying high. We were never taught to be religious, but I couldn't deny the solace I found when I prayed. I always liked to think about a higher being. If there's a Hell I had to believe there was a Heaven, too. This news was earth shattering.

I took a swig from my beer, sitting across the high top from my brother. I missed him, and having a beer with him felt nice. Natural. Maybe things would fall back into the swing of things after all.

"Sammy I don't want to talk about angels or demons or anything other than how you've been. You've seemed a little in your head since I've been back."

"Sorry about that." I sighed. "It's just been kind of surreal."

"What have you been doing? Other than working. Do you have a girlfriend?"

He looked genuinely interested, and more than anything I wanted to talk to my big brother about Ava. I knew I couldn't. Not explicitly at least. "Not exactly."

"Not exactly? So there is someone! I knew it!"

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Tell me about her."

"There's not much to tell... it's over."

"Why?" Dean asked, taking a drink from his beer bottle.

"I don't think she feels the same way about me as I do her."

"And how is that?" Dean leaned forward eyeing me. "It's not just sex, is it? I can see it in your face. You're in love with her."

I shook my head. "No, but I was getting there." There was a knot in my stomach. "She was just... she had a way about her. The way she made me laugh, and called me on my shit. I couldn't help it. When I'm with her I'm happy."

"You deserve to be happy, Sam." Dean said with a nod. "It's all I've ever wanted for you."

"It's just too complicated."

"You should fight for her, Sam. If she's what you want."

I eyed him. "Ava really changed you. Before her you would've been trying to get me laid to forget all about my problems."

"I'm a romantic now. So sue me." He took another swig.

"I'm glad. It's nice to see you have hope. To believe in something."

I should know all about that. She changed me too.

"So what's her name? This mystery girl."

"Doesn't matter. It's never going to happen."

He groaned in annoyance. "Okay _Fine._ You can tell me when you're ready, but Sammy if she doesn't know how great you are then maybe she doesn't deserve you."

"She keeps saying that, too."

"But I don't deserve Ava, and she still takes me for what I am. That's love, man. Knowing you're flawed and they want you anyway. So maybe it's worth a shot." He shrugged. "Just sayin. I'll get us another round."

Ava

It had been five days since Dean had been back. We were getting into the swing of things, and other than the fact that I've avoided being alone with Sam, everything was surprisingly normal.

I'd called in the rest of the week to work, but it was Monday and I was back.

Dean eagerly agreed to watch Nel. " _I have nothing else going on. While we try to figure out what our life is, I will stay home with her."_

"Back from the dead." Lacey said, waltzing up to my desk.

I wore tight black jeans and my black ankle boots, with a cream tank top under my leather jacket. "That's me." I said weakly.

"Was Sam totally freaked out about the shooting?"

The shooting. Shit I forgot. It felt like a lifetime ago. "No, actually, I didn't tell him."

Lacey sat on the edge of my desk. "And he didn't question your big bruise? I thought you two were in the can't-keep-your-Hands-to-yourself phase of the relationship?"

I rubbed my head and looked at her. "I actually have had a lot happen this weekend."

Lacey raised her eyebrows. "I think we need coffee."

"If not something stronger." I agreed.

We offered to pick up coffee for the station and made our way to the coffee shop. Thankfully Sioux Falls didn't have a lot of high crime, so it was a pretty slow Monday.

I ordered the biggest iced coffee they had and suckled the straw eagerly the moment I sat in the cushioned chair near the window.

"Okay, Winchester. Spill." Lacey said, sitting across from me.

She looked like she had sex hair, but I could tell that it was purposeful by the product smell coming from her. Lacey was trendy, and had an allure about her that I wished I had.

"You remember me telling you about Dean?"

"Tragically handsome husband killed in the war. Yeah, what about him?"

"Turns out he wasn't killed. He showed up at the house after work on Thursday."

Lacey started to cough, choking on her coffee. "What?!"

"That was kind of my reaction."

"How are you not flipping out?" She said once she stopped gasping for air.

"I called into work Friday. I _was_ flipping out."

"Where was he? Was he a prisoner of war? How did he get back?" She was running a mile a minute, her eyes crazed as she tried to grasp the insanity that is my life.

"I haven't really asked.. it's all just been so fast. He finally got to meet Nel... And I don't know, we are taking one thing at a time."

"This is good, though! He is the one, right?" She gasped, and covered her mouth. "Oh my god, Sam."

"Bingo." I whispered into my straw. I caught myself chewing on it with a groan.

She leaned forward. "What're you going to do?"

I'd never had a girlfriend before. No one invested in me, and no one that I cared to share with. Lacey was my partner. She was kind and full of sass. I liked her. I wanted, then, to spill everything to her. I wanted to cry and drink wine and let myself crack open and bleed. "I don't know."

"How do you feel?"

"Confused." I sighed. "I love Dean. He is my soul mate. My husband. The father of my child."

"And then there's tall dark and handsome."

"Sam just... he snuck up on me. Ya know?"

"I do." Lacey said knowingly. "I've seen the way he looks at you. He loves ya, kid."

"I know he does." I sighed. "And that makes everything so much more complicated."

"Maybe we should make a pro con list."

I laughed out loud, not trying to come off wrong. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. Which sexy brother will Ava end up with. Pro to both is that they're devilishly handsome."

I smiled widely. "Con for both, they're brothers."

"I have an idea." Lacey said, sitting up straighter.

"What?"

"Polygamy, sister. Just have them both."

Now I was the one choking on coffee. "Oh my god _no!_ "

"Prude." She scoffed. "Fine, back to the drawing board."

————————-

We were out on patrols. Lacey was driving, still trying to get me to make a list of pros and cons. So far it evened out like this

_Sam_

_Pro- he is very tall, good with babies, abs, he makes me laugh, he can watch endless episodes of How I Met Your Mother without so much as a pee break (maybe he is a superhuman?)_

_Con- the long hair, he's a younger man, he likes podcasts, he is Dean's brother so if I pick him it'll be awkward._

_Dean_

_Pro- also is tall (but not as tall), Nel's Dad, also has abs, first person I loved, gives me butterflies._

_Con- he may have scars from war (mental), I finally moved on from him, he likes cowboys and while it's charming no one should own a bolo tie, let alone multiple._

These were her lists, not mine. My feet were on the dash in the squad car as I looked at the page. "They're pretty even, but I still don't think any of these are valid reasons to be with either of them."

"That's because we haven't even began to talk about the sex." Lacey said, glancing at me from under her sunglasses.

"Yeah, that's not happening."

"Come on, Ava, I'm dying to hear about it! Let me live vicariously through you."

"Not a chance." I laughed.

My phone rang, and I grabbed it out of my pocket. "Detective Winchester."

"I like the way that sounds." Dean said through the phone.

I grinned widely. "How'd you get my work number?"

"From Sammy. I thought it'd be easier to get ahold of you this way."

"Is everything okay?"

"Well, actually, not really. I just talked to Dad and apparently a lot of hunters are showin up dead. Like real bad, ripped apart, dead."

"Which one?" Lacey mouthed to me.

"Do they have any other connections?"

"No, but Ava, I'm worried. What's stopping whatever this is from coming after us? When can you get home?"

"Shit!" Lacey said, slamming on her breaks. My phone flew out of my hand, bouncing onto the dashboard, my knees slamming into my chest.

"Ow." I groaned. "The fuck, Lace?"

I moved my legs down, to see why she stopped, and my blood ran cold. In the middle of the road stood Pastor Miles, the young man from my first case with Sam and Dean. His clothes were ripped, with large gashes on his skin. He had dark circles under his eyes. I recognized the gashes, I'd saw them on Dean.

Dean had told me, months later, that we didn't save him. I'd made peace with that, trying my best to save everyone we came into contact with after that. I knew he was dead, but yet there he was, standing in front of the squad car.

"Ava!" I could hear Dean screaming on the line, as the Pastor came closer he was frowning, deep wrinkles on his forehead as his eyebrows came together. He looked so much older than early twenties. His eyes were almost glowing red from the anger that was pulsing off of him.

"Dean! If you can hear me, I think we have a problem!" I looked to Lacey. "If you trust me then drive. NOW!"

Lacey put the car in gear without questioning it and sped away.

"Go to my house!" I instructed.

"You owe me an explanation, Winchester." She hissed as she turned down the road toward my place.

_What the hell is going on?_

We pulled up to the house, and I jumped out of the car. My legs and chest were aching from the immediate stop. I groaned and jogged up to the house, pushing through the front door. "Hey." I said, panting.

"You're okay, thank god." Dean said, pulling me into his arms. _I'm adding, gives good hugs to the pro column._ "I heard all the screaming, and then the line went dead."

"I saw Pastor Miles." I said looking up at him.

"Shit."

The front door swung open again and Sam stood, his eyes wide in alarm. "Guys, we have a problem."

"No kidding." I said, still breathing heavily.

"I just saw Jess, but she wasn't Jess."

We looked between us. _What the fuck?_ "Have a seat, I'll get us some coffee and we will figure this out."

"Make mine Irish." Dean said with a grunt.

"By the way, uh, Dean this is Lacey." I said, almost forgetting she was there. "She is my partner at the precinct."

"I'm the husband." He said, saluting her.

Laceys hand went to her chest in a very Victorian way. "Nice to meet you."

"Hey Lace can you meet me in the kitchen?"

"Sure." She shrugged, walking into the kitchen.

"You brought her here?" Sam hissed.

"She was in the car when we almost hit Pastor Miles!"

"What the fuck?" Sam asked, low.

"Yeah so I didn't really have time to think, I came straight here. Should I ask her to go? He definitely saw her, and he didn't exactly look happy, Sam."

Dean looked to Sam and shrugged. "Ave, do you trust her?"

I glanced at the door to the kitchen. "I haven't known her long, but yeah, I do."

"Then catch her up."

"Okay."

I went into the kitchen, avoiding Sams stares, and started the coffee maker.

"So first of all, you downplayed how hot he is. He looks like a model. Like the kind that works on cars in the magazine pictures. All sweaty and greasy, but somehow still perfect."

I laughed and shook my head. She really hit the nail on the head. "Yeah, he is, isn't he?"

"Um, _yeah_!"

I poured her a cup of coffee.

"Seriously, though, what was all of that?" She asked as she blew the steam off her cup.

"You may want to sit down."

She raised her eyebrows, but didn't move. "Go on."

"Okay, this is going to sound crazy." I said with a sigh. "But Sam, Dean, and I... we hunt things. Monsters, ghosts, demons. They're real. That man in the road... he is a man I tried to save over a year ago. He died."

Lacey looked down at her cup of coffee. "Are you fucking with me?"

"No." I stared at her waiting for her to laugh, or to run.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "That's it?"

Lacey shrugged. "Yup. I believe you. Maybe you're crazy, but I figure if you aren't... then you can keep me from getting killed. One step at a time." She grinned. "Plus, you still need my help figuring out which Winchester you're going to be with."

I reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. "Thank you. Thank you for believing me."

Lacey shrugged and picked up her cup. "It's no thing. Come on the handsome twins are waiting for us."

I poured two more cups of coffee, and added a shot of Jameson to Dean's before going back into the living room.

"So what do we think we are dealing with here?" I asked them, noticing Bobby had joined the group.

He was holding open a book, and looking intently at us. "It's the rise of the witnesses."

"Which means?"

Dean looked at me solemnly. "It means that we are epically screwed."


	16. Give Me These Moments Back

Dean

"It's here." Bobby said, opening the book. "All the apparitions I've seen have had this mark. Did your pastor, Ava?" Bobby pointed to the mark in the book.

"Yeah, Actually. On his forearm. I saw it when he reached for me." She said, leaning over Bobby's shoulder to see the mark.

"It's the mark of the witness."

"Witness to what?" She asked, raising her eyebrow.

"The unnatural. They all died in unnatural ways... but they didn't choose to rise. Someone made them. Whenever did this had big plans. It's called the rising of the witnesses. It's to fulfill a prophecy."

"What book did you read this in?" I asked, eyeing him.

A smirk came to Bobby's lips. "Revelations."

"As in the Bible?" Lacey asked, sitting down her coffee.

"That's what I said." He showed the book. "According to this... this isn't good. It's a sign."

"A sign for what?" Sam asked.

"The apocalypse." Bobby replies.

We all looked between each other.

"I thought that ended with Yellow eyes?" I asked.

Bobby shrugged. "I don't have all the answers, Son. All I know is that this is one of the first signs of the biblical apocalypse."

"Like, What? Four horses? Plagues? Judgment day?" Ava asked, her eyebrows coming together.

"Yup." Bobby said, curtly. "The whole nine."

"This is why I don't believe in god. If there's no god, well then bad shit happens to good people and that sucks. But if there is one then what the fuck is he doing? Why do good people get torn apart?" I wanted to hit something, burn something down, curse the sky.

"Well it looks like someone cast the spell to raise them. They picked people that hunters couldn't save, to keep us busy. Fuck." Bobby shook his head.

"What? Damn it! So what do we do?"

Bobby rubbed his face. He looked tired. "There's a spell in here to send them back, and I've got all the stuff at my house. So I guess we have to send them back where they came from."

"Great." I groaned. "So we are going to have to leave the warded house and drive to your house."

"It'll be fine." Ava said, reaching for my hand.

I immediately felt better when her fingers were in mine. "Go ahead and gather up some weapons, I'll meet you at the car." I said nodding to Bobby and Sam. I turned to Ava. "You have to stay here." I whispered low.

"What? The fuck I do." She tried to pull her hand away from mine, but I held stronger.

"Someone has to stay here to protect Nel. You're safe. Nothing should be able to get in, we have this place locked down."

She bit her lip, and looked down. "I don't like it. I just got you back, Dean."

"I know, baby." I whispered, pulling her close. "But we have a solution, and I'll be damned if I add your face to the ones I wasn't able to save."

I held her face in my hands and stared into her blue eyes, worried that she would try to argue, but instead she just kissed me with everything she had. I felt a shock roll down my body as I pulled her closer. "I love you." I told her.

She opened her eyes and kissed me once more. "I'll love you forever. Come back to me, Dean Winchester, or I'll pull you back by your hair, and I promise you won't like that."

I winked at her. "I promise you that I will."

———————————-

Sam and I got in the car. Bobby had already headed to his place to start the spell. "Let's stop the goddamn apocalypse, again." I groaned trying to force a smile, but i was getting too old for this shit.

"They should really name a bench after us."

"At least." I put Baby in gear and started to drive. Bobby's wasn't far, and so I hoped we would be good to go without anymore visitors, but as per usual I was really fucking wrong.

"Hello, Winchesters." A familiar voice said from the backseat.

I glanced in the rear view mirror to see Ruby. She had her classic long blonde hair, but she wasn't smirking. She didn't look snarky, she just looked disappointed and a little mad. "Ruby." I growled.

Sam looked genuinely surprised as he turned behind him.

"Wrong." She whistled. "Ruby was the demon possessing me, but I guess you two never really thought about the girl whose skin she was wearing. Isn't that right, Sam?" Her eyes locked with Sams and he shifted uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry."

"That isn't good enough! You let her ride me. You let her use me. She wore my face. Do you know what that's like, Sam? Do you You know what it's like to watch yourself do horrible things and not be able to speak or move? I was screaming inside of my head and it didn't make a lick of difference."

"Sam, use the salt." I said between gritted teeth. I knew what she was doing, and fuck was it working. I felt like the piece of shit she knew I was.

"You both killed me, and even worse than that, is that you waited to kill me until after you let that demon violate me for months." She hissed, scooting closer and closer to Sam. He winced before taking the salt container and splashing it in her face, sending her away.

"Damn I'm going to have to vacuum the back seat now." I grumbled.

Sam sat, staring at the space her spirit used to posses with a tight jaw.

"Sam, there's no sense in dwelling on the past."

"I didn't even think about the woman she was possessing. How fucked up is that?"

"A lot that we deal with is fucked up, but hey man, if God thinks I'm worth saving then I promise you are. You're forgiven, deal with it."

Sam looked at me like I was full of shit, probably because I was.

"You don't even believe in God, Dean."

I shrugged. "So? You do. That's all that matters."

I pulled up to Bobby's place , and we got out of the car, guns loaded with salt rounds.

"Bobby?" I called, pushing through the front door.

"In the library!" He called out.

I took a step and the front door blew shut, Sam and I turned and we were face to face with Jess, Sam's dead fiancé. If this is what Sam's greatest hits brought him, then I was dreading seeing my own.

"Jess." Sam said, his voice shaking with pain.

"I wish I'd never talked to you in art history." She hissed.

I only had met Jess the once. She was a pretty blonde. She seemed strong, and way out of Sammy's league. She kissed him like Ava kissed me, she loved him.

"Sammy this isn't real."

She appeared in front of him and touched his cheek, slicing it open with her fingernail. "You killed me. I fucking burned because of you. You're worthless."

"Yeah, I'm done with this." I said, shooting a round of rock salt into her stomach, sending her away. "Come on, Sammy. Let's shut the door on the past, shall we?"

He nodded, glumly, not even bothering to wipe the blood off his cheek.

When we got to the library, Bobby was working a spell and simultaneously fighting off a pair of ghostly twins, like the badass he is.

Sam and I brought up our shotguns and unloaded in the little girls, sending them away. "You looked like you could use a hand." I grinned.

"You boys have impeccable timing." He was holding his iron poker in one hand and a bowl of herbs in the other. "Shit." He said as one of the little girls appeared behind him, shoving her ghostly hand into his back.

"Sammy, the book!" I shouted, as I dove for the bowl.

Sam grabbed the book and with one glance he met my eyes. "Throw it into the fire!"

I nodded, and tossed the bowl into the flames. They shot up bright neon blue and Bobby fell to his knees holding his chest. The three of us were alone again. He eyed me. "Like I said. Impeccable timing." He grumbled.

"I think the word you're looking for is thank you." I said, standing up.

"Idgits." He said, shaking his head. "What? Is no one going to help me up, or are you two just going to stare?"

Sam snapped out of his trance like state to lean down and give Bobby a hand.

"So, what? Did we stop the apocalypse?" I asked with false hope.

"Not quite." A voice said behind me. I groaned internally because I recognized it immediately. I turned behind me to see Castiel, still wearing the same dumb trench coat.

"Nice of you to join us." I grumbled.

"Good job with the witnesses."

"Yeah, about that. Where were you? We could've used some angelic assistance. There are a lot of dead hunters. They were good men and women, they didn't deserve this."

"I had other concerns." Castiel said. He almost sounded bored, and it honestly pissed me off.

"I thought you were supposed to be guardians! You know, halos and harps?"

"You haven't read the Bible, have you? We are soldiers, and you aren't the only one who has experienced loss, Dean. Six of my brothers died in battle today." Castiel walked toward me.

Bobby and Sam were shockingly quiet, but maybe it was knowing what he was that kept their traps shut for once.

"You could've at least given us a heads up, ya dick!"

"I pulled you from Hell, and I can put you right back! So you should show me some respect!" He raised his voice, his jaw tight. "I have other priorities. I am not here to perch on your shoulder."

"That's pretty obvious." I said, clasping my fists at my side.

"Lilith is breaking seals, rapidly. We had more than just this one to take care of."

"Seals?" Sam perked up from behind me.

"The sixty-six seals." Castiel said as if we should know what that means. "Think of them as locks. Lilith is trying to unlock them all. The rise of the witnesses were one."

"But we put them back." I said weakly.

"Yes, but they still rose. We will not win every seal. We lost this one. No sense in dwelling."

"And what happens if they're all broken?" Bobby asked.

Castiel stepped closer to me with a look that bore into my soul. "If all sixty-six seals are broken, then Lucifer will walk the earth."

Ava

I watched Dean drive away through the window.

"I can see your dilemma." Lacey said quietly. "He is dreamy."

"He is." I agreed, touching my lips from where he kissed me. I wanted to be with him. There wasn't anything else.

"You don't seem like the kind to stay behind."

"I'm not. Well I wasn't, until I had Nel." I sighed. "There was no time to argue."

"Did you two plan for her?"

"No." I laughed dryly. "There's no way I could've convinced Dean Winchester to have a baby with me."

"He's obviously in love with you, though."

"Yeah." I smiled. "He is. I know he is. But this life is dangerous. He never thought he could have love, let alone a family."

"You sound like you need a glass of wine."

"Try a bottle." I smiled at her.

"Got any in the kitchen?"

I nodded. "Yeah there's a wine rack on the end of the island."

"I'll pour us some." She said with a smile before she went into the kitchen.

I sighed, happy that Nel was napping good in the back room.

I turned to go into the kitchen and was face to face with the pastor. "Hello detective."

He shouldn't have been able to get into the house, but there he was. I opened my mouth to speak when his first collided with my jaw. I fell backwards, holding it. "Well that wasn't nice."

He lifted his foot quickly, and it connected with my stomach. I fell onto my back, the air getting knocked out of me. When I finally was able to take another deep breath my eyes fluttered open and I looked into the eyes of Megan, the witch that Dean had to kill. She was the case that tore us apart.

"Wish I could say it was nice to see you again, but..." she kicked my face, her shoe colliding with my teeth and nose. I could feel blood gushing from my mouth, and nose. My vision was growing black at the edges as they both wailed on me.

"Hey, sorry it took me forever to get the cork out. I guess I'm not as classy as you are. I only use screw tops."

I heard the bottle fall, crashing to the ground in an explosion of glass and wine.

"Lacey..." I gasped. "Get the fire poker... iron... salt..." I was struggling to keep conscious, but Lacey was a good cop. I had to believe that she would be okay. That she could tell Dean I loved him.

The blows stopped and Lacey leaned over me. "I hit them with the iron. What now?"

"Get Nel and run." I gasped.

"Don't be stupid." She whispered.

I could barely see them flicker back in my field of vision. "Behind you." I whispered as they both held knives above Lacey's head.

Just as they were about to lower them they burst into flames, turning to dust in front of us.

"Okay, Okay." Lacey said, pulling me into a hug. "Yeah I definitely believe you."

Sam came through the door thirty minutes later. Lacey was working on cleaning my wounds, and had just went to the bathroom to get more ointment when he unlocked the front door.

"What happened?" He gasped, running to me. He pulled me into his arms. "Hey." He whispered, his lips to my hair. "Hey you're okay. They're gone."

Something about the way his arms were wrapped around me protectively, like they had been for months, made me lose it. I gripped his shirt and I sobbed.

Everything I lost came crashing down on me. The people I couldn't save. The part of me that I'd lost forever when I was raped, and again when Dean died. The girl I was building myself up to be. I cried, and it shook my body, my bruised or possibly broken ribs sending stabbing pains through me.

"Shh." He whispered, kissing my hair. "I'm here."

I pulled back from him to look into his eyes. "I've lost so much." I whispered. This was the cry I never allowed myself to have. I let myself crack open and all I could hope is that I'd be able to put myself back together.

He held my face and looked at me like he had many times before. His eyes were shinning and his mouth was open slightly. He was breathing hard, and just as I thought he was about to kiss me I heard the door slam.

"What the hell is going on here?"

Sam turned, his hands still on my cheek as he made eye contact with his brother.

"Ava are you okay?" He glanced at me, and all I could do is nod. He rubbed his face and shook his head. "I should've known. I saw your room. Both sides of the bed had been slept on... when she breast fed you didn't bat an eye... the girl you were seeing... it was Ava wasn't it?"

Sam stood up quickly to diffuse the situation.

"Don't deny it, Sam." Dean said before Sam could get a word in.

"We... it was complicated."

Dean closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath before he pulled his arm back, sending his fist to connect with Sams jaw.

Sam fell backwards and I stood up, gripping my side. "Dean stop!"

"I asked you to protect her! To watch out for her, and you fucked her!"

"It wasn't like that!" I cried out. I noticed Sam wasn't fighting, he just stood back up and let Dean hit him again. "We were a mess."

"I don't want to hear it." Dean snapped. I caught a glimpse of his green eyes, and I was surprised. They were wet, and dull. He wasn't angry. He was in agony. His hands were shaking, and his knuckles bleeding. We looked like a hell of a fucking group.

"I need some space." Dean said shaking his head. He grabbed his keys, and pushed through the door.

I took a few steps after him. "Dean wait!" But Laceys hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"Hey, Ave, let him have some space." She said gently. "Give him some space to process."

I heard the Impala roar to life and skid away. He left, and again it was all my fucking fault.


	17. Anna

Ava

"I've got the bag!" Lacey said from the nursery.

"Great, I've pumped and prepped the bottles."

"Perfect. I'll drop her off." Lacey said, taking Nel from my arms. She leaned in and kissed my cheek before freezing. "Okay we are getting way too comfortable with this."

I hadn't seen Dean for a week and a half, and I'd been avoiding Sam like the plague. My wounds were mostly healed, my bruises were yellow and my fractured rib was mostly a constantly dull ache instead of an intense stabbing pain. Progress right? Lacey had stayed over every night to help me with Nel.

John or Bobby would occasionally pick her up and take her to Dean. I didn't know where he was staying, and I wasn't sure I had the right to ask.

"Yeah, I guess we are."

Lacey put her hand on my shoulder. "Listen, Ave. I'm your friend so I'm gonna bring out the hard truth, the big guns, you've gotta talk to him. You've gotta stop hiding out."

I groaned. "You're the one who said to give him space!"

"Yeah, I did, and you have. From what you've said since he left... well you know what you want. Now it's time to go see what he wants. If the apocalypse is really coming then we all may not have as much time as we think we do, so why waste it? Ya know?"

"What if he doesn't want me?"

"Ava, I know we don't know each other that well, but you don't seem like the kind that gets insecure."

I shrugged. "I guess the whole husband and boyfriend thing has me in a weird place."

"What about Sam? You haven't mentioned him since the incident."

"I don't know what to say." I shrugged. "I've never known what to say."

"Well you better figure it out." Lacey smiled wishfully. "Before it's too late."

Dean

I woke up to the light coming into my motel room. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, my hangover aching behind my forehead. I knew that I should be being productive, or doing anything, but when Eleanor wasn't with me I didn't see the point in doing anything. My time in Hell was haunting me when I wasn't sleeping next to Ava, and I couldn't figure out how to look at her or Sam right now, so I didn't bother calling. I needed to work out my shit.

My phone rang, and the second I thought my head couldn't hurt more I was proven wrong.

"Ugh." I groaned, grabbing for it without checking the caller ID. Amateur move.

"What do you want?"

"Dean, you finally picked up. I didn't think you would."

Sammy. I groaned again. He had called on the hour every day, and I'd be avoiding his calls. I didn't feel like talking.

"Don't hang up." He said desperately. "There's been development... listen. I know you don't want to see me, but I found a possible apocalypse lead."

I squinted my eyes. Classic Sam, trying to weasel his way back into my life with a case. I snorted. "Give me the details and I'll check it out."

"No way. We are going together."

"Sam, come on, don't make me kick your ass again." I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Do what you have to do. I'm coming by your motel."

I sat up slowly. "My motel?"

"Used find my phone."

I couldn't help but smile, the kid learns. "Fine, but I'm not making any promises."

"Deal." _Click._

I got up, and got dressed. I made myself some coffee and opted for some pain medicine. While my coffee brewed, I shoved my head under the sink and drank water right from the faucet. If felt nice rolling down my throat.

By the time Sam arrived my headache was almost gone, and I was in a less murderous mood.

"Hey." He said, a little out of breath as I opened the motel door.

I grunted in response, not feeling particularly civil.

His jaw looked healed from when I hit him. That was good. I didn't feel like having to deal with the guilt that came from hurting my little brother, no matter how much he deserved it. I sat down at the small table and sipped my now-cold coffee. "So what is this intel?"

"I uh... I heard about this girl, Anna. Apparently the demons really want her. She just broke out of a locked mental ward at a hospital."

"How do you know the demons want her?" I eyed him.

"You're going to be mad."

"I'm already mad, Sam."

He winced and cleared his throat. "Ruby told me."

"Oh great. So I'm gone for a few months, you get with my girl, and are buddy buddy with demons. Excellent." I pushed my coffee away. It suddenly tasted sour.

"She sought me out. She thought we should know."

"Sure she did. And you just trust her?"

"I don't know, man. We have checked things out for less."

He had a point, but I was still pissed. I was pissed about everything, if I was being honest. "Fine, but this is strictly business." I said standing. "No brother bonding, because I don't trust you right now."

Sams jaw was tight as he nodded, probably willing to take whatever he could get.

We packed up the car and I checked out of the motel room. She was only a five hour drive away and it was still early, so we would make it to the hospital with plenty of time.

I cranked up the music as I pulled Baby out of the parking lot. I hoped this would keep Sam from using the close quarters and miles of road in front of us to his advantage.

After an hour of awkward silence Sam finally had enough. He reached forward and turned down the volume. Right as I expected him to confront me he took out his phone and dialed. "Yup this is Detective Hanscum. Sure, badge number eight six bravo lima two seven zero. Uh huh. Looking for an Anna Milton. Can I get the missing persons report? Yup. Thanks." He turned off the phone. "So she's real." He glanced at me.

"We still don't know that she's important."

"We don't know she's not."

I gripped the steering wheel and clicked on the windshield wipers. It was starting to rain.

"Do you... can we talk?"

"Nope. Business only. I'm not ready to hear the excuses."

Sam turned his whole body to look at me. "Then what? I'm not with her. You gonna hate me forever?" He sounded like a little kid. Like when I found him wearing my favorite leather coat eating a popsicle.

"I don't hate you, Sammy, but I'm not exactly thrilled with you right now."

I sounded like a dad. Not my dad, but someone's. Someone who has a more well adjusted family.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"Have you talked to her?"

I gripped the steering wheel harder. "Man you just don't listen, do you? We aren't doing this right now. Apocalypse first. Chick drama second." I said, trying to come off disinterested. As if anything with Ava could just be _chick drama._

"Yeah." He sucked in his breath. "You're probably right."

"See if you got the missing persons report." I said with a sigh. "Let's get all the information we can so we aren't walking in blind."

"You got it."

——————————-  

"So the orderly doesn't remember the attack?" Sam asked, holding his pen to pad.

We were in Anna's room. It was stale, and looked like any other mental ward. There was a bed, and a desk. Windows with bars. I always felt itchy in places like this. If I ever told anyone the truth about my life I knew I'd be committed myself, and it never sounded like something I'd be into.

"Apparently she knocked him unconscious. The blow caused some amnesia. He doesn't even remember coming into the room." The psychologist said as she clicked her own pen.

"Hell of a hit against someone who has eighty pounds on her." I eyed the doctor.

"We think she was planning it. Maybe hid behind the door."

"Anna's illness was recent, right?" Sam asked.

"Yes. A few months ago she was happy, well adjusted, journalism major, bright future."

"And what happened?" I took a step closer. "She just flipped?"

"That's the tragedy of schizophrenia. Within weeks she was overcome with delusions."

"What kind of delusions?" Sam asked, his eyebrows coming together.

"She saw demons everywhere." The doctor said, handing Sam her sketch book.

"Interesting." I said with a cough. Sam handed me the notebook and I flipped through. A few pages in distinct, thick black lines scribbled _the rise of the witnesses._ Sam and I exchanged a look. I wasn't sure if I was happier being wrong about Ruby's lead, because now more than ever this all felt way too real. "Revelations."

"A lot of our patients delusions have religious undertones. Anna's father was a church deacon, so when her delusions got worse she believed the devil was going to rise. I hope you can find her, detective. It's dangerous for her to be out there alone." The doctor said shaking our hands. "I have patients."

"Of course." Sam said with a million dollar smile. "I think we have everything we need."

We made our way to the car before we spoke again. "Well I hate to say it, but I think Anna is connected."

"Yeah, ya think?"

I rolled my eyes in response. "I say we check out her parents house. Maybe she went there when she escaped."

"Worth a shot." Sam agreed as we got in the car.

The Milton's lived close, not even the length of two Bon Jovi songs on the radio. We got out and knocked on the glass in the door.

"Maybe they're not home." I said after a moment of silence.

"Both cars are in the driveway." Sam said casually.

I tried the front door and it opened easily. "Mr and Mrs Milton? We are from the sheriffs department. We want to ask you a few questions..."

Sam grabbed my arm and turned me to look into the living room. Both of her parents were dead on the floor, throats slashed.

I bent down and touched a substance on the floor. "Sulfur." I said with a sigh.

"Demons beat us here. Whoever this Anna girl is the demons want her bad."

"And they're not playin around." I agreed. "We have to find this girl. So I'm girl interrupted, and I know the score of the apocalypse. Where do I go?"

Sam stared at a photo of a cute red head inside of a church. Must be Anna. "Hey let me see those sketches again."

I handed him the pages and he examined them. "It's the window from her church. Over and over again. She's religious and scared. I bet that's where she went."

The church was a tall gray building with a large kaleidoscope style window above the main door. The exact one Anna was drawing.

We walked in with our guns drawn. Maybe it's sacrilegious to walk into a church with a loaded gun, but hey I don't believe in god anyway, so what did I have to lose?

"Anna... we are here to help you. My name is Sam... this is my brother Dean."

Behind stained glass a flash of red poked out, along with two glowing green eyes. "Sam? Not Sam Winchester?"

"Yeah actually."

"And you're Dean? The Dean?"

"Well, yeah. The Dean I guess." I raised my eyebrows.

She was young. Maybe twenty two with deep red hair. She was thin, her face angular in a way that you see in makeup models. She looked exhausted, with half moons under her eyes, but in her iris something was on fire. "They talk about you all the time! You were in Hell, but Castiel pulled you out. Some of them think that you can help save us. Some of them don't like you at all. They talk about you all the time lately, I feel like I know you."

My stomach clenched. "You talk to angels?"

"Oh, no. No way! I just kind of overhear them. They talk and I just hear them in my head."

"Like now?"

"No, not now, but a lot. I can't tune them out there are so many of them..." Anna said, her voice shaking. She wanted desperately to be believed. She was in luck.

"They looked you up with a case of the crazies, but you're really just tuned into angel radio?" I asked curiously.

"Yes... thank you." She reached out and took my hand. "The first words I heard, clear as a bell. Dean Winchester is saved."

"What do you think?" I asked Sam.

He shrugged. "No idea."

I squeezed her hand and she smiled. "At least we know why the demons want you. If they get you they'll know what the angels are up to. You're 1-800-ANGEL."

The door opened, and Anna started to scream. "Her face! She's a demon!"

I turned and was face to face with a brunette. "Ruby." Sam said with a frown.

"You've got the girl, good. We have to go."

"Ruby? Are you fucking joking?"

"Dean we can fight later!" Ruby said angrily. "There's a demon on our tail. He followed you from her parents house. We need to get her out now."

"How do I know you didn't lead him here?" I growled.

She sighed and shook her head. "It's too late, he's already here."

The door swung open again, and a man stood in plaid blazer and khaki pants.

I grabbed Anna and told her to hide. Her fingers left mine and she ran back behind the stained glass again.

Sam stood in front of me and held his hand out, palm flat. He focused, and the demon walked toward us. His eyes flickered white and he coughed a few times. "Oh, Sam. You don't have enough juice." He flicked his hand, sending Sam flying through the guard rail, and down the stairs.

"Sam!" I shouted, coming at the demon. He immediately grabbed me, sending his fist into my jaw.

"Hello, Dean. Long time no see." The demon said angrily.

My eyes met his and without seeing his face I knew exactly who he was. I knew it in my bones. His voice haunted my nightmares. "Alastair."

"I knew you missed me." He hissed, hitting me again and again.

I was able to get my hands between us, and I shoved him away, Sam catching him, putting a knife in his chest. He flickered a bit, electricity pulsing around the wound. "Oh Sam you'll have to do better than that!" He reached for the knife, trying to pry it out of his skin.

Sam and I looked around, Anna and Ruby were gone. I grabbed ahold of him and we ran with everything we had toward the stained glass window, busting through it.

Glass ripped our skin and clothes, but nothing compared to the horrible crack I felt when my body hit the concrete at the bottom of the long drop.

We cleaned up our wounds, and met back up with Ruby and Anna at an old barn outside of town. We borrowed a car so we wouldn't be followed, at least that was the idea.

"Hey are you okay?" I asked when I saw her.

She ran to me, wrapping her arms around me. "I am... thank you." She gasped.

"Don't thank me. Not sure we are out of the woods yet." I said, stroking the length of her hair. She was freaked out, to say the least.

"Can I call my parents? I'm sure they're worried sick."

I pulled out of the hug and looked at her. _Damn I hate this part._ "Anna... I'm sorry. The demons got to them before we could."

She burst into tears and I held her again. I let her cry. Let it all out. She finally pulled away, wiping her eyes. "What's happening Dean?"

"I'm sorry kid. I just don't know, but I'll figure it out." I promised.

She pushed her hair behind her ears. "I need a second." She let go of me and walked into the other room to process what I'd told her. To process her grief.

"So what now?" I asked Sam.

"I don't know." He sighed.

Ruby stood up suddenly. "We're you followed?"

"No." Sam said quickly.

"Well we have company." Ruby said stressed. "We've got to go. Where's the knife?"

Sam scratched his head. "I sort of lost it. It was stuck in that demons chest."

"Seriously?!" Ruby shouted grabbing a shot gun off the table. "Well we are fucked so I hope you two are happy."

The door blew open, and Castiel stepped into the doorway next to another man.

"Here for some divine intervention? We could use the help." I said with a sigh of relief.

"We are here for Anna." Castiel said.

"Like... here for her here for her?" I asked slowly, questioning his meaning.

"Are you going to help her?" Sam asked.

"No." The second man said.

Castiel met my eyes. "She has to die."

"You want Anna? Why?" Sam asked alarmed.

"We want her out of the way." The other angel said flippantly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I know she's wiretapping your angel chats or whatever, but it's no reason to gank her."

"Don't worry. I'll kill her gentle."

"You're some heartless sons of bitches, you know that?" I frowned.

Castiel sighed. "As a matter of fact, we are. And?"

"And? Anna's an innocent girl." Sam exclaimed.

Castiel shook his head. "She is far from innocent."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means she's worse than this abomination you've been screwing. Now give us the girl." The second angel said eyeing Ruby.

He took a step toward her and a bright light came, sucking the two of them away. Sam and I immediately ran into the other room to check on Anna.

"Are they gone?" She gasped. Her arm was sliced open and she was bleeding everywhere. Her hands were covered, and the mirror in front of her had a symbol drawn on it.

I grabbed her, hoping to support her, and I immediately started putting pressure on her wound.

"You killed them?" Sam asked.

"Just sent them away... far away." She gasped.

"You want to tell me how?"

"That just popped in my head. I don't know how I did it. I just did it." She looked up at us desperately.

"How do you know this stuff Anna?" I asked, crouching to meet her eyes. "Think. How did you figure out those markings?"

"I...I think I may remember." She said, hushed, she bit her lip. "It all came as a flash. First the sigil, and then..."

"Then what?" I asked her.

"Everything." Anna met my eyes. "I was an angel, Dean."

I looked at Sam alarmed and back to her. "An angel? Why do they want you?"

"I fell. I... I ripped out my grace."

"Your what?"

"The part of me that makes me an angel. I wanted to be human... so I fell and my mom became pregnant with me." She shook her head. "It's all still a little muddled, but I think I forgot the longer I was here. It was somewhere in my mind, locked away."

Sam and Ruby left us alone so I could stitch up her wounds, and so they could make a game plan. The angels would come back for her. They were angry that she left.

"This'll hurt, sorry about it." I said before pouring alcohol on her wound to clean it, and then pouring some on the needle I was going to use to stitch up her arm.

"It's okay." She murmured.

"Can I ask you something? Why would you fall? Why would you want to be one of us?"

She looked at me as I stitched. "You don't mean that."

"I don't? A bunch of - of miserable bastards... Eating, crapping, confused, afraid."

"I don't know. There's loyalty... forgiveness... love." She sounded dreamy.

"Pain." I countered.

"Chocolate cake."

"Guilt."

"Sex."

I grinned. "Yeah, you got me there."

"I mean it. Every emotion, Dean, even the bad ones... every pain comes with joy. Falling in love... all of it. It's why I fell. It's why... why I'd give anything not to have to go back. Anything."

I could see the look on Sams face when he held Ava. How he didn't deny it when I asked if they were together. "Feelings are overrated, if you ask me."

"Beats being an angel."

I tied her stitches shut and held the cotton bandage over it. "How's that possible? You guys are powerful and perfect. You don't doubt yourselves or God or anything."

Anna winced and then laughed. "Yeah. Perfect... Like a marble statue. Cold... no choice... only obedience. Dean, do you know how many angels have actually seen God? Seen his face?"

"All of you?"

"Four angels. Four. And I'm not one of them."

"That's it? Well, then how do you even know that there is a God?"

"We have to take it on faith... Which we're killed if we don't have." She said grabbing my arm. "I was stationed on earth 2,000 years. Just... watching... silent... invisible... out on the road... sick for home... waiting on orders from an unknowable father I can't begin to understand. So don't tell me that..."

I laughed and shook my head.

"What is so funny?" She asked, annoyed.

"Nothing. Sorry. It's just...I can relate." I smiled and wrapped her arm. "Overbearing dad, check. I'm a soldier too."

“Hey Dean? Thank you. You two didn't need to protect me."

I shrugged. "You don't need to thank me. It's what I do."

"I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve to be saved." She said looking away.

"Hey, Don't talk like that." I said, turning her face to look at me.

"I disobeyed. Lucifer disobeyed. It's our number one rule, and I knew it. Maybe I got to pay."

I took a deep breath, and stood up. "Yeah, well, we've all done things we got to pay for."

"Dean," she began as she stood up. "I got to tell you something. You're not gonna like it."

I eyed her. "Okay. what?"

"About a week ago, I heard the angels talking... About you... What you did in Hell. Dean, I know. It wasn't your fault. You should forgive yourself."

My jaw was tight and I blinked away wetness in my eyes. "Anna, I don't want to, uh... I can't talk about that."

"I know. But when you can, you have people that want to help. You are not alone. That's all I'm trying to say." She said, taking my hand in hers.

I sucked in my breath and turned to look at her. There were things I couldn't say. Not to her, or Ava, or Sam. Not to anyone. Things I'd done that I couldn't bury forever. If pain was being human, then maybe I didn't want to be human. I just wanted to forget.

Anna reached up, touched my cheek, and pressed her lips to mine.


	18. Help Me Unravel My Latest Mistake

Ava

I'm in bed at seven pm. I justified it because Nel was fed and fell asleep in her swing when I was doing my dishes from the cereal I ate for dinner, and it was already dark outside.

I keep rolling over and back over again. I'm taking off my sweatshirt and putting it back on. I'm uncomfortable in my skin.

Lacey is on a date. How could she go on a date in my time of need?

I knew the answer, of course. She had a fucking life! She's been a good friend, but maybe it was time that I listened to her. Stopped wallowing. Won back my man. Or at least got the nerve to call him.

I wondered if he missed me too.

I sat up and looked at the bedside table clock. Seven twenty five. Wow. Time sure does crawl. I flung my legs over the side of the bed and unplugged my cellphone. It was fully charged, and had been all week. That's what happens when you don't have a husband to text. I sighed and dialed Bobby.

"Hey kiddo."

"Uncle Bobby, hi."

"Everything okay?"

I sighed. "Umm... I was actually hoping you knew where Dean was." Maybe it wasn't fair to call him.

He sighed into the phone. "Have you tried to call him?"

"He won't take my calls, Bobby. I get it, we fucked up. You warned me."

"You're not hearing an I told you so from me. Don't worry about that." He said gently.

But I was worried about it. I saw the annoyed look on Johns face when he picked up Nel for Dean. It was judgmental. Like, yeah okay maybe I'm a bad wife, but you were a shit father. We all make mistakes.

"Thanks. So do you know where he is?"

"He's on a case with Sam. They had an apocalypse lead."

I sat up straighter, fighting the urge to rip off my sweatshirt again. Heat rose up my neck and onto my face. "What? He's with Sam?"

"That's what his text said at least."

I stared blankety ahead of me. "So he can forgive Sam and not me..." I didn't realize I'd said it out loud until Bobby commented.

"Honey I'm not sure it's like that. Those brothers have literally been through hell..."

"Trust me, Bobby. I haven't forgotten."

I was angry. There was no denying that. I refused to let them keep me in the doghouse alone. Lacey was right, I didn't roll over and take it. I wasn't that kind of girl. "Bobby can you come by my house and watch Nel? I need to find them. If there's something to fight I'm going to fight it, and I'm going to fight for my marriage."

"You got it."

Dean

Anna caught me off guard when she pressed her lips to mine. She knew what I did and yet she still wanted to kiss me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and grabbed the back of my shirt in her fist, pulling it over my head.

I didn't think before I shrugged her jacket off her shoulders. She reached down and pulled off her own shirt, pressing her chest against mine. She reached up, pressing her hand to Castiel's handprint on my shoulder. Angels are seeming more and more like the bad guy, but there I was. Who was I kidding anyway? I was a bad guy. Anna knew and she didn't care.

I picked her up easily, her thighs wrapping around my waist. This room of the barn was obviously treated as a safe room. There was a vanity, a pull out couch, and a small dresser. I walked us to the couch, laying her down. She unbuttoned her jeans and lifted her hips so I could pull them off. I followed her instructions like a robot. Kissing my way down her exposed skin.

She was pale under me, her green eyes intense. She propped herself up on her elbows to kiss me again. It was slow, but precise. When I kissed her I didn't have to think about where I'd been or what happened while I was there. I was just a guy in the moment. A guy who would have some serious fucking consequences when this was all over, but maybe that's what I wanted deep down. Maybe I wanted to be unforgivable. It always made more sense for Ava and Sam to be together. They were smart, they were more than this shitty life. Unlike me. I was born for it.

I wiggled out of my own pants and stared down at Anna. She was breathing heavily. Her world had been rocked. She still had a fresh bandage on her arm. She wasn't human, and there was something horribly comforting about that.

She hooked her thumbs in her underwear and pulled them down, staring at my own. This was the moment. I could turn back mostly unscathed. I love my wife, but looking at Anna I knew I didn't deserve Ava. I never did.

I held myself up with one hand so I could discard them to the side.

When I pushed inside her she gasped, as if she was surprised. I honestly was. I buried my face in the crook of her neck, worried I was going to lose my shit and cry all over this beautiful woman.

She flipped us over and stared down at me, her hands on my chest. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and she didn't kiss it away or wipe it. She just stared at me as she grinded against me. It was like she was seeing past my skin into my soul. She was watching me crack and break in two. I grabbed ahold of her shoulder blades and pulled her back to my mouth, just so I could stop her eyes. Just so I could stop the pain.

————————-

The man who was with Castiel stood in front of me. I knew now that his name was Uriel. "Dean." He said casually, tilting his head to the side.

"I'm dreaming." I said suddenly. The last thing I remembered was stroking the length of Anna's spine as we drifted to sleep.

"That's correct." He said slowly. "Give us, Anna. She is no use to you."

"Yeah, I'll pass."

Uriel frowned. "I must say that it won't end well for you. She doesn't have her grace. She is no good to you."

"Actually." I said, stepping toward him. "She does. Full blown angel now." I lied out my ass.

He smirked. "That's funny, because I have her grace here." He said, pulling an amulet from around his neck. "Try again, Dean."

I winced.

"I see what's going on here." Uriel said, looking me over. "You got a slice of angel food cake."

"Cute." I snorted. "Come up with that one all yourself?"

He eyed my wedding ring. "I suppose Hell does change a man."

I frowned. "Well you're the one trying to kill an innocent girl, so who is the real bad guy here?"

"Oh Dean she is far from innocent."

"How does Castiel feel about this? He's your boss, right?"

"Castiel isn't here. It's best that way. He has...attachments to you. He likes you."

I frowned harder. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. "Well I'm a likeable guy."

"I'd disagree."

"Of course you would."

"We can't let Hell get it's hooks in her."

"So just give her the angel juice back." I said as if it were that simple.

"She committed a serious crime."

"What? Thinking for herself?"

"This is our business, not yours. She's not even human. Not technically." Uriel clenched his fist. "This is your last chance. Give us the girl or..."

"Or what? What, you're gonna toss me back in the hole? You're bluffing."

"Try me." He growled. "This is a whole lot bigger than the plans we got for you, Dean. You can be replaced."

"Well go ahead and do it."

"You're just crazy enough to go, aren't you?"

"What can I say?" I countered. "I don't break easy."

Uriel smiled at that. It wasn't a big gesture. It was small and somehow much more menacing. "Oh yes, you do. You just got to know where to apply the right pressure. I will see you soon, Dean, and I promise you that you will give us the girl. Or you will live to regret it."

Ava

It was concerning how easy it was to find Sam and Dean. I really needed to go over how to better cover their tracks in the future. I walked up and pushed my way into the unlocked back door. _What is this amateur hour?_ I shook my head. They needed me way more than they were willing to admit.

I heard movement above me, and so I climbed the stairs.

I put a lot of work into my appearance. I was wearing lipstick and eyeliner. What Dean liked to call my ass-hugging-jeans, and a top that showed just enough cleavage. I straightened my hair, and once again I felt like I was attractive enough to hopefully stop his rage enough to have him talk to me.

I got to the top of the stairs and pushed open the old wooden door. I saw his jacket hung over a chair and I smiled with relief. He was here.

That smile quickly faded when my eyes caught a mop of red hair sprawled across his bare chest. They were tangled on the couch asleep, their feet hanging off the side. I could see everything. His hand absentmindedly stroking her back in his sleep. Like he did with me.

"Oh my god."

I was going to be sick.

His eyes opened at the sudden sound of my voice, and his guilty green globes met mine. I shook my head and immediately ran down the stairs, making a lot of noise on my way down. "Ava wait!"

I didn't wait. _This was a mistake! I should've stayed in bed._ I pushed back outside and started coughing and spiting. My hands were on my knees as I was doubled over. _Do I deserve this?_

I stood up and made my way to my car when the door behind me busted open. Dean was wearing his jeans and black t-shirt. He didn't even bother putting on his shoes. His hair was still messy from the sex. Looking at him gave me physical pain.

"It..."

"Do _not_ insult me by saying it wasn't what it looked like."

"It was what it looked like." He said defeated.

"Goodbye, Dean."

"Hey!" He said, jogging to me. He grabbed my arm. "You don't get to do that."

"You don't get to fuck another girl and then ask _me_ to be reasonable." I tired to pull. My arm away but he wouldn't budge.

"That's what you've been trying to do all week."

"Oh my god, Sam and I are not the same as whatever is going on here."

"You're right. You were in a relationship. Yours is worse."

I looked at him, infuriated. I wanted to slap him. Scream. I tried to calm my breathing. "What do you want me to say?"

"Say that it wasn't okay."

I laughed. I didn't mean to, but it was just so fucking stupid. "You were dead, Dean. You were fucking gone. I was pregnant and alone. I was broken. I was a corpse. I didn't recognize myself. You cannot blame me for finding whatever I could to deal with losing you. Sam was the only thing that kept me alive."

He flinched, and I could tell my words hurt him. Maybe they needed to hurt, because he needed to understand. "I didn't do it to hurt you. We both tried to sell our souls. I met with so many people. I did research. I met with a witch and she said there was no getting you back. I couldn't go in our room for months, and when I finally did I read your note and... I don't know. Maybe I should've found another way, but I will not apologize for keeping both Sam and I afloat."

I watched his neck move as he swallowed hard. "Were you in love with him?" He asked quietly.

"I never stopped loving you." I told him, honestly. "But I love him too. I love him in a way that is unique to Sam and I. But no.. I don't think I was ever in love with him."

Dean closed his eyes and shook his head. "He's in love with you."

"I can't help that. All I can help is what I feel."

He nodded a bit as if he understood, but there was something else going on in his expression. His face was twisted.

"You turn to explain."

"Anna is a fallen angel."

"Anna." I frowned. "She's an angel." I knew I must've sounded like a fucking parrot, but I couldn't help it. I was flabbergasted. When I first met Dean I suspected he was the kind that fucked around, but when I fell for him I never thought he would do it to me. Maybe i was stupid. Maybe there is a better explanation.

"We helped her. The angels and demons want her. She is missing her powers."

"So you thought you should protect her."

"Yes."

"With your penis?"

He laughed humorlessly. "No... we were just talking as I was sewing up one of her wounds. She was telling me why she wanted to fall. Why she would give up power to be a puny human. I guess the stuff she was saying made sense to me."

I frowned. I didn't like his answer so far.

"She knows things about what happened to me in Hell." I could tell it was hard for him to say, he looked like he was choosing his words carefully. "Things that I can't say out loud. Things that I did."

"I don't understand. What are you saying?"

Dean took my hands in his. "I wasn't in Hell for four months, Ave. I don't know.. time worked differently there. It was more like forty years."

I winced. _Oh my god._

"They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you couldn't imagine. Until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... Just so they could start in all over." He blinked tears away. "And Alastair... at the end of every day... every one... he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack. If I put souls on. If I started the torturing."

"Dean." I whispered, suddenly forgetting about Anna or our fight. I could see the pain in his expression. I held his face in my hands.

"Every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Ave. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls... The things I did..." He collapsed against me, letting it all out. I could feel his body racked with sobs.

"Dean, you held out so much longer than anyone could have. You lasted thirty years." I understood more now. It was easier to be hated for adultery than to have to face his demons. Especially since he thought I was in love with Sam.

"How I feel... what's inside me. Fuck, I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."

Sam

Anna came running down the stairs. Ruby and I were trying to make a plan. She didn't think we should help. I chalked it up to the fact that she's a demon and is a little self centered, because we were obviously helping.

"Sam, the angels are talking again." She said out of breath.

"What are they saying?"

"It's weird. Like a recording on a loop. It says: Dean Winchester gives us Anna by midnight, or..."

I stood up. "Or what?

"...or we hurl him back to damnation."

I swallowed hard. "Anna.. Do you know of any weapon that works on an angel?

"To what? To kill them?"

I nodded.

"Nothing we could get to... Not right now."

"We need to tell Dean." I pushed past her. _What were we going to do?_

"I think he's outside." Anna said, pulling her sleeves over her hands.

"Thanks." I walked out the door. "Dean?" I shouted.

I stopped in my tracks when I saw them illuminated in the moonlight. Ava and Dean were tangled together. They turned to me looking surprised that I was there. I'd interrupted a moment between them.

My fingers twitched at my side. They were getting back together. I didn't know why I was surprised. Of course she would pick him.

"Sammy?"

"The angels are talking again. We have two hours before they come for Anna or you're going back to Hell."

"Shit."

"Yeah not great." I said glumly. I turned away from them.

"Sam wait!" Ava called out to me.

I turned, and there we were again. She was standing between us. In the middle of a fucking storm.


	19. Fragile Love

Dean

We had a plan. We were going to let the angels come, and Ruby was going to summon the demons. We would just stand back and let them fight it out. It was a ballsy move, but it's the only one we had.

"I'm sorry." Anna said gently. "I didn't know you were married."

"It's my fault." I said running my fingers through my hair. "Things have been... not good in the last week. Don't feel bad. You didn't know."

Anna nodded, not meeting my eyes. God I suck.

"Anna, Uriel has your grace." I said seriously. "I think if we get him back here... I think you can get it back."

"Maybe." She exhaled. "But either way, Dean, its time for us all to face what we have done. You with your wife, and me with the angels."

She patted my shoulder before walking away, her hand slipping down my arm.

At this point it was just a waiting game. Ava was in the corner on the phone with Bobby. He was watching Eleanor and she wanted to keep him updated.

I needed some air so I walked back outside into the night.

"Hey." Sam said, walking out right behind me.

"Sammy."

"So she's pretty pissed huh?"

"Guess you heard." I frowned, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"More like put two and two together." He said slowly.

"Hm. Yeah I'd say she's pissed."

"What about you? You still mad?"

I pulled my hands out of my pockets and began to pace. "Not sure how I feel."

"You've gotta know that it's you and it's always been you."

I shook my head. "Here's the thing, Sammy. It's one thing if it was just sex. You sleep with my girl, I kick your ass and we move on, but what am I supposed to do knowing what I know?"

"It doesn't matter, man, it's over."

"When you're in love with somebody it's never over, Sammy. Not really." I turned to him and caught his expression in the moonlight. He was in pain. It was pretty fucking obvious.

"She isn't in love with me, though. She told me multiple times when we were together that you were her soulmate. You don't just throw that shit around."

I leaned on Baby and stared at the moon and the black, inky, starless sky. "With the things I've done, man. I don't know if I'm even capable of love. sometimes I wish that when I was pulled out of that hole that I didn't come back here. Then I wouldn't have had to face her. I wouldn't have had to face any of it."

"Dean you can't just let her go. Whoever she picks it'll be because that's who she wants. If we love her we have to give her that choice."

"And if it isn't you? You gonna leave?"

"Are you?" He countered, staring at me.

I shrugged. "Nah. Probably not. I don't think I could walk away from Nel."

"Me neither. She's pretty spectacular." Sam sad sadly.

"Listen, man. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't even know if she can forgive me, or if she wants to. But I do know one thing." I put my hand on his shoulder. "I want you to be happy. Spent my whole damn life fighting for that."

"Me too." He admitted quietly. "You deserve to be happy."

I shrugged and crossed my arms again. "Yeah, well. Maybe that's not in the cards. Maybe I got my happiness. Maybe I already used it all up."

"Not sure that's how it works." Sam snorted.

"What would you know?" I laughed.

"Are you two done looking longingly into each other's eyes?" Ruby asked, popping her head out of the barn.

"Yeah, we're done." I said, standing back up straight.

"Good. Company's coming."

Sam and I looked at each other and we hurried back into the main room of the barn. When I walked through the door I met Ava's eyes. She immediately looked away, causing me to wince. Maybe she wouldn't be as quick to forgive me as we thought just a few hours ago.

The door flew open and Castiel and Uriel stepped in. This was in typical angel fashion.

"Hello, Anna. It's good to see you." Castiel said. It was pretty clear it was not actually good to see her.

Anna stood strong, with her arms by her side. "Okay. No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready."

"I'm sorry." Castiel mumbled.

"No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling."

"Still, we have a history. It's just..."

"Orders are orders. I know. Just make it quick." Anna said weakly.

A man stepped out of the shadows, we hadn't heard him come in. "Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head."

Uriel stepped forward with a growl. "How dare you come in this room... you pussing sore?"

"Name-calling. That hurt my feelings... You sanctimonious, fanatical prick." The demon hissed.

Castiel out a hand. "Turn around and walk away now."

The demon shrugged. "Sure. Just give us the girl. We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper."

"You know who we are and what we will do. I won't say it again. Leave now... or we lay you to waste." Castiel said sternly.

The demon winked before lunging at Castiel. "Think I'll take my chances."

Castiel frowned and took his palm and placed it against the demons forehead. A light burst through his palm, but to his surprise, nothing else happened.

The demon smeared. "Sorry, kiddo. Why don't you go run to daddy?" Castiel looked alarmed as the demon started chanting. "Potestas inferna, me confirma. Potestas inferna, me confirma. Potestas inferma, me confirma!"

I stood up, grabbing the first solid thing I could find and smashed it against the demons head. Uriel's words echoing in my head. _Castiel_ _likes_ _you_.

The demon held his head. "Dean, Dean, Dean... I am so disappointed. You had such promise." He turned to me with a growing smile.

My stomach dropped. Alastair. He came at me, fists blazing. I was so caught off guard that I wasn't able to block his first three hits. His nails cut my cheeks, and his fists made my jaw make a horrible crack.

I couldn't see what else was happening. My ears were ringing and blood from my head was pooling in my eyes. There were so many times when I was stuck on that rack unable to fight back when I imagined what I would do to him, but inside I couldn't move. I was fucking frozen in place.

"No!" Uriel screamed.

I tried to look when I heard his voice, through the blood I could barely see Anna breaking the pendant that held her grace.

Anna shouted, "Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes!" I closed my eyes, as a bright blinding light exploded into the room. I no longer felt Alastair's weight on my body, or his blows to my face.

I laughed humorlessly. _Fuck I can’t believe that worked_. "Well, what are you guys waiting for? Go get Anna. Unless, of course, you're scared." My voice was weak.

"This isn't over." Uriel growled.

"Oh, it looks over to me." I laughed weakly as Uriel disappeared. Castiel's face lingered on mine for a moment before disappearing as well.

I closed my eyes, and started to drown in the darkness, when I felt arms wrap around me.

"Dean Winchester you're in so much trouble."

Ava. I smiled even though I was pretty sure my jaw was broken. I wanted to open my eyes to see her, but I was too damn tired. I was just too tired.

Ava

 

Sam helped me get Dean to the ER. He was seriously out of it from the beating he'd taken.

"What did you two talk about?" I asked Sam.

He was driving and Dean was passed out in my lap, snoring.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw you go outside together. I can't imagine it was a comfortable conversation."

Sam shrugged. "I think he gets it."

"Gets what?"

"Us."

I swallowed hard. "You and I? What do you mean?"

Dean groaned in my lap, and I stroked his hair gently. I could see the hospital coming up close.

"I think he knows that it was just circumstantial." Sam said nonchalantly. "That you didn't really like me, if it weren't for the situation."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" I frowned. "Sam it was more than that."

He didn't look at me in the rear view mirror, but I could see his shoulders tense. "I just assumed, since you forgave him and took him back so easily after what he did. I never hurt you like that."

I glanced down at Dean, hoping he was out of it enough to not absorb this conversation. It seemed inappropriate to discuss with anyone but him. "Sam I haven't forgiven him, we still have a lot to work through, but it's none of your business what I decide to do in my marriage."

He pulled up to the hospital and parked in front of the ER. He turned back to look at me. "Ava it kind of feels like my business." He said quietly. "Because if you don't forgive him, if you don't pick him... do I have a chance?"

I met his eyes with a sigh and felt Dean stir in my lap. "We need to get him inside."

Sam winced at me words but nodded.

We each got a side of Dean and practically dragged him in the doors.

I spent my whole life avoiding situations exactly like this. Love triangles and boy drama. I watched everyone around me experience it, and it never seemed appealing to me. Why have someone pine over you? Why bother getting your heart broken, and risk breaking someone else's?

They got Dean on a gurney, and took him back behind a curtain in the ER for an examination. It seemed like a tight area so we stayed out in the hall.

Sams hands were in his pockets. He looked serious. Pensive. I wanted to ask him what was on his mind, but I already knew.

"I never meant for this to happen, Sam." I looked at him sadly, through my hair.

"I know you didn't." He said with a sigh, running his fingers through his shaggy hair. "But you just keep letting it happen."

"What do you mean?"

He eyed me. "You're keeping me on the hook. You keep telling me we had something, and then you still want to get back with him."

"Of course I do! He's my husband!"

"And what was I?" He asked, staring down at me. I could see the hurt flood his eyes and his bottom lip tremble. His hand touched over his head. "What am I?"

_"So what is this?" Sam asked me, he held my hand in his. He was running his fingers along the lines on my palm._

_"This is my hand." I grinned._

_"You know what I meant."_

_"So serious, Sam Winchester." I said playfully. We were being lazy, lounging around in bed._

_He rolled his eyes._

_"Aw don't be like that." I complained rolling over on top of him. "I'm just playing around."_

_"I'm not." He whispered, brushing my hair behind my ear with his fingers._

_I reached up to touch his cheek. It was rough from the beard he was growing. He looked so tired since Dean died. He missed him a lot. We both did. There was something else growing behind his eyes, though. There was something gentle. There was love._

_I couldn't help, but kiss him when he looked at me like that. He wanted me. He wanted me in an uncomplicated way. He wanted me like a thirsty man wants water, or like the stars want to shine. It was easy. It was sweet, but most of all it made sense._

_"What?" He asked softly, touching my lower lip with his thumb._

_I bit his thumb gently._

_"Ow." He complained._

_I kissed his thumb. "Sorry." I murmured._

_Even the little things didn't annoy me. His kale smoothies reminded me that he cared about his body, and his life. Sometimes he would stay up late listening to serial podcasts. I liked them, because it gave us an excuse to cuddle closer late at night. He could reach the tippy top shelves, but sometimes he would put things up high purposefully just so I'd have to ask him for help. He was kind, and I could tell that he loved me._

_He took my face in his hands and he kissed me deeply. He tasted like sleep. Maybe I could be his girlfriend. Maybe it could always be this easy._

"You're Sam." I said weakly. I didn't know what else to say.

"Mrs. Winchester? We have finished our initial examination. He has a concussion, his jaw is fractured, and he had to have some stitches. Overall he is very lucky. Have him stick to a soft diet this week and take it easy. Keep an eye on him for the first twenty four hours. If he exhibits any signs of brain injury please reach out to me." The Doctor said handing me his card.

"Thank you." I said.

"I'll work on his discharge papers."

I pushed past the curtain. Dean was sitting up, holding an ice pack to his jaw. "Hey." He said with a charming smile. He immediately winced.

"Hey back." I said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm glad you're here." He mumbled against the ice.

"I'm glad you're here." I said, taking his hand in mine. The skin on his knuckles were broken and his hands were dirty, but I held them tightly. "We have a lot to talk about." I said, staring into his candy apple green eyes.

He nodded gently. "I'm sorry, Ave."

I reached up to touch his cheek, but my hand only hovered. I didn't want to hurt him. He met me half way and leaned into my hand. "I know." My heart squeezed. "Let's go home."

He nodded and I helped him sit up.

Anna got her grace back. I guess that was a win. I had a lot of thoughts running around my brain. The apocalypse was coming. I could feel it in my bones. There was darkness coming.

I hadn't forgiven Dean, not completely. We had a lot to work out. I still didn't know how I felt about Sam. I had a lot to work out, but for tonight we were safe. We were alive.

 


	20. I Am Yours

Ella

_About 16 Years Later_

He was sleeping. His arm hanging off the side of the bed. His forehead was wrinkled. I couldn't tell if he was having a bad dream or a good one, but his eyes moved rapidly under his eyelids.

I crawled onto the bed next to him, and crouched over his head. I ran my finger down his nose, tickling it. "Wake up." I murmured.

His eyes flew open and he grabbed for the gun under his pillow before he saw it was me. He exhaled slowly. "What're you doing here?"

"I know how hard today is for you, Dad."

He groaned and shook his head. "Nope. I'm fine, kid. Where's Claire?"

"On a hunt." I said with a shrug.

"I can't believe you're dating a hunter." He groaned, rubbing his face. His green eyes looked dull and tired. He needed to shave. "Not exactly a fathers dream."

"They say girls alway date people who resemble their fathers." I said gently with a mischievous smile.

His eyebrows raised. He pretended to be offended, pressing his hand to his chest. "I am _nothing_ like biker Barbie!"

"Can you stop calling her that?" I asked with a laugh.

"Nope." He grinned widely.

_Good. A smile. That's a start._

"Is Sam up?" He asked with a yawn.

"Probably. You know how he is. Up with the birds."

"And Cas?"

I shrugged. "He doesn't exactly sleep. Last time I walked by his room he was binging Game of Thrones."

Dad groaned. "We need to put a timer on his tv. It's going to rot his brain."

The bunker had been surprisingly quiet all morning. I think everyone knew that today of all days we needed to be gracious. We needed to be kind. He shouldn't be rattled, especially with everything that was going on.

"Maybe, but he likes it."

"And Jack?"

I reached out and took his left hand in mine. "Dad what's wrong? Why are you so worried about where everyone is?"

He shrugged. "Curious." He grunted.

We were the same, Dad and I. We were cut from the same cloth. He squeezed my hand weakly. Today was a bad day on top of a million other bad days. We were trying to find a way to keep Michael contained, but he was worried.

By _we_ of course I meant Sam, Cas, and Dad. I wasn't supposed to know, but I'm not blind. I'm also a really talented eaves dropper. Especially when there's yelling involved.

"Want to get pancakes?" I asked him.

He narrowed his eyes and glanced at the clock on his bedside table. "Eleanor Mary Winchester, you're supposed to be at school."

I groaned and fell backwards onto the bed. I never would've guessed, based on my Dad and Sams history growing up that I would've had to go to school, but I was so wrong.

Dad enrolled me in a private school, plaid skirts and all. Uncle Sam helped me with my homework, and with all the books around the bunker growing up I easily skipped a few grades in elementary school. My reading levels were off the charts, and I was easily able to do math and computers from watching Uncle Sam hack. Not to mention all the chemistry involved in spell work. Rowena was a great science tutor.

I was an almost seventeen year old high school senior. I only had two classes to complete next semester and I was opting to take them online so I could help with hunts. Even though I hadn't told Dad that yet.

"Come on, Dad. It's the end of the week. Next week is fall break, and I'm already ahead on my homework. We can rent monster movies and eat way too much chocolate. It'll be fun!"

"No way, kid. You're going to school." He said, patting my knee.

He got up, stretching. He turned his head cracking his neck with a satisfying _pop!_

"Sam May have already called me in." I said, hiding behind his pillow. I was wearing one of Claire's leather jackets, and a Harry Potter T-shirt Charlie had gotten me from Comicon a few years back, paired with my favorite pair of jeans. I wasn't dressed for school, and I had no intention of going.

He crossed his arms and glared at me. "I don't like you going behind my back, El."

I shrugged, twisting my sandy brown hair into a bun. It was getting long, and I kept threatening to cut it, but Claire's favorite pass time when we were alone was braiding it over and over again. Well _one_ of her favorite pass times.

"It's your fault for creating this Full House, three Dads lifestyle for me." I shrugged.

"I am _not_ Danny Tanner if that's what you're implying. We need to be clear on that."

I grinned widely. "Sam is obviously Danny. Cas is unknowingly Joey, and you're obviously cool but stern Uncle Jesse." I said crawling off the bed. I stood on my tip toes to place a kiss on his cheek. "It's way too late for me to show up now. It'll seem weird. Can we just please have a day for just us?"

I turned on my best daughter charm, bottom lip pout and all.

He groaned and pulled me into a hug, placing a kiss on the top of my head. "Fine." I was irresistible to him.

When I went on my first date with a girl everyone joked that it had to be from all the men I was around. How could anyone possibly compare to my three fathers? To the constant love and support? That's just what people saw, though.

I joked that it was all the mommy issues.

"Alright old man! Get dressed, I have triple chocolate pancakes with my name on them!"

Dad grinned. "Yup you're my kid." He said flicking the bun on my head. "I'll meet you in five."

I shrugged and walked into the kitchen. Jack was leaning against the counter staring at the coffee maker. I raised an eyebrow.

I always wanted a younger sibling, but nothing could've prepared me for what it was like to be an older sister to Jack.

"Hey Jackie." I said eyeing him. "Whatcha doin?"

"I want to make coffee... because everyone drinks it, but I just can't figure this out." Jack sighed, looking defeated.

I couldn't help but smile. "Let me show you." I said, taking out the bag of grounds. "Okay take this." I said grabbing a filter. "Put it here. Then take a scoop of the grounds and dump them in. Push this back into place and press the brew button! Easy peasy."

His eyes widened as the coffee maker gurgled to life and started spitting out brown water.

"You are so smart Ellie!"

I smiled.

I was the woman of many names. Mom called me Nel when I was a baby, when I was in trouble I was Eleanor Mary, Claire calls me Ella most of the time, Sam mostly calls me Kid or Dean Jr, and Cas has experimented with nicknames, but they're usually so awkward that he sticks with Eleanor.

Jack poured himself a cup and took a sip. He almost dropped the cup, and he met my eyes and softly said. "Ellie this is terrible."

I laughed and shook my head. "Let me show you my ways." I said, wiggling my eyebrows. I walked to the fridge and pulled out the plain half and half and I grabbed chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

I took his cup from him and poured out half of the coffee, and replaced it with half and half. I poured in a ridiculous amount of chocolate and topped it with whipped cream. "Try now."

He smiled widely and took a sip. His upper lip was covered in whipped cream. "I think I like coffee."

"Me too." I said with a smile. "Don't ever drink it black. I don't even really think Dad likes it like that. He just wants an excuse to be grumpy."

"Oh I do?" Dad asked as he walked into the kitchen. He poured himself a cup and took a sip staring me right in the face. "Mm. Yum."

"Good morning, Dean." Jack said with a whipped cream smile.

"Mornin kid." He winked at Jack. "What're you doing today?"

"Reading about social norms." Jack said with a nod. "I'm working on my interpersonal skills."

"Sounds fun." Dad said dryly.

"Castiel said it's essential for me to be able to exist in this world."

"Cas doesn't really have room to talk about interpersonal skills." I laughed and Dad nodded at me knowingly.

"What about you two?" Jack asked eagerly drinking his coffee.

"Breakfast and a monster movie marathon." I grinned widely.

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Is your life not already full of monsters?"

Dad and I groaned in unison.

Sam never liked Halloween, but it was Dad and my favorite holiday. We would always dress up in matching costumes, and stay up all night watching horror films. I would always sneak into his room and sleep curled into his back because it was too scary sometimes. From what I hear, it was the exact opposite of what his childhood was like.

I think he worked hard to keep me from having to learn to shoot guns and be afraid of the dark. Knowing that he fought monsters, though, was enough to make me not afraid. How could I be with The Winchester's as my protectors?

So we would play pretend in the fall. We would let ourselves watch slasher movies and pretend we were regular people. We would pretend that I didn't get an anti possession tattoo at 15, and that we didn't live in a weird underground bunker.

Dad sat his mug in the sink. "Let's hit the road."

"Can I drive?" I asked when we walked into the garage.

He stopped, and touched my shoulder to stop me. "Maybe you should stay home."

"Why?"

"You've got to have a fever if you think you're going to drive Baby."

I rolled my eyes. "My bad." _Shouldn't push my luck._

"Get in." He said with a laugh.

Dad always looked his most relaxed when he was driving the Impala. When it started up he always took a deep breath and smiled. No matter what he was going through he was able to find peace in his vehicle. A lot of people think that home is a place, but for Dad and Sam... that car was always their home. It's been the only consistent thing in their lives besides each other.

"The Little Pancake?" He asked me as he opened the garage and pulled out.

"Obviously. What? You new here?"

I grinned at me.

The Little Pancake had been our breakfast place since we moved back to Kansas. It had ridiculous pancake options. There's no way they could be healthy, and that's exactly what we loved about it.

He took me there after my first period, my first break up, my first C on a test. It was something special for just the two of us. Sam asked if he could come once and Dad told him no, because they don't have kale pancakes. I think he hurt Sams feelings.

We went to our usual booth in the corner. "Do you think it's too early for a peanut butter milkshake?"

"Never." Dad said.

"Hey Dean, El." Our favorite waitress Cami said as she walked past our table. "The usual?"

"Yeah!" I said with a grin. "Plus a peanut butter milk shake."

"You got it." Cami said with a nod.

"So." Dad started, leaning across the table to talk to me. "Do we need to get you a homecoming dress?"

"Please." I groaned. "No way.. Claire would never be caught dead at a school dance."

"She might for you." He shrugged.

"Would you have gone?"

"For the right girl, I would've done anything."

I smiled. "You're a softy."

"Claire is too." He said knowingly. "When it comes to you."

"You're all soft when it comes to me." I said flippantly. "I'm your Achilles Heel. Princess Winchester heir to the great throne." I said dramatically.

"Who raised you to be this way?" He laughed shaking his head.

"You. It was literally you."

Cami brought my milkshake and Dad's coffee. She smiled at him and lingered a little too long like she usually does. She was maybe thirty five, and she had a huge crush on him. She was pretty, and other than the fact that she worked in a diner, she was pretty spectacular. "You know she likes you right." I whispered to him.

"Me? No way."

"Dad come on. All the girls at school talk about how I have the hot Dad." _Technically they say hot Dad's, plural, but there's no need to upset him._

"You should ask her out." I said gently.

"What?" He looked genuinely shocked.

"Yeah. You've been unhappy long enough, Dad. Put yourself out there."

"Eleanor, I'm not going to discuss this with you." He said sharply. Eleanor. That meant the conversation was over. "So, what case is Claire on? Tell me about it."

I frowned and sipped my milkshake. My dad was my best friend, and I know how that sounds. We were tight knit, and I grew up being taught that family is the only thing that matters. Seeing him hurting was physically painful for me, and he was hurting a lot.

"Haunted house." I lied. "Seemed like a milk run. She should be back in a few days." She was actually researching ways to help Dad with the Micheal situation, but I couldn't tell him that.

"You worried about her?" Dad asked.

"Always." I said with a weak smile. "It's hard to care about someone that's always going. Especially when you can't go with them."

"That may be how it always is with you two." He said glumly, sipping his coffee.

I shrugged. "Maybe, but I'd rather have her part of the time than not at all."

He didn't know that I had an interest in hunting. How could I not? It would be a fight when it happened, so I avoided bringing it up at all costs.

Cami came with our breakfast. Dad got a slice of apple pie with ice cream, and I got my mess of chocolate masquerading as pancakes. The conversation was over.

"I love this place." Dad said with his mouth full of his last bite of pie.

"Me too." I grinned, wiping the chocolate off my chin.

"To the video store?" Dad asked as he sat down the cash to pay, and a high tip.

"Well, I was actually thinking..." I chewed on my bottom lip.

"Spit it out, kid."

"I was thinking maybe we could drop by and see Mom for a few?"

His back straightened and he visibly swallowed. "I.. I don't know, El. Is that really a good idea?"

I took his hand. "I think it's time. Don't you?"

He sighed and shook his head. It was always hard to get him to go see her. He was very cut and dry. The past is the past and that's _it._ No need in dwelling. But she was my mom. So of course I had to dwell. It's a kids dream to have their parents together in one place. I knew I couldn't have that, and it was fine. I never grew up missing much. Cas, Sam, and Dad did a great job making sure I didn't miss a thing. Before Charlie died, she would come by and help me deal with the stuff the boys couldn't. Then Rowena... I had a big family, but there's still things that no amount of love can fill. More than anything, though, I needed him to have that closure so he could move on.

"I know you miss her." I said quietly.

He sucked in his breath and blinked a tear away. "Yeah, okay." He said, tossing me the keys. I caught them without fumbling, which was a huge deal for me. I didn't question him, I just walked to the car and got in. He didn't smile when the car hummed when it started up. He just stared at the landscape as we drove.

We parked after what seemed like an eternity of open road. I took his hand in mine to make sure he could move forward. Pain was obvious on his face as we pushed through the iron gate. The air was chilly, but warm for October. The leaves crunched under our feet as we made it down the path.

"Hey Mom." I said gently, crouching in front of the polished marble. I reached out and touched her name that was carved in. _Ava Winchester._


	21. A Way to You Again

Ava

_Present Day_

I was in and out of sleep all night. I constantly was trying to make sure Dean was still alive.

He groaned and rolled over opening his eyes slowly. "Hey." He croaked.

"Hey back." I whispered, like I had hundreds of time in our relationship.

"Ava..."

"Dean." I sighed. "We have been through a lot, ya know?"

"Yeah. We have." He reached forward and pushed a curl out of my face.

"You really hurt me by sleeping with Anna."

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "I'm in a bad place."

"I get that." I said slowly. "But me being with Sam... that wasn't done to hurt you. You were with Anna to hurt me back. How can we have a marriage like that?"

Dean winced and nodded. "I understand."

"What? What do you understand?"

"You changed your mind. You don't want to be with me."

"Sit up, Dean Winchester." I said, sitting up myself. He followed my instruction and sat up, even though he was obviously sore. "Do you remember our wedding?"

He eyed me but nodded slowly. "Yeah, of course."

"I promised you forever. Longer than Death. You promised that as long as you had breath in your body that you would belong to me. Were those lies?"

"No. I meant it. You're everything, Ava. Our family is everything... I just.. you were with Sam."

I shook my head. "Yes. I was with Sam. If you can't let that go, I understand. If you had a relationship with someone else I don't know how I'd react. I can't help what's happened in the past, all I can do is work out what is happening now."

"And what about how you feel now? Were you two together when I got back?"

It was a fair question. He was entitled to it. "Yes."

"You didn't get a chance for closure." He said slowly. "I know Sam didn't."

"You two aren't allowed to talk about me." I said uncomfortably.

"I think you need to take some time."

"What do you mean? Like a break?"

"Not explicitly. Maybe you and Sam should... I don't know. Go somewhere to figure out your shit. I won't be able to stop worrying about it until I know you've worked it all out."

"You're sending me on what? A romantic weekend with your brother? I asked, confused.

"Not romantic." Dean scowled. "I just have to have my brother in my life, and even if you think you want to be with me... If you haven't had a chance to figure out what you really want then we may always wonder. Things can be civil if we do it now, but if you end up with him later... I don't know how our family can survive this."

I took his hands in mine. "Dean you were the only one for me. I went to your grave the day I decided to let Sam take me on a date. I had a long talk with you." I smiled sadly. "I was trying to do what I thought you would want. I was trying to be happy. I was trying to make Sam happy. To give Nel a family. I was trying to make your sacrifice not be done in vain." I sucked in my breath. "It was only a few weeks ago that things really started. I don't feel like... I don't feel like it's enough to throw away us."

He stroked my ring finger. "You don't have anything to apologize for. You've always had a special bond with Sam. I did want you to be happy, and I didn't exactly put caveats on that." He smiled sadly. "I just want to make sure you make the right choice, because if you change your mind.. I don't know if I can let you go again."

I nodded slowly. I could do that. Maybe it's what Sam and I needed. To get everything out. I wrapped my arms around Deans neck, and he pulled me close, kissing my hair. "I will come back to you." I promised quietly.

Ella

_About 16 years later_

My favorite thing in the world was watching Claire sleep. I always woke up before her, and I could watch her for hours. She looked so peaceful. She wasn't trying too hard. She wasn't scowling. She wasn't making dumb jokes to impress me, or pretending she didn't care. She was just there. Her expression relaxed and her mouth open a bit. I wanted to kiss her when I saw her like that, but I didn't want to wake her up.

"What?" She grumbled with her eyes still closed.

She got in late last night, I didn't even notice her crawl into bed.

"You forgot to take off your eyeliner last night..." I smiled and rubbed some smudged black from the corner of her eye. "It's cute."

"You're cute." Claire grumbled, pulling me closer.

"Thank you." I smiled and placed a kiss on her nose.

"You know you shouldn't watch people sleep El. It's creepy."

"It's endearing." I countered. We laid together in silence for a few minutes. "So..."

"I didn't find anything." She opened her eye. "It was a dead end, El, I'm sorry."

My heart sunk. I never imagined losing my Dad. It wasn't in the cards. It wasn't an option. He was Dean Winchester, he would live forever.

Something changed in me, though, when I saw Micheal behind his eyes.

_I ran into the dinning room to find Dad in a chair. I hadn't seen him in weeks and my heart squeezed at the sight of him._

" _Kid, What are you doing here?" Uncle Sam asked, alarmed._

" _Eleanor you need to leave, it isn't safe." Cas said intensely._

" _What do you mean?" I asked as my eyes landed on the chains around Dads wrist. He was chained to the pillar. "What's going on? Dad?"_

_Dad smiled. "Your father is gone."_

_I can't describe the feeling I got when Micheals words spilled out of my fathers lips. Your father is gone. It felt all very Shinning._

" _No."_

" _Yes." Micheal hissed._

_I shook my head. "He's still in there. He has to be!" I shouted, walking to Micheal. "You've got him dressing like you, in your dumb hat." I said snatching it off his head. "He hates wearing suits, but he would definitely not wear anything this pretentious!"_

" _You're right, he wouldn't, but I would. Dean is gone."_

_My palm connected with his cheek in a loud smack! "Let him go! Dad, Dad listen to me! It's Eleanor! It's your daughter... please snap out of it! Fight!" I shook his shoulders in my hands, but Micheal just laughed. My fathers face no longer belonged to him._

" _Sam get her out of here!" Cas shouted._

_Uncle Sam grabbed me, pulling me off of Dad and he drug me out of the room. I didn't realize I was crying until he was wiping the tears off my cheeks. "Listen to me, kid." Sam whispered. "We will get him back. I promise."_

_I wrapped my arms around his middle and hugged him tightly, hoping to god he was right._

"We will find something." I said, pressing my forehead to Claire's. "I can't lose him." I whispered sucking in my breath. I didn't have to be strong around her. We took turns.

"I know, baby." She whispered, stroking my hair.

Claire knew how it felt to lose both parents. She knew how it felt to look into her fathers eyes and see a stranger. Even if they said yes for valiant reasons... they were still gone. Even though Claire loved Cas, I still knew it was hard for her to not look at him and see her dad.

"Hey." Claire murmured, tilting up my chin. "How was yesterday?"

I took a few deep breaths to quiet my tears. "We went to her grave. He cried a lot, and then he asked for some time alone. I don't know, Claire, maybe it wasn't the best idea."

"I know you were hoping he would open up about what happened with him and your mom..." Claire said softly. "But Maybe he still will. Maybe he just needs time."

"He's had 16 years." I said with a wince. "How much time does he need?"

Sam

_Present_

"He wants us to what?" I asked, leaning against the counter, sipping my coffee. I decided to come back to the house with Ava and Dean. He was in shitty shape, and after the whole Anna situation. I didn't know what was going to happen.

Avas hair was messy from sleep, and she wore a sweatshirt and leggings. I always thought she looked the most beautiful this way. "He wants us to figure out what there is between us. I think he just wants to make sure I'm not going to run off with you."

I winced. I knew she wasn't trying to be cruel, but fuck. She knows how I feel, and if she doesn't then she's blind. "So what? Am I supposed to take you on a date or something?"

"Maybe we should just take a day or two. Lock ourselves in a room and just work through our shit?" She asked softly.

_Does Dean want to be sure she won't run off with me, or does she want to be sure she won't?_

"That may hurt, Ava. That may hurt me." I frowned. "Why should I?"

"Don't you want closure too?"

I met her blue eyes. She seemed sincere. "Of course I do."

"I don't want to hurt you, Sam. I didn't want to hurt Dean. _I_ don't want to be hurt either, believe it or not." She sighed and wiped her eye quickly. "I wish things could just be one way. We were happy with our little family, but Dean is my husband. He makes me happy too."

I didn't like seeing her in pain, and I didn't like seeing Dean in pain. "I need to talk to my brother." I said looking away from her.

This was the weirdest thing we have ever done.

I pushed into their room and crossed my arms. "So you tryin to throw in the towel?"

"What?" Dean asked, squinting at me. He was laying in bed. He looked like shit.

"You heard me, man. Why are you trying to send Ava and I away together?"

He shrugged. "Want to make sure she's picking the right brother."

"So you're giving me a chance to steal your wife?"

"Exactly." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"You're a glutton for punishment." I groaned. "Dude this is stupid. All it's going to do is cause problems."

"We all deserve to know who she is in love with, Sammy. It'll be so much worse if she flip flops like she has been doing. I get it. I crashed into the life you'd built. Now she's confused. I'm giving you both the opportunity to stop being confused."

"I don't get it." I frowned and walked towards him, and sat on the edge of his bed. "You want me to sleep with her? Do you think that'll eliminate the guilt you feel for getting with Anna?"

"Woah." He said sitting up. "I never said _sleep with Ava._ " He stopped and rubbed his face with his hands, not being wary at all of his injuries. "Listen Sam. The ball is in her court. I don't need to know what happens on this trip. I don't want to know. All I need to know is if she comes home to me, or if I need to find another place to live. Ya get me?"

I remember Dean telling me to fight for love. Where was his fight? Why was he rolling over? Something happened to him in Hell. Something he wasn't talking about.

"Why did you sleep with Anna?"

"Why does it matter, Sam? You've never questioned me before."

"You haven't cheated since high school... it's just not you anymore. It doesn't make sense. You love Ava. Why would you hurt her?" I asked him quietly.

Dean sighed. "Sammy... I'm just not good enough for her. I'm a fuck up. These hands weren't made for love, ya know? I'm destined to hurt her. You're not. And... fuck if she wants me even after everything she knows. Really wants me... even after she has every choice in front of her. Then she can have me. She can have my body and my soul. She can have it all. But man if she doesn't want me. I don't blame her. I won't be pissed. I'll just be a father to my kid. I don't deserve that either, but as long as Nel wants me around, I'll be her Dad."

"Dean, you don't have to worry about being a good parent. I already know you are a good one. I know because you were mine." I said sadly. "I shouldn't have gotten with her. It wasn't right."

"Maybe it was." He smiled widely. "You've always wanted to be like me."

"I'd be lucky to be half the man you are." I wasn't sure why I was getting so emotional.

"Well you got it. You're already twice the man I am." He shrugged.

"I'll back off. I don't have to go with her."

"Sammy, Listen. We will never know what we have is real if she doesn't have all the options. I don't want her to be with me because you backed out, and you don't want her to be with me just because we are married."

"That is a big factor, man."

"She married me because I was a dead man."

"You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Kind of. It sped everything up."

"I don't think that's true, Dean. I was at that wedding, remember?"

"Well, we will know soon enough." He forced a smile. "Make a good argument, okay?"

I stared at my brother. Maybe he had brain damage. He couldn't be that delusional, and self destructive. Could he? More importantly, though, could I really go and try to fight for her? What kind of man would that make me? Would I be able to ever forgive myself if I did? Would I ever be able to forgive myself if I don't?

 


	22. Lost

Dean

_Present_

My entire body hurt. I groaned and stretched. Ava left in the morning, and Bobby picked up Nel since I wasn't really in a place to care for an infant. I felt like shit. I rubbed my eyes and threw my legs over the side of the bed. I needed coffee and a shower.

I walked to the kitchen, stopping in my tracks. Castiel and Uriel were in my kitchen.

"Winchester." Uriel said with a smile.

"Oh come on." I groaned.

"You are needed."

"Needed? You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Now, you mind your tone with me. We raised you out of hell for our purposes."

"Yeah, what were those again? What exactly did you want from me?"

"Start with gratitude."

"Oh."

"Dean, we know this is difficult to understand." Castiel said slowly.

"And we don't care. Now, seven angels have been murdered, all of them from our garrison. The last one was killed today." Uriel said intensely.

I frowned. Something felt off. "Demons? How they doing it?"

"We don't know." Uriel said cryptically. I hate that fuckin guy.

"So you need our help hunting a demon?" I asked.

"Not quite." Castiel met my eyes. "We have Alastair."

"Great. He should be able to name your trigger man." I shrugged.

"But he won't talk. Alastair's will is very strong. We've arrived at an impasse." Cas said.

"Yeah, well, he's like a black belt in torture. I mean, you guys are out of your league."

Uriel walked towards me. "That's why we've come to his student. You happen to be the most qualified interrogator we've got."

I shook my head, looking down. No fucking way. I can't.

"Dean, you are our best hope." Cas said slowly.

"No. No way. You can't ask me to do this, Cas. Not this." I shook my head, I met his eyes. I was begging him. "Please."

"Who said anything about asking?" Uriel smiled, tilting his head to the side.

There was a woosh, a rush of air and we were no longer standing in the kitchen. I was dressed in regular clothes. I wasn't sure how they changed my clothes, but I felt awkward as hell about it.

Cas lead me to a door that had a glass window. I could see Alastair through the glass. He was chained up to a six sided star. He almost looked Christ like chained with his arms out. I swallowed hard.

"This devil's trap is old Enochian. He's bound completely." Cas explained.

"Fascinating." I grunted, turning away from Alastair's eyes that bore into my soul. "Where's the door?"

"Where are you going?"

"Hitch a ride back home, thank you very much."

I walked past Cas, Uriel stepping in front of me. "Angels are dying, boy."

"Everybody's dying these days. And hey, I get it. You're all-powerful. You can make me do whatever you want." My jaw was tight, and my eyes burned. "But you can't make me do this."

Cas frowned. "This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it."

I watched Castiel. His eyebrows were together.

"I want to talk to Cas alone."

Uriel looked between us. "I think I'll go seek revelation. We might have some further orders."

I forced an angry smile. "Well, get some donuts while you're out."

Uriel cracked a smile. "Ah, this one just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you, boy."

Uriel disappeared in a woosh.

"You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby."

Cas stared at me blankly.

"You know, I'm starting to think he has a better sense of humor than you do." I raised my eyebrows.

"Uriel's the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone."

I swallowed hard and walked to him. "What's going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?"

"My superiors have begun to question my sympathies."

"What do you mean?"

"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."

"Well, tell Uriel, or whoever...you do not want me doing this, trust me."

"Want it, no. But I have been told we need it."

"You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out."

I knew Cas saw me in Hell. He pulled me out. He had to have seen what it was like. Fuck, maybe I was even still holding the blade.

"For what it's worth, Dean, I would give anything not to have you do this." Cas said, his voice low. He avoided my eyes. He did see. He didn't want me to be that, but somehow he was willing to risk it. Maybe it was important.

Maybe Ava would pick Sam, because if I did this... I wouldn't be able to come back from it. I wouldn't be able to be the man she married.

Ava

_Present_

Sam and I were at one of Bobby's safe houses. I sat on the couch under an itchy plaid blanket and Sam leaned against the wall. The air in the room was stale, and honestly it was so awkward.

"We can still go." I offered avoiding his eyes.

"Do you want to?"

I looked up, my eyes flickering to his. "Yes.. no... maybe."

"Yeah." He grunted. "Me too."

"Maybe the only way out is through."

"Okay." Sam said walking toward me. He sat on the coffee table, facing me. "Let's talk."

"I don't know what to say." I admitted quietly.

What do you say to someone who is important to you? Someone who you love but could never let yourself love? The one that wasn't meant to be?

"Say what you feel."

"I feel... confused."

Sam smiled a little. "Yeah, me too."

I met his eyes and smiled. "This is super awkward."

"It is." He laughed.

"Maybe we should drink?"

"I think that's a great idea." Sam said, letting out a sigh of relief.

I followed him to the kitchen. It took two tries to find Bobby's stash. "Old man always has liquor laying around." Sam grinned.

I snatched the bottle and poured us some shots. "Okay, let's do this."

We both picked up a shot and touched them together in a cheers. We took the shots, and I felt the heat run down my throat. I immediately poured another and took it. A little liquid courage ran through me.

"I'll start." Sam said, taking the bottle. He took a swig. "That first day in the hospital... why did you come with us?"

"You know why." I frowned. "I wanted to catch the demon."

He shook his head. "I don't think so. I understand revenge, Ava. I lived it. The Yellow Eyed Demon? Jess and my mom? It's all consuming. You're not consumed by your demon. You never have been."

I looked down, avoiding his gaze. He saw right through me.

"Why did you come with us?"

I sighed. "Full honesty while we are here?"

He nodded.

"The case we worked together... it felt right. I didn't know how I could just go back. I wanted to go with you two before the attack, but after... after I needed to go with you.I didn't think I could be alone." I looked away. I still could feel his weight on me, the knife between my legs, the trauma didn't visit me as frequently as it used to, but it was still there. It still hurt.

"I'm sorry for bringing it up." Sam said quietly.

"Hey, don't be sorry. It was a valid question. I have a follow up... why did you let me come? Dean didn't want me to."

Sam ran his fingers through his hair. "The only good thing about this life is that I've never had to be alone. In everything that I've done Dean has been with me. Losing what we have lost... the only consistent thing is being together. I saw you there alone. You were in the hospital and it was just us there. We saw how you worked the case. I saw how Dean was around you... I just knew that we all needed to be together."

I reached up and touched his cheek. "Sam Winchester you may know us all better than we know ourselves. I did need you two, even if I couldn't admit it."

"We needed you, too."

"Sam you're my best friend."

"You're mine." He said leaning into my hand.

"We got together in grief, Sam. It wouldn't have happened if Dean didn't die. If we could've brought him back... it wouldn't have happened. Our friendship turned into more because we bonded in grief."

Sam frowned and shook his head, taking another swig. "For sake of honesty, that's bullshit."

"What?"

"You've gotta know that I've had feelings for you for a long time, right?" His forehead was wrinkled as he leaned down to look at me.

"You were always pushing me to be with Dean."

"He's my brother. I saw the way you two were together. I'm not a monster. I wanted you two to be happy. I never could admit it, but I felt it. I’ve felt it for awhile."

I took the bottle and took another swig, trying to swallow the tears that were burning the back of my throat. "We don't deserve you, Sam."

"Maybe you two are soul mates." He laughed humorlessly. "You both deserve more than you'd ever admit."

"Come here." I said, taking Sams hand. I lead him into the living room and I pushed the coffee table out of the way. "Remember the second week we were home? When you stayed up all night with me watching Greys Anatomy?"

Sam grinned widely. "How could I forget? Also how did you not notice I liked you when I stayed up all night watching Greys Anatomy?"

I rolled my eyes. "The point is, I was so depressed I could barely stand up, and you recommended we try our Merediths and Christina's dance it out technique. It worked, Sam. Other than being with Nel that was the first thing that made me smile." I took out my phone and hit shuffle on my phone.

Back in Black by AC/DC started playing over the speaker. "Sam Winchester, will you dance it out with me?"

He eyes me before shrugging. "I'd be honored."

He took my hand and spun me. Sam threw his hands in the air and rolled his hips, I spun in circles and hopped on the couch.

_Back in the back of a Cadillac. Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack._

We were terrible dancers, but it was hard not to laugh. Not to have fun. Love was about joy, but there was something we still needed to figure out. There are different kinds of love.

Sam grabbed me off the couch and tossed me over his shoulder. "Put me down!" I laughed, smacking his back. "This is not dancing!"

"Thought you were supposed to be the fun one Ava!" He laughed spinning us around. He pulled me off his shoulder and held me close to him. "I know you love him."

"I do." I said sadly, sniffling. "I love you too, Sam. You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you. I know that's selfish. It's my fault for sleeping with you. In another life things would be different."

"Hey." He said, taking my chin in his fingers. "I get it. I understand. I love you, too. You're my best friend, and I love my brother." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. "It isn't another life. It's this life. That's okay."

I wiped my eyes and nodded. "You changed my life. You boys are my everything."

He hugged me tightly. "We're family."

"Sam? If Dean hadn't come back... do you think we would've made it?" I asked against his chest.

I felt his fingers stroking my hair, tangling into my curls. "I do." He mumbled. "I really do. I thought we would eventually get married, have another kid. Maybe a dog."

I laughed, trying to hold back the tears of what could've been. "What would Nel have called you? Uncle Dad?"

"Maybe just Sam." He laughed and kissed my hair. "Didn't exactly think it through."

I nodded, smiling through the tears that were escaping my grasp.

"Listen, I know you weren't ever in love with me." He pulled back and held my face in his hands. "I could never be my brother."

"You don't have to be. Just be you. You're perfect."

"Just not perfect for you." He said sadly, looking away.

"Sam, listen to me. I am not the one for you. Not in that way. We are meant to stay up late and watch tv, prank Dean, and talk about everything. You're my best friend. You may be Nel's favorite person in the entire world. She's going to need you. I need you in my life. You're going to find a woman someday that is going to complete you in a way I never could. I believe that."

His green eyes met mine and he smiled a bit. "I hope you're right."

"I am right." I grinned. "And don't you fucking forget it."

He tussled my hair and grinned back at me.

"May I have this dance?" He asked holding out his hand.

"Yes you may."

We were back, and for the first time in a week I thought that maybe everything would be okay. Just maybe.

Dean

_Present_

The air in the room was thick. The wheels of my cart squeaked. I tried with everything I had to put space between me and the situation I was in.

Alastair's eyes followed me as he sung. "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak. I seem to find the happiness I seek, when we're out together dancing cheek to cheek..."

I pulled the cloth off the cart, revealing the tools I brought. It was surprising how many torture devices the angels had on hand. Guardians my ass.

Alastair laughed. "I'm sorry. This is a very serious, very emotional situation for you. I shouldn't laugh, it's just that...I mean, are they serious? They sent you to torture me?"

I avoided his face, focusing on a knife on the cart. Maybe I could get out of it before any blood was spilt. "You got one chance. One. Tell me who's killing the angels. I want a name."

"You think I'll see all your scary toys and spill my guts?"

"Oh, you'll spill your guts, one way or another. I just didn't wanna ruin my shoes." I forced a smile, my jaw tight. "Now answer the question."

"Or what?" He hissed with a wide smile. "You'll work me over? But then, maybe you don't want to. Maybe you're, ah, scared to."

I turned to him. "I'm here, aren't I?"

Alastair leaned forward in his chains. "Not entirely. You left part of yourself back in the Pit. Let's see if we can get the two of you back together again, shall we?"

"You're gonna be disappointed." I said turning back to the cart.

"You have not disappointed me so far. Come on. You gotta want a little payback for everything I did to you. For all the pokes and prods. Hm?"

"Just give me the demon's name, Alastair." I shrugged out of my jacket.

He snickered at me.

"You know something, Alastair? I could still dream. Even in hell. And over and over and over, you know what I dreamt? I dreamt of this moment." I picked up a needle and syringe. "And believe me, I got a few ideas."

I poured some holy water into a bowl, the rosary sloshing in the water. I stuck the needle in the water, pulling the plunger up to fill the syringe. I pushed the plunger a bit to get out the air. "Let's get started." I walked to him.

_Goodbye, Ave. I never wanted this. I don't want Nel to ever have to see me like this. I don't know who I will be when I walk out of here._

I swallowed hard and I shoved the needle into his neck, pressing the plunger. Alastair groaned loudly, trashing against the chains.

"Go directly to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars." Alaistar hissed. 

I pulled the needle out of his neck and walked back to the cart.

"Do you really think this is gonna fix you? Give you closure? That is sad. That's really sad. Sad, sad."

I dipped the demon blade in the bowl of holy water.

It's not going to fix me. I'm fucking ruined.

"I carved you into a new animal, Dean. There is no going back."

"Maybe you're right. But now it's my turn to carve." I said, running the knife over the skin on his face.

He screamed out in pain as his flesh fell to the floor.

I grabbed his hair in my first. "Who's murdering the angels?"

"You're just not getting deep enough. Well, you lack the resources. Reality is just, I don't know, too concrete up here. Honestly, Dean..."

I pulled away and grabbed the bag of salt.

"You have no idea how bad it really was, and what you really did for us." Alastair said through the blood rolling down his cheek.

I turned to him. "Shut up."

"The whole bloody thing, Dean. The reason Lilith wanted you there in the first place."

I walked to him, grabbing his chin. "Well, then I'll just make you shut up." I forced his mouth opened as I dumped the salt into his mouth. He cried out and spit bloody salt onto the floor. I moved away from him, back to the cart.

"Every night, the same offer, remember?And finally you said, sign me up. Oh, the first time you picked up my razor, the first time you sliced into that weeping bitch..."

I leaned on the cart, turning to look at Alastair.

He was smiling widely, his teeth covered in blood. "That was the first seal."

No. "You're lying."

"And it is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks, so shall it break."

My fists tightened at my side. It's all my fault. It's me. I did this, because I was too fucking weak.

"We had to break the first seal before any others. Only way to get the dominoes to fall, right? Topple the one at the front of the line." He laughed genuinely. "When we win, when we bring on the apocalypse and burn this earth down, we'll owe it all to you, Dean Winchester."

I turned away from him, trying to process. I rubbed my face. The wall I built inside me had crumbled.

"Believe me, son, I wouldn't lie about this. It's kind of a religious sort of thing with me."

I closed my eyes. It was over. It was fucking over. "No. I don't think you are lying. But even if the demons do win you won't be there to see it."

I grabbed the blade off the cart and turned back to him. My heart sunk. He was inches from me. He'd broken out of the trap.

Yup. Fucking over.

"You should talk to your plumber about the pipes." He said, gesturing to a break in the trap. He pulled his fist back, connecting with my already fractured jaw.

Ella

_About sixteen years later_

"What're you doing?" Jack asked, leaning against Uncle Sams door.

"Nothing." I said, getting off the floor.

"You were looking under Sams bed."

"Very perceptive." I said slowly, wiping the dust off my pants. "God does no one clean around here?" I asked with an awkward laugh.

"Really, Ellie, What're you doing?"

I sighed and tugged pulled my hair into a bun. "I'll tell you, but you have to keep the secret, Jackie. Okay?"

Jack grinned widely. He always wanted to be included. "Yes! I definitely will."

"Okay, listen to me. I am trying to find out more about my mom. No one talks about her, and with everything that's going on right now with Dad... I was just hoping maybe I could find out something from their past that could help."

"So why are you looking in Sams room?"

"I found this in Sams room when I was a kid. Every time I would bring up Mom they all got weird and so I just hid it." I said handing him the photo.

It was of Mom and Sam sitting snuggled together on the couch with me in between then. I couldn't be more than a few months old.

"So you think Sam will tell you about your mom?"

"No." I laughed. "I don't. I was just hoping there'd be something in his room, but it's military level clean in here."

"Maybe you should ask him." Jack offered.

"Ask me what?" Sam asked, walking up behind Jack. "Whatcha up to?" He asked with his arms crossed.

"Nothing." Jack and I said at the same time.

Sam raised an eyebrow and grabbed the photo from Jack. "What do you have here?" He frowned looking at the photo. "Hey Jack I think Cas needs you for something."

"Yeah, okay." Jack said scratching the back of his head. He shrugged to me before he turned and ran off in the opposite direction.

"Sit." Sam instructed.

I sighed and lowered myself onto his bed with my arms crossed.

"You took this from my room?" He asked, gesturing to the photo.

"Awhile ago." I admitted.

"Why?" He asked gently.

"Dad won't talk about her. You won't. Cas won't. I don't know anything about my Mom. I just... I just want to know something. Anything. Who was she?"

Sam smiled gently and sighed. He lowered himself next to me. "Your mom was one of a kind. Never met anyone like her before, or since."

"She looked happy here." I said softly touching her face on the photo.

"She was. We were happy."

"How old was I here?"

"A month old." He said softly. "You were so damn cute."

"Uncle Sam I am still cute." I smiled widely. "Will you tell me about her? Please..."

Sam took my hand in his. "Listen, kid. It's not really my place. Your dad should tell you..."

"He won't. Sam please. Anything."

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "She was my best friend." He said quietly. "She was really funny. She loved How I Met Your Mother, and she was a damn good detective. More than anything, though, she loved you." He said touching my nose. "It's like you pooped rainbows. Didn't matter what you did."

I smiled a bit. "What else?"

"She lived in Seattle when we first met her. She was the youngest detective at her job. She was good. In every sense of the word."

"You two havin a pow wow without me?" Dad asked, poking his head in the room.

"Nope." Sam said, pocketing the only photo I had of my mom. "Just tryin to convince my niece to go to homecoming. It'll be fun, kid." He said, patting my shoulder. "I promise."

"See, El." Dad grinned. "Everyone agrees."

"All of you need to butt out." I groaned standing up.

The conversation was over. Maybe on another day it would've been enough, but it wasn't enough for me. I'd had a taste, and I wanted more.

Dean

_Present_

I opened my eyes with a groan. My throat hurt, honestly my whole fucking body hurt. My soul hurt.

"Are you all right?" Castiel asked.

I turned, he was at my bedside. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.

I coughed a bit. "No thanks to you."

"You need to be more careful."

"You need to learn how to manage a damn devil's trap." Even talking hurt.

My jaw may have been busted completely, and my right eye was swollen shut.

"That's not what I mean. Uriel is dead."

"Was it the demons?"

"It was disobedience. He was working against us."

I sucked in my breath, hearing Alastair's voice ringing in my ears again. "Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?"

Cas paused briefly before answering. His hands were clasped in his lap. "Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to hell and we fought our way to get to you before you..."

"Jump-started the apocalypse."

"And we were too late."

I blinked away a few tears. "Why didn't you just leave me there, then?"

"It's not blame that falls on you, Dean, it's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it."

I shook my head. "Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean?" Cas stood up and I reached for him, my body screaming in response. "Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean?"

Cas met my eyes. "I don't know."

"Bull."

"I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you."

"Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not...I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me. It was never me."

 


	23. My Heart Beats for You

Ava

_Present_

"Dean..." I whispered, holding his hand. They'd put him in a medically induced coma. He had been beaten so badly this week that he had swelling on his brain. They assured me he would be awake soon. Castiel had wooshed into the cabin and told Sam and I what happened. I wasn't happy, to say the least. I'd been at the hospital for the last eleven hours. He was supposed to be waking up within the next hour. They'd need to wean him off the medication and then he should wake up. _Should._

"Hey." Sam said, poking his head in. "Look who came to visit."

He walked in holding Nel against his chest. I couldn't help it, I started to sob. I stood up and took my baby in my arms. "Hey little one. Daddy is going to be okay." She reached up and touched my wet cheek.

"He will." Sam promised, wiping my tears.

"We shouldn't have left." I sniffled, rocking Nel in my arms. She tugged on my hair, but I barely noticed. .

"From what it sounded like, it wouldn't have made a difference. They took him."

"Fucking angels.." My eyes perked up as I saw the familiar beige trench coat. "Castiel." I growled.

"How is his condition?" The angel asked flatly.

"Can we talk outside?" I asked with my jaw tight.

He nodded quickly and I looked to Sam, signaling him to stay by Deans side.

I pulled Castiel into the hallway and shut the door behind me.

"You need to heal him." I said insistently. "Now."

"It isn't that simple, Ava."

"Bullshit. He is hurt because of you. He didn't ask for this."

"I know. Fate is out of my control."

"Do I get an express trip to Hell if I bitch slap an angel?"

Castiel frowned. "Dean is a good man. I did not want to involve him."

"Then why did you?"

"It wasn't my call."

I pursed my lips and looked at my daughter that was sucking on her hands. "Do you see her?" I asked, turning her out so he could see her face. "I am grateful to you, Castiel. You brought my husband back. Now our daughter gets to know her father. I can't thank you enough for that. Don't you dare tell me you brought him back just to dangle him in front of me, and let him die now." I freely let my tears escape my cheeks.

"He is a wonderful man." I continued. "He deserves to know his daughter."

Castiel winced at my words. Maybe he was more human than I gave him credit for.

"Please help him."

His eyes flickered to mine. "It is not ethical for me to heal all of his injuries."

"But?"

"But I will take care of the serious ones. It was Uriel that allowed him to be injured. I will take responsibility for that oversight."

Cas started to walk into the room. I grabbed his coat sleeve. "Cas, listen to me. I know all about fate. I know about people expecting things from you." I said low, just to him. "So does Dean. You can think for yourself. The moment you start doing what you want to do, that's when you can be an honorable man. Honor means a lot to my husband. There isn't much he won't do for those he considers family. Those who fight alongside us." I let go of his sleeve, but he still seemed frozen in place. "Just something to mull on."

I walked back into the room, following Cas. He walked to Dean, and slowly pressed his palm to Deans forehead.

"What is..." Sam began.

I reached for his hand, to silence him.

Castiel closed his eyes and a warm light came out of his palm. The monitors attached to Dean seemed to even out. The beeps beam more methodic and less strained. He removed his hand, and I let out a sob of relief as Deans eyes slowly fluttered open.

I let go of Sam's hand and hurried to his side.

"Ave?" He asked, sounding pretty drowsy.

"It's me." I said gently. Nel reached for him with her fat fist and he smiled, taking her small hand in his.

“There's my girls."

I heard Sam and Cas leave, but I didn't see them. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was okay. "You're such a drama queen." I said, blinking away tears. "Always have to be the center of attention.."

"You know me." He smiled easily. Guess his jaw was fixed, too. "Hey." He murmured wiping a tear from my cheek. "Don't cry, sweetheart."

"I'm just happy you're okay. We both are."

He leaned forward and kissed Nels face, and then paused. "You're back."

"I'm back _back_." I said, putting my hand in his. "There's no one else for me, Dean. My heart beats for you." I said, accepting how lame it sounded.

"You just sayin that because I'm hurt?"

"Cas healed you." I said with a smile. "You're not _that_ hurt."

He frowned and sat up slowly. "He did what?"

"He healed you. He said he couldn't heal you completely, because the angels would be angry... but yeah. He saved your life."

"At what cost?"

"Honor." I smiled a bit.

"Honor?"

"Need to get your ears checked?"

"Maybe." He smiled, and opened his arms. "Come 'ere."

I crawled into his arms, and Nel and I laid against his chest, in between his legs.

"You sure you picked the right Winchester?"

"There was never any choice." I murmured against his chest. "From that first day in the bar we were supposed to be together. Look at our family, Dean." I said, gesturing to the baby that had fallen asleep in our arms. "She is all the proof I need." I kissed his chest, over his heart. "The fact that you're here, is all the proof I need. Sam is my best friend. That's it. That's all it ever was. All it ever will be."

He smiled and leaned down to capture my lips in his. I smiled against his lips, feeling the warmth of his chapped lips against mine. He tasted like hospital, but when his tongue touched mine I felt a shock I run through me. We were alive, and we were together. Maybe the world would burn down around us, but when the three of us were curled together like this, I felt invincible. Nothing else mattered.

Ella

_About 16 years later_

"I have a surprise for you." Claire said, leaning against the doorway to my room.

"Oh?" I looked up from my book I was reading. I was laying on my stomach with my feet in the air.

"Yup." She said walking to me. She crouched in front of me and held out a rose corsage.

"What the fuck, Claire?" I grabbed it from her and stumbled to sit up. "What is this?"

"It's a corsage." She blinked her beautiful blue eyes at me like _duh_.

"I know, but why?"

"Well, homecoming is coming up..."

I scooted to the end of the bed and took her hands in mine. "Claire Novak I told you I don't want to go to stupid homecoming. I don't need to wear a dress and be all vapid and take photos and dance. It's all so... pointless."

"Babe." She said with a mischievous grin. "Do you think I don't know you at all?"

"Is that a trick question?" I asked, eyeing her.

"Yes." Claire grinned. "We aren't going to homecoming."

"Thank god. Then why did you get me the flower?"

"Because, I convinced the Three Stooges that although you don't want to go to homecoming, you'd like to have some kind of homecoming. I asked if they could make themselves scarce so we could have homecoming alone in the bunker. They're surprisingly romantic." She grinned.

I eyed her. "So what? We are going to spend the whole night in bed?"

"I thought we would actually ransack the bunker for clues about your mom." She wrapped her arms around my waist, leaning in to kiss my neck. "But if you'd rather stay in bed, I could get behind that plan."

"Claire!" I grinned, tackling her on the bed. I pinned her arms down. "This is the best thing I've ever heard. You're a genius."

"Yes I am." She grinned widely. "Now kiss me, Winchester."

"Yes, mam." I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers.

"Now the only bad news is, they're decorating." Claire said gently when we finally pulled away for some air. "So we may actually have to get dressed so they can take our pictures."

"I thought the perks of not having a mom would be not having to do all the embarrassing pictures."

"The three of them are so much worse than a mom." Claire said, squeezing my hand. "But they love you, so I'm not mad about it."

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help smiling. She was right. "What am I supposed to wear to a bunker homecoming dance?"

"This." Claire said, walking into the closet and pulling out a dress that she must've stashed earlier in the week. It was green and made of tulle. The back was low and the top was a deep v.

I raised my eyebrow. "Did you pick that out?"

"I can appreciate the finer things." Claire said, pretending to be offended. "You look beautiful in green."

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "What about you?"

"Don't worry about me."

"I swear, Claire Novak, if you show up wearing jeans and a T-shirt I am coming for you."

"Promise you'll come for me?" She grinned tossing the dress on the bed before wrapping her arms around me.

I rolled my eyes, but my smile was growing on my cheeks. "Later." I promised giving her a quick kiss. "Let's get ready so we can kick them out."

"Deal." Claire said, making her way to her bedroom. She had her own room, but she spent all of her time in mine. Dad was just happy she couldn't get me pregnant, so I don't think it really bothered him. From all the stories I hear about him, he shouldn't be the romantic he is. He should be a player, but I see him differently.

I sat in front of my vanity and plugged in my curling iron. I barley ever did my hair and makeup, it seemed pointless to waste time on something so shallow. People found Claire and I so odd. We were opposites. I was a nerd and she was a badass. She liked dark makeup and cool edgy braids. I barely did anything to my appearance. She had the classic biker, badass clothes and I wore sweaters and nerdy T-shirt's exclusively. We didn't make sense to the world, but we made sense to each other.

I wasn't going to go crazy with the makeup, but Claire was doing a really amazing thing for me. I wanted to look nice for her. I put on my foundation, which was starting to dry out from lack of use, and I thought about my Mom.

I wondered if she liked dances when she was young, or if she thought they were lame. I put the nude lipstick on and fluffed my eyelashes with mascara. I looked like a different person. I looked kind of pretty.

I twisted my hair in the iron, burning my fingers. "Fuck." I shook my hand.

"Hey sailor." Dad said, poking his head in.

"Hey Dad. Sorry for the F bomb."

"You are my kid." He shrugged.

"Thanks for letting us have the place. It's really cool."

"You deserve it. You work really hard."

I turned and looked at him, deciding to test the water. "Sometimes I wish mom was here for this stuff."

"Me too." He said, his jaw tight. "She never wanted you to grow up without her. She grew up without her mom just like me, and it was really hard for her."

I met his eyes. He was in pain. "Can you curl the back?"

"Sure." He said relieved of the subject change.

He always did my hair when I was little. He would braid it, and when I got older he learned the hot tools. He effortlessly fixed the part of my hair I couldn't reach. "I'm going to put a braid in." He said, focusing. "I think it'll look nice."

I shrugged, and he braided my hair back. He showed me in the mirror and I grinned. "If hunting doesn't work out you should be a hair dresser."

He grunted, as he turned for the door. "Yeah, you're welcome."

"Dad." I said grabbing his hand.

"Huh? Yeah?" He turned to me.

"I don't mean to hurt you by bringing her up. You know that, right? I wish she was here, but it isn't because you aren't enough."

His eyes softened and he smiled. "I know, El." He leaned down and kissed my head. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do tonight."

"You got it." I winked at him.

I got into my dress and made my way out into the dinning room that was transformed. My three Dads really missed their calling. They should start a party planning business. They strung Christmas lights around to make the whole room sparkle, and there were clear and black balloons littering the ground. Music was playing over the speakers, and to my surprise it wasn't classic rock. I raised an eyebrow at Dad and he gestured to Sam.

My eyes finally landed on the most spectacular thing in the room. Claire. Her hair was down and rolling in flawless curls down her back. She had let out her braids and it made her whole expression a lot softer. Her lips were red as she smiled widely at me. Her dress was tight, short, and black. She was wearing heels. "Wow." We both gasped at the same time.

I walked to her and took her hands. "My girlfriend is _hot_." I grinned.

"So is mine." She squeezed my hands.

We leaned in and kissed and Cas applauded. "Young love is very nice."

We turned to him and busted up laughing.

"What?"

"Nothing." I said with a smile. "Nothing at all."

"Get together." Dad said, holding out his phone to take a photo.

We put our arms around each other and he took a few. "You look great." He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "Novak, take care of my girl."

"Always, old man." She smiled.

He frowned, looking annoyed. "I am not old." He grumbled.

"Alright." Sam said, picking up his duffle bag. "We are checking out a haunting in Iowa, so we should be back tomorrow. We will be in touch if it's longer."

I studied the men. _A haunting._ I wondered if they were lying. If they were really finding a solution for Micheal. I hoped they were.

"Sounds good." I said forcing a smile. I walked to Dad and wrapped my arms around his middle. "Be safe." I breathed.

When I was a kid it was so hard watching him go. I would cry and scream.

" _Hey, kiddo. You're okay. Dad will be back."_

" _But the monsters..."_

" _Monsters are scared of Daddy. I am a monster hunter." He pokes my nose. "Don't you worry, kiddo. I'll always come home to you."_

" _Always?"_

" _You got it."_

"You got it." He smiled, kissing the top of my head.

We watched them go and with the click of the door I met Claire's eyes. "Operation Mom is a go."

Claire kicked off her heels. "Wanna see the best part of this dress?" She said, eyeing mine.

"Yeah."

She grabbed the waist and pulled out a string and with a tug the skirt came off and I stood in a green satin romper. "This is awesome." I grinned. I felt the legs of the romper, but I figured it was just modest.

"I know my girl." She said, placing a kiss on my lips. "Now lets do this shit."

Claire found the blueprints for the bunker in a desk in the corner. "Now, if I was Dean Winchester and I wanted to hide something...where would I do it?"

"Well, its not under his pillow or mattress. I already checked." I said, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"What's this?" Claire asked pointing to a door at the end of a hallway. The hallway Dad's room was in. "Isn't this a dead end?"

My eyes flickered to hers. "Yeah, it is."

Claire grabbed her knife and we made our way to the hallway. I knocked on the wall, listening intently. There was an echo. "It's hollow."

Claire ran her fingers along the wall until she found the groove. She jimmied her knife into the edge and it swung open. "Secret passageway." She mused. "Just when I thought this place couldn't get any cooler."

It lead to a set of stairs that we descended. It was dark, but as we passed by the lights flickered to life. It was just a set of boxes in a big empty room. I walked to them crouching, and sure enough, we found the fucking jackpot. "Claire look." I said, blowing dust off a framed photograph. It was of my parents on a beach. They were kissing. My dad looked so young it made my heart squeeze. "I think this is there wedding." I said running my fingers over the picture. Uncle Sam was in the background, and he was grinning widely and clapping. The photo seemed like it could be from another life. I guess it was.

"They look really happy Ella." Claire said gently. "I can't believe that Dean Winchester is on a beach." She said squinting.

"Right?" I smiled, touching his cheek on the photo. "He loved her, didn't he?"

"I think he did." Claire said with a nod.

I sat down the photo, and dug back into the box. There were photos all throughout the box. Some of me as a baby. There was one from the hospital when I was born. I squinted. Uncle Sam sat behind my mom, his arms around her. She held me in her arms. She looked like she was crying. Maybe Dad was behind her?

"What'd you find?" Claire asked, raising her eyebrows.

I handed her the photo. "Do you think Dad took this photo?"

She frowned and looked over the photo.

"It's weird right?" I questioned, looking over her shoulder.

"Yeah." Claire admitted. "It is kind of weird."

I reached into the box and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it to find a letter written in what I had to assume was my moms handwriting.

_Dear baby,_

_Your dad asked me to marry him today. He's an idiot. He made a choice for us without consulting me, but don't worry we aren't fighting about it. I know he did it for the greater good. He saved us, you and me. He traded his life for ours, and I will make sure throughout your life that it wasn't made in vain. We will make him proud._

_I've talked about him a bit to you, but let me tell you in a little more detail, since you won't get to meet him._

_He is strong. You can tell physically by looking at him, but it is so much more than bronze. I've seen him make hard choices, impossible ones. When he isn't looking at me it's like he's seeing into his past, but he doesn't let it break him._

_He is funny. He has these annoying one liners. Sometimes they're a little hit or miss, but the thing is that your Dad is funny. Even when his jokes aren't, he gets this proud look on his face. He laughs at himself, and that's a skill everyone needs to survive in this world._

_He loves his damn car. I promise that I will keep it around so when you learn to drive you can learn on that same 67 Chevy Impala, just like he would want. It was your Grandpas and then it was your Dads. He loves that car._

_He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever seen. I can see it when he looks at me. He would die for us, and for Uncle Sam. He puts himself on the line every day to protect the innocent. He is a hero._

_So, maybe you're wondering why I didn't marry him. Why I said no. Why I said he's an idiot._

_Well, he is._

_He thinks a ring can erase what's to come. I wish I could protect you from the darkness, baby, but you are a Winchester. So I have a feeling darkness will always come for us. There is some coming already. By the time you read this that will be passed. You will be big, and strong just like your Dad._

_A ring is just a circle. A wedding is just a party. It doesn't define anything. It doesn't put a price on how much I love him. It doesn't make any of this any easier. It won't bring him back to us._

_I always want you to know, that even if we can't see him, your Dad is always with us. I carry him with me, in my heart, where I will also carry you. I want you to know that I love him. I always have, and I always will._

I ran my fingers over the smudge on the word define. "Claire..." I whispered. "There's something going on." _Why wouldn't I have met him? What the fuck is going on?_ I showed Claire the letter and she frowned. "He's been lying to me. She didn't think he was going to make it. What do you think she meant by trading his life for ours?"

"She said she wasn't going to marry him." Claire said slowly. "But we know she did." She reached into the box and pulled something out. She opened her fist to show me a ring in it. I took it out of her hand. A pair shaped diamond.

"She said he wasn't going to be here when I grew up, but he's here and she's not. She said she wasn't going to marry him... then she did. What changed?" I asked, rolling the ring in my hand. "I know it hurts him when I ask about her. I know he doesn't like it... But I can't do this shit anymore, Claire. I have to know what happened. Something changed after she wrote this. I have to know."

"You deserve to know." Claire said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I met her eyes. "I'm so worried about him, Claire. What if this ruins our relationship? He obviously doesn't want to talk about it for a reason..."

"He loves you. There's nothing you can do to ruin your relationship." Claire said, looking a little annoyed. "You're his kid, Ella. It's not up to you to worry about his feelings. He shouldn't keep your mom from you. It's selfish. You have what you need, and when he comes back you need to talk to him. It's time that you get the answers you need."

Dean

_About 16 years later_

"El we're back!" I said, walking in the door. I rubbed my head, I could feel Michael pushing against my skull, begging to get out. I shook my head. "El?" I walked back to her room.

"Hey kid." I said, poking my head into the room. I stopped in my tracks. She sat crisscrossed in the middle of her bed. She was surrounded by papers and photography. She was wearing Ava's favorite sweatshirt.

I swallowed hard.

"Dad we need to talk." She said looking up at me.

I knew her whole life that eventually she would ask about her mom. That I would have to tell her everything, I just kind of hoped I'd be on my death bed when it happened.

She held out a piece of paper and I walked to her, taking the paper from her. It was the letter from the night that I asked her to marry me. The night she agreed to be my wife. I blinked away a tear that threatened to escape me.

"Dad what is this? I deserve to know. I can't take anymore lies from you."

I looked at my daughter. She was the spitting image of Ava. I couldn't help but smile. "Okay.." I sighed. "Truth?"

"Truth."


	24. No One Ever Told You

Ella

_About sixteen years later_

"Truth." I stared at my father in front of me. My favorite person in the world. My rock. _He’s a liar_. "You owe me that much."

He pulled up the chair from my vanity and turned it so he sat with his legs on either side of the back of the chair. "There's a lot I need to say."

"I'll say."

He frowned, wringing his hands.

"Dad, this letter." I said gesturing to it. "What is she talking about?"

"I should probably start from the beginning." He said meeting my eyes. "Get comfortable."

I lowered myself back into my bed in a seated position, surrounded by the photos and papers I'd been over examining for the last two days while he'd been gone. "Okay."

"I met your mom on a case."

"She was a hunter?"

"No." He laughed, shaking his head. "She was a detective. A good one. Which made her pretty invaluable to us. She was the niece of your great uncle Bobby, who we already knew. He was like a second father to Sam and I. He would bail us out of jams all the time. This time he was pretending to be our superior officer in the FBI, and she recognized his voice."

"She caught you in a lie."

"Hell yeah she did. She was a spit fire." He met my eyes. "Just like you. Always gettin her nose into something."

I smiled a bit. "You do the same thing."

He shrugged. "Probably. Anyway we worked the case, and even when we told her to stay away... she wouldn't. She ended up getting hurt." His eyes dropped to the letter. "That's when I knew I wouldn't be able to live seeing her hurt. I didn't want her to come with me. I worried if she did she would get hurt."

"Let me guess," I began, finding myself engrossed. "She didn't take no for an answer."

The corner of his mouth tugged up in a smile. "You're exactly right. Sam didn't help, he wanted her to come. If I was being real, I wanted her to come. Somehow I knew I'd be better off with her. Just wish I would've seen that she wouldn't be better off with me." He sighed, rubbing his face, the letter crinkling in his hand.

"What do you mean?"

"She went on the road with Sammy and I. I couldn't fight it, ya know? I fell in love with her. She was a great hunter. Saved my skin multiple times. She was so beautiful, and we had something between us. Something we couldn't fight. We split up for almost a month, but even then we couldn't stay apart. She wasn't just another woman, El. She was my soul mate. Hell, she still is."

I got up and walked to him, squatting to look in his eyes. "Why did she tell you no when you asked her to marry you. If she was your soul mate?"

Looked at my father. He was hurting. I could tell by the wrinkles around his eyes. By the crease on his forehead. The image of him and my mom on their wedding day was burned into my eyes. He deserved to be happy. For once he deserved to be happy. To find joy. He deserved to not have a fucking arch angel stuck in his head.

He met my eyes. "She died."

"I know that."

"No, sweetheart. She died before that. She was possessed and... and she didn't make it. The demon told me about you. We didn't know she was pregnant and I lost it. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose you. I wouldn't."

I frowned, not understanding. "What are you talking about?"

"I made a deal. I made a deal and I didn't tell her. She was dead in my arms. I knew both of you were gone, and I couldn't have it. I made a deal."

"A deal..." I swallowed. I didn't want to believe what he was telling me. "Not a deal, deal?"

"I sold my soul. Fuck, I didn't want you to have to know that... I never wanted you to know that. I don't regret it, though. I never did."

"But you're here..."

"Cas pulled me out. I was given six months."

I covered my mouth. It was too much. "You sacrificed all of that for us?"

He reached out and he held my face. "You're my daughter. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Of course I would. I'd do it a million times over."

"And you kept it from Mom?"

"Of course." He laughed. "I couldn't tell her. Didn't want to make her mad. Didn't want her to look at me like you're looking at me." He said touching my nose.

"Sorry." I said quietly. "It's a lot."

"I know, baby girl."

"So what happened next?"

"I asked her to marry me." He laughed. "We were at a wedding, and she looked so beautiful. I knew I never wanted to be without her, and then... then she found out. She was angry. She was betrayed. She wrote that letter to you, and then she told me yes." He smiled. "I didn't do a lot of things right, Nel. I fucked up a lot, but I loved your mom. I loved her more than anything. You girls were my life."

He stood up, scratching his head, blinking away tears. "El... I... I want to tell you everything, but I need to do something first."

"Okay, Dad." I stood up, and he pulled me into his arms. He kissed the top of my head. I could feel his body shaking from the tears he was letting out into my hair. "There's nothing else making you sad, right? Just missing mom?"

"Right." He mumbled, wiping his eyes. "I'll be back later. Okay?"

I nodded and watched him walk away, knowing full well that he was still lying to me.

Ava

_Present_

"No way." I said, bouncing Nel on my hip. "You're not leaving."

I walked to Dean and rested my hand over his heart. "We just got you back."

Dean looked from me, to Sam and Cas. "Give us a second, guys?"

They nodded and slipped out of the room. "Ava," he began, taking my hand in both of his, keeping it over his heart. "I didn't tell you... I didn't know how."

"Didn't tell me what?"

"I started this. The apocalypse. I was the first seal... so I have to finish this."

I searched his face. Every freckle. The golden flecks in his green eyes. The love of my life. "Then I'm coming with you."

"I can't let you do that."

"You're my husband, my partner. You're not _letting_ me do anything. I'm not letting you go alone. You're not doing this without me."

He met my eyes gently. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." I said pulling him close. He wrapped his arms around Nel and I. "I'll see if Lacey will watch Nel."

Dean reached for Nel and pulled her into his arms. "Hi little one. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I should've." He pressed his forehead to hers. "But I have to save the world, baby girl. I have to save it for you."

—————————————-

"So you picked the OG Winchester?" Lacey asked, sipping her smoothie.

"He's my soul mate." I said simply. "Sams amazing... but Dean and I were made for each other."

"Does that mean Sam is on the market?" Lacey asked wiggling her eyebrows.

"Come on."

She laughed. "Yeah I'm kidding. Mostly."

"There's... uh... there's more."

"More? Like?"

"Like... the apocalypse." I winced, waiting for a reaction from her.

She pushed her short blonde hair behind her ear and leaned forward. "Excuse me, what?"

"Just like what you think. So I need to ask you a favor. Can you watch Nel?"

"Why?"

"Dean and I... this is our fight. We have to help."

"Help save the world?" Lacey grinned.

"Something like that."

"Well how can I say no?"

I took her hands in mind. "Thank you so much. For everything. You're a good friend."

"The greatest." She winked.

"I'm... I'm kind of worried. This is big, Lace."

"I know." She said quietly. "Why is it up to you guys to fix it?"

I shook my head. "I guess it's a Winchester thing. Ever since I met the boys they _always_ think it's exclusively up to them to fix everything."

"Is it?"

"This time, it might be."

I looked at my daughter, asleep in her carrier. My heart already ached at the sight of her. I didn't know how long I would be gone, and I knew it would be dangerous.

I rested my palm on her belly as it rose and fell with every breath.

"I won't let anything happen to her." Lacey promised.

"I know. I know you won't. Just... if something happens to me, or to us. If this ends badly I have to know she won't go into the system."

"Hey, don't do that shit. Okay? Y'all are Winchester's. Like you said. You will be okay. You'll save the world, and be home before she even notices you're gone."

I smiled a bit. "I hope you're right."

"And if I'm wrong, I won't have lied to you, because I won't let anything happen to her." She said reaching out, putting her hand over mine on Nels stomach.

"Thank you." I said, wiping my eyes.

"In other news." She said leaning in. "How was the makeup sex? Was it amazing? He looks like it'd be amazing."

I felt my cheeks heat up. I'd never had girlfriends so I wasn't used to talking about my sex life. "Honestly, it hasn't happened yet."

"What?! Oh, sweetie." She said, standing up. "I'm starting my babysitting duties early. Go home and be with your man." She said grabbing the carrier. "I'll bring her by later."

"Thanks." I said standing up. I pulled her into a hug. "For everything."

"Don't get all emotional on me, Winchester." She said hugging me back.

————————————————

Dean was leaned over the trunk of the Impala, organizing the weapons. He analyzed each knife to make sure it was sharp. He counted the bottles of holy water and the bullets. He restocked the salt and oiled the guns. He wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead.

"Hey." I said, approaching him.

"Hey back." He mumbled, not looking up at me.

"Hey." I said, again, touching his shoulder.

He turned to look at me, and I caught him in a kiss. Feeling the sweat on his upper lip. He dropped whatever he was holding into the trunk, and he wrapped his arms around me. He pressed his palm to my lower back to hold me pressed against him. His oily hands were probably leaving handprints on my yellow dress, but I didn't care.

I ran my fingers along his scalp, and down his neck. His eyelashes fluttered against my face as he sucked on my bottom lip, running his tongue along it. I groaned into his mouth and met his tongue with mine.

"Ava." He groaned into my mouth, letting his warm breath roll over my lips.

I bit down on his bottom lip, and he winced yanking me closer with force. We pressed so hard against each other, that it became physically impossible for us to be any closer than we were.

He grabbed ahold of my bare thighs and picked me up with one arm. He gripped my thigh in his hand, his callouses scraping against the skin of my inner thigh. I wrapped my legs around his waist, hiking his shirt up.

I scooted closer, pressing against the naked space on his stomach where his shirt was raised. His mouth opened slightly in shock as he realized that I wasn't wearing any panties. I smiled against his mouth and pulled him even closer.

He walked us around the car, his mouth never leaving mine as he threw the back door open. He lowered me into the backseat so I was laying on my back and he was hovering over me. He reached back and pulled his shirt over his head.

I ran my fingers over his chest, trying to memorize the way he looked. He was beautiful. The scar from where Castiel pulled him out of Hell was fading, but still there. I reached up and kissed it gently.

"You're something else, Sweetheart." He murmured, looking down at me. His cheeks were flushed and I could feel his pulse under my lips as I brushed them against his neck.

"Don't call me Sweetheart." I smiled, propping myself up. I undid each button that ran down the middle of my dress, exposing my naked body under it.

His green eyes widened as they looked over every inch of me. "Christ."

I smiled and shrugged out of the dress.

He ran his fingers along my body shaking his head. "How did I get so lucky?"

"The same way I did." I said pulling his face to mine. "I don't want to spend another day without having you."

"Me neither."

"Then take me, damn it." I said, not used to having to _ask_. Dean wasn't exactly delicate, but he had changed since he was back. Since he admitted what he'd done.

"Yes mam." He whispered, unbuttoning his pants.

He slid out of his jeans and hovered over me. It was just us in the universe. Us, and the Impala, like we had our own bubble. Even with my sweaty back sticking to the leather, and the car fogging up with our breath. I couldn't have imagined it better. I'd never had a man that knew every inch of me, from the inside out. Dean knew me, and I knew him. We rolled over the edge together, panting, with our heads pressed together. He lingered inside of me for a few minutes of quiet. A few minutes of us being one, before he pulled out and rested his face on my stomach.

"Are you on the pill?" He asked quietly.

"What?"

"Because if not, I definitely just got you pregnant."

I laughed and swatted his shoulder. "Dean Winchester! Don't ruin the moment!"

He smiled up at me cheekily, his eyes half closed lazily. I ran my fingers through his messy hair. He needed a hair cut. "I couldn't ruin it it I wanted too." He said slowly placing kisses under my breasts. "Plus, I loved you pregnant. I wouldn't mind another baby."

"Easy for you to say." I murmured, running my fingers along his back. "You're not the one who has to get fat and sick."

"You weren't fat." He said seriously. "You were the most beautiful woman in the world. Still are. Nothin you can do or say could change my mind."

I held his face in my hands. "You're right, you can't ruin the mood." I said pulling him back up to my mouth. "But I won't be pregnant. I am on the pill." I said kissing him softly.

"Sounds like a challenge."

Dean

_About 16 years later_

I stared at Ava's grave. A fucking polished stone. That's all that was left of the woman who gave me more than anything in the world. It was unfair. It was so fucking wrong.

"Hey, Ave." I said, lowering myself into a seated position. I leaned against the stone, yearning to touch her. "I remember you saying you did this with me when I was gone." I laughed. "Guess it's my turn."

"Nel is asking about you. She found all your stuff... maybe it's fucked up, but it's hard to talk about. All of it. I don't want her to have to experience it. She was so young... that was the only upside."

I shook my head.

"I wonder al the time, how things would've been different. How you would look now. If we would've had another child."

I shook my head, not bothering to fight the tears that were stinging my eyes.

"I do have another son. Not like how you would think... there's never been anyone else." I smiled sideways. "There's no one that can compare to you. You're it. There's just... this kid. Jack. He came to our responsibility, and Cas, Sam, and I are doin our best to raise him. I wish you could meet him. You'd love him. You'd know just what to say."

I laughed humorlessly. "Nel is so good with him. She's a great big sister. Oh and she's dating a girl. Real good one. They're in love." I winced. "She found love, Ave. That's all we ever wanted. She's so fucking smart... she's so much better than I am. She's everything. More than I could've dreamed. I just hope she doesn't hate me once she knows."

I pressed my palm against the headstone. "I hope you don't hate me, too."


	25. This is The First Day of My Life

Ella

_About fifteen years later_

I sat on the counter, my bare legs hanging down as I stuck my spoon directly into the pint of chocolate brownie ice cream. I had shrugged out of my button up, and was wearing my tank top and plaid uniform skirt. My hair was up in a bun. It was so fucking hot out. My Chemistry book was in my lap as I did my best to be studious. Even though I wanted to rip my hair out. My final was coming up and it was too damn much.

"You're not my father, Castiel! You may look like him, but you're not him."

"Claire," Castiel grunted. I could hear footsteps padding down the steps to my right. "Please slow down."

"No! I can't believe you brought me to a creepy underground bunker. You had no right!"

My eyes widened as a blonde girl about my age stormed into my kitchen. She wore a gray, ratty T-shirt under a black leather jacket with an excessive amount of silver zippers. Her hair was long with wild curls. She had obviously been crying by the black smudges under her blue eyes.

"This is bullshit!" She shouted, throwing her hands in the air. She turned and caught my eyes.

"Uh, hi." I said awkwardly.

"Do you have other girls trapped here?!" She asked, gesturing to me.

"I actually live here." I said, my spoon still in my mouth.

"I'll get your bags from the car." Cas said, awkward as ever.

"I'm El." I said, offering my hand out to her.

She eyed me, checking me out. "Claire." She put her hand in mine. "You a stray too?"

"Deans daughter."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Mhm." I looked her over. _Claire._ I'd heard that name before. Her words echoed in my head. "You're Jimmys daughter."

Claire's expression softened a bit, but her mouth was still stuck in a scowl. "I was."

"I'm sorry about your dad."

"Me too, but he's been gone for a long time."

"I can't even imagine losing my dad." I admitted.

"The goof in the flannel?"

I smiled a bit. "That's him. He's got a charm." I shrugged. "You get used to it."

"I won't." She said, folding her arms across her chest. "I won't be here long enough to get used to anything."

"It's not a bad set up. Good Wi-Fi. Lots of lore. Great shower pressure." I shrugged. "Not exactly a place to bring dates, but most girls don't have three dads. That has nothing to do with the bunker."

Claire winced. "Three dads. Hell I'd give anything to have one."

"I know Cas isn't your dad, but he's a good guy. He tries."

"I don't want to talk about him."

"That's fair." I said, taking another bite.

I could see her eyeing my ice cream, and I noticed how sharp her collar bones were under the swoop neck on her T-shirt. "Want some?"

She looked taken aback, but she slowly nodded. "Yeah, okay."

I reached under my legs to open the drawer and pull out another spoon. She hopped up on the counter to sit next to me, and dug her spoon in. "I have a chocolate problem." I admitted. "Especially when I'm stressed. I think it fixes everything."

"What're you stressed about?" She asked, eyeing my plaid skirt.

"Finals." I smiled cheekily. "I know it sounds dumb..."

"Nah. It's a nice change from the roller coaster I'm on."

"Are you in school?"

"Got my GED." She tilted her head to the side, sucking on her spoon. "School wasn't my thing."

I resisted the urge to reach up and wipe the makeup off from under her eye. "So no college?"

"I'm in the college of life." She said flatly.

"Hm."

"I'm surprised you're in school at all. If you grew up with hunters."

"Dad wanted a different life for me. He wanted me to have opportunities that he didn't have."

"Noble." Claire said taking another bite of the ice cream.

"Maybe." I said, closing my chemistry book. "But on the other hand, maybe it's not what I want."

Claire leaned closer to me. "And what do you want?"

"I'm still deciding." I looked down at my book, sitting it next to me. "But I haven't even had the opportunity to learn the hunt. He's worked so hard to keep it away from me. I love what they do. They save people, and I'm just in class reading a fucking book about theories."

Claire looked taken aback when I cursed and then she smiled a bit, mischievously. "You have some fight in you."

"I'm a Winchester." I smiled widely. "All we do is fight." I grabbed her hand. "I know you don't want to be here, but if you stay we will fight for you too."

Dean

_Present_

Things were way too fucking quiet on the apocalypse front. Sammy said he had some things to take care of. He wouldn't tell me what. Things seemed fine between him and Ave, but I wondered if he needed some time away from us, to get his head on straight. So I let him go. Even though it's against everything I believe in to watch my little brother walk away, I let him go.

I sipped my coffee in the kitchen and looked out the window at the sunrise. I never got up early, but I couldn't sleep. I never could anymore.

"Morning." Ava said, walking into the kitchen.

"Hey." I said, glancing at her.

"I have a present for you?"

I turned toward her and raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

She walked to me, the island in between us. She pulled her hand up and and sat down her newspaper. "I think I have a case."

Her eyes were glistening. Fuck she was beautiful. "Really? A case? Sam just left."

"I thought you and I could work it together."

I walked closer to the island, just the counter between us. I reached across and touched her cheek. "I'd like that." I admitted. "Tell me about the case."

——————————————-

"Uh... can I help you?" A young man behind the counter asked.

We were in a book store that carried a large selection of comics. We suspected a haunting, even if it seemed like a long shot.

"Sure hope so. Agents DeYoung and Shaw. Just need to ask you a few questions." I said, flashing my badge. Ava did the same next to me.

"Notice anything strange in the building, last couple of days?" Ava asked.

"Like what?"

"Well, some other tenants reported flickering lights." I said, glancing around.

The man scratched his head. "Uh, I don't think so. Why?"

"What about noises? Any skittering in the walls? Kind of like rats?" I asked.

The cashier squinted. "And the FBI is investigating a rodent problem?"

"What about cold spots? Feel any sudden drops in temperature?" Ava asked leaning into him.

A grin grew on the mans face. "I knew it! You guys are LARPing, aren't you?"

_Larping? The fuck is that?_ "Excuse me?"

The cashier gestures to us. "You're fans."

"Fans of what?" Ava asked, crossing her arms.

I tugged on the tie around my neck, feeling claustrophobic all of a sudden. "What is 'LARPing'?"

The cashier rolled his eyes. "Like you don't know. Live-Action Role-Play! And pretty hardcore, too."

I frowned, my eyebrows coming together. "I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You're asking questions like the building's haunted. Like those guys from the books. What are they called? Uh... "Supernatural." Two guys, use fake IDs with rock aliases, hunt down ghosts, demons, vampires. What are their names? Uh... Steve and Dirk? Uh, Sal and Dane?"

I swallowed hard and Ava and I exchanged a look.

"Sam and Dean?" She offered.

"That's it!"

My head was spinning. He didn't make any sense. How could he know any of this? "You're saying this is a book?"

"Books. It was a series. Didn't sell a lot of copies, though. Kind of had more of an underground cult following." He moved from behind the counter and walked over to the bargain bin and began to dig around. Eventually he came across a book and handed it to me. "That's the first one, I think."

"Supernatural by Carver Edlund." I frowned at the classic romance novel cover. "Along a lonely California highway, a mysterious woman in white lures men to their deaths."

Ava raised her eyebrows. We had suddenly forgotten about the case. "We're gonna need all the copies of Supernatural you've got."

Ava

We went back to the motel. Dean was getting obsessed with the books. If I was being honest, my head was spinning too. I sat crisscrossed on the window seat typing away on my laptop. I was doing research on the books about their lives. About my life. Dean lounged on the bed, reading intently.

"This is freakin' insane. How's this guy know all this stuff?"

"I have no idea." I said, glancing at him.

"Everything is in here. I mean everything. From the vampires on the beach to us having sex. I'm full-frontal in here." Dean stood up, rubbing his face. "How come we haven't heard of them before?"

I sighed and gestures to my screen. "They're not exactly popular, Dean. Kind of obscure. The publisher got put out about a dozen before they went bankrupt. The last one ends with you going to Hell. I'm in here too. It all is in here." I was suddenly happy that there wasn't another. I couldn't take him reading about Sam and I raising his child without him.

He took the laptop from me. "I reiterate. Freaking insane." His eyes widened. "Check it out. There's actually fans. There's not many of them, but still. Did you read this?"

"Mhm."

"There are Sam girls and Dean girls and... what's a slash fan?"

"As in... Sam-slash-Dean. Together."

Dean looked up at me over the laptop. "Like, together together?"

"Yup."

He looked disgusted. "They do know we're brothers, right?"

"I don't think they care." I laughed. "They say a lot about me too, look." I said, taking back the computer. "Ava's character is flatly written. Dean deserves someone just as complexly written as he is." I rolled my eyes.

"We got to find this Carver Edlund."

"I don't know if we can, babe. No tax records, no known address. Looks like Carver Edlund is a pen name."

Dean groaned. This was really getting to him. "Somebody's gotta know who he is."

"Well, I have an idea, but it might be a little crazy."

He leaned into me, putting his hands on either side of my face. "You know me, Ava Winchester. I live for crazy."

After some research, I found the location of the publisher. She was obscure, but surprisingly active on social media. Not only did she publish the books, but she ran the official fan club. It wasn't hard to locate her house.

Dean and I stood in her kitchen. She poured us each a glass of iced tea. "So you published the Supernatural books?"

"Yep. Yeah. Gosh. These books... You know, they never really got the attention they deserved."

I forced a smile. "Right. Well, we're hoping that our article can... shine a light on an underappreciated series."

"Yeah, yeah, because, you know, if we got a little bit of good press then maybe we could start publishing again." She pushed her glasses up her nose. She was bouncing in her shoes.

Dean raised his eyebrows, throwing his hands up. "No, no, no, no. God, no. I mean, why would you want to do that? You know, it's, uh, such a complete series, what with Dean going to Hell and all."

_Nice recovery_.

The publisher, but her hand on her chest in a swoon. "Oh, my god! That was one of my favorite ones, because Dean was so strong and sad and brave. Watching him give up everything for Ava. It was beautiful. I mean, the best parts are when they'd cry. Gosh... if only real men were so open and in touch with their feelings."

I snorted a bit, biting the inside on my cheek. I did my damndest to keep it together.

"Real men?" Dean asked flatly.

"I mean, no offense. How often do you cry like that, hmm?"

"Well, right now, I'm crying on the inside."

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"Lady, this whole thing is funny."

I elbowed him gently.

The publisher took off her glasses. "How do I know you two are legit, hmm?"

"Oh, trust me. We, uh... we're legit."

"Well, I don't want any smart-ass article making fun of my boys."

"No! We would never." I jumped in. "We are big fans. Really."

"Hmm. You've read the books?"

"Cover to cover." Dean agreed.

The publisher crossed her arms in defiance. "What's the year and model of the car?"

"It's a 1967 Chevy Impala."

"What's May 2nd?"

"Sams birthday." I said, wincing, knowing it was coming up.

"What is the gender of Ava and Deans baby?"

"A little girl." I said, itching to reach for his hand.

"Dean's favorite song?"

"It's a tie. Between Zep's Ramble On and Traveling Riverside Blues."

The publisher grinned. "Okay. Okay. What do you want to know?"

"What's Carver Edlund's real name?" I asked, leaning forward

"Oh, no. I... No. Sorry, I can't do that."

"We just want to talk to him. You know, get the story in his own words." I said weakly.

"He's very private."

"It would mean so much to us. Like I said," I stepped to Dean, unbuttoning his shirt. He looked at me suspiciously, but allowed me to continue. I exposed his anti possession tattoo. "We are big fans."

The publisher looked weak seeing Deans skin. She fanned herself a bit. "Okay." She took out a pen and paper and started to write. "His name's Chuck Shurley. And he's a genius, so don't piss him off."

Dean

_Present_

The front door swung open after a few brisk knocks. A man with an unkempt beard and shaggy hair squinted at us.

"You Chuck Shurley?" I asked.

"The Chuck Shurley who wrote the Supernatural books?"

The man eyed us. "Maybe. Why?"

"I'm Dean. This is Ava. The Dean and Ava you've been writing about."

The door shut in my face. I groaned and pounded on it again. It creaked open.

"Look, uh... I appreciate your enthusiasm. Really, I do. It's, uh, it's always nice to hear from the fans. But, uh, for your own good, I strongly suggest you get a life." Chuck tried to shut the door again, but I put my arm in the way, stopping it.

"See, here's the thing. We have a life. You've been using it to write your books."

I pushed my way past him into the house, Ava following behind me.

"Now, wait a minute. Now, this isn't funny."

"That's the understatement of the year." Ava laughed dryly. "We just want to know how you're doing it."

"I'm not doing anything."

I turned to him. "Are you a hunter?"

"What? No. I'm a writer."

I raised my eyebrows, crossing my arms. "Then how do you know so much about demons?" I stepped closer to Chuck, causing him to fall backwards on the couch.

"What do you want?" He stumbled over his words.

"I'm Ava, and this is Dean. Sam isn't here, but he's real too."

Chuck shook his head. "Ava, Sam, and Dean are fictional characters. I made them up! They're not real!"

"The fuck we aren't." I said, grabbing him by his ratty T-shirt. "Get up."

We walked him to the Impala, and I popped the trunk, showing him our full Arsenal.

"Are those real guns?"

"Yup. This is real rock salt, these are real fake IDs." I explained.

"Well, I got to hand it to you guys. You really are my number one fans. That's, that's awesome. So, I...I think I've got some posters in the house."

"Chuck, stop." I said putting my hand up.

"Please. Wait. Please, don't hurt me." Chuck said cowering in front of me.

Ava laughed a bit and walked toward him. "How much do you know? Do you know about the angels? Or Lilith breaking the seals?"

Chuck looked at her in shock. "Wait a minute. How do you know about that?"

"No. The question is how do you."

"Because I wrote it?"

"Wait." Ava began. "You kept writing?"

"Yeah, even after the publisher went bankrupt, but those books never came out. Okay, wait a minute. This is some kind of joke, right? Did Phil put you up to this?"

I sighed and punched the bridge of my nose. "Well, nice to meet you. I'm Dean Winchester, and this is my wife, Ava."

"The last names were never in the books. I never told anybody about that. I never even wrote that down."

"Now you're getting it." Ava said.

Chuck looked weak, so we each took a side of him and took him back inside.

He sat in the sitting room, and poured himself a whiskey. "Well, there's only one explanation. Obviously I'm a god."

Ava laughed and shook her head. "Yeah, you are not a god."

"How else do you explain it? I write things and then they come to life. Yeah, no, I'm definitely a god. A cruel, cruel, capricious god. The things I put you through. The physical beatings alone."

I shrugged. "Yeah, we're still in one piece."

"I killed Ava in front of you. I killed your mother... both of your mothers. All for what? For entertainment?"

"You didn't create us, Chuck." I said gently. "You're not god."

"We think you're probably just psychic." Ava added.

"No. If I were psychic, you think I'd be writing? Writing is hard."

Ava sat next to him. "It seems that somehow, you're just... focused on our lives. On Sam and Deans."

"Yeah, like laser-focused. Are you working on anything right now?" I asked.

Chuck gasped, suddenly rising. "Holy crap."

"What?" Ava asked, watching him rifle through papers on his desk.

"The, uh, latest book? It's, uh, it's kind of weird. I uh, I wrote myself into it. I wrote myself, at my house... confronted by my characters."

Ava and I exchanged a look again. _What the fuck is going on?_

Ava took the papers from him.

"So... You wrote another chapter?" I asked.

"Dean," Ava said, scanning the pages with her eyes.

"What?"

"If this is real... it's... fuck it's bad."

"What is?" I asked, my eyebrows coming together.

"It's Lilith." Chuck said, meeting my eyes. "She's coming for Sam."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have adjusted the timeline a bit so Claire is only about 2 years older than Eleanor, instead of being in her twenties in the present day. :)


	26. The Winchester Way

Sam

_Present_

Dean and Ava had been calling, trying to get me to disengage. Lilith was coming for me. I didn't understand how they knew, but it didn't really matter. I could take her. I'd been working up to it. I sat in the dark in my motel room. I knew she would find me, so I didn't bother looking for her. It was up to me. I knew I was the only one to stop her, and if Dean and Ava were here I wouldn't be able to. We were weaker together.

The door opened and a blonde entered. "Hello, Sam." She purred.

She was no longer a little girl, but I'd recognize those white eyes in the darkness anywhere.

"I've been waiting for you."

Lilith smiled a bit, she looked almost coy. It made my blood run cold. "Where's the knife, Sam?"

"On the nightstand. By the bed." There was no use lying.

She walked toward the bed, eyeing the knife that gleamed in the moonlight through the window of the motel room. She paused and knelt down. She lifted the corner of the rug to expose my, evidentially not so cleverly placed, devils trap. She rolled her eyes, and met mine as she pressed her finger to the trap. I watched the mark seem to ignite in front of me and burn away to nothing. "You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that." She said sweetly.

"How 'bout this?" I said, standing from my seated position. I'd been practicing. I'd been draining demons. Studying with Ruby. Somehow, Ava leaving me may have been the thing that saved the world. I wasn't distracted. I didn't have anything left to lose.

I held my hand out, palm flat toward her and I concentrated on her. On the smoke within her, willing it out, willing it to burn up inside the poor woman that happened to be her host.

Lilith's hair blew back, like from a gentle sea breeze, but she was otherwise undisturbed. A grin grew on her cheeks, as she let out a giggle. "You're strong. But you're not that strong. Not yet."

Rage bubbled in my chest. I didn't make a dent. I wasn't strong enough. "So why don't you throw me around then?"

She moved closer to me, and licked her lips before speaking. "Because I can't, and you know it. You're immune to my charms." She reached out and ran her fingers along my chest. She was taunting me. Testing me. "Seems we're at a stalemate."

"Why are you here?"

She shrugged and turned away, to look out the window at the almost empty parking lot. "To talk."

I frowned. "Yeah, well, I'm not interested."

She put her hands up in surrender. "Hmm... even if I'm offering to stand down? From the seals... the apocalypse... all of it?"

I folded my arms across my chest. "You expect me to believe that?"

"Honestly?" She fluttered her eyelashes before smirking. "No. You were always the smart one, but it's the truth. You can end it, Sam. Right here, right now. I'll stop breaking seals, Lucifer keeps rotting in his cage. All you have to do is agree to my terms."

I examined her, trying to catch a whiff of her lie. Of what game she was playing. She was a demon, though, they were all games. All deceit. "Why would you back down? Why now? It doesn't make any sense."

She pursued her lips. "Turns out, I don't survive this war. Killed off, right before the good part starts."

"What do you want?" I asked skeptically.

"For it to go back to the way it was. Before I had angels to deal with 24/7. The good old days, when it was all baby blood all the time." She said dreamily, staring at the moon out the motel window.

I considered this. It was easier when we were just hunting demons. When there wasn't a war looming around every corner. "And what do you want in return?"

She turned to me, her milky white eyes almost glowing in the darkness, a sinister Cheshire Cat smile growing on her cheeks. It almost was too big for her face, like the corners of her mouth were ripping open. "Your head on a stick. Dean's, too. Call it a consolation prize. So what do you say, Sam? Self-sacrifice is the Winchester way, isn't it?"

I laughed out loud, running my fingers through my hair. "You really think I'm stupid enough to fall for this?" _Who the fuck would save everyone if we went up to the chopping block?_ "Why should I believe you?"

"If I make a deal, I have to follow through. Those are the rules, and you know it. Are you really so arrogant that you would put your life before the lives of six billion innocent people? Maybe it's all that demon blood pumping through your pipes." She smiled sinisterly. "Man after my own heart."

"You think I'm like you? I am nothing like you." I growled my fists clenching at my side.

What if she was telling the truth? She made a valid point... I was willing to die for the cause, but Dean? He just got back. Just got to meet his daughter. From experience, I know that Ava and Nel were almost impossible to walk away from. But if we didn't do it, they would have Hell on earth.

"Then prove it. Going once." She turned and walked to the bed. I raised an eyebrow. "Going twice."

My heart pounded. _Make a decision Sam! What would Dean do?_ "Fine."

Lilith turned to me with a smile. "Swell. By the way, a contract with me will take more than a kiss." She lowered herself onto the bed and hiked up her skirt. "A lot more. Don't worry. The dental hygienist in here? She wants it bad." She petted the bed next to her, and I swallowed hard.

I walked to her.

I had no intention of following through. I couldn't. Dean never would submit to a demon, no matter what. I leaned over her, and she touched my leg running her fingers up my thigh. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as her eyes flickered white in front of me. She grabbed my collar and pulled me down on top of her. She pulled her mouth to mine, and I allowed her to slide her tongue in my mouth. I hoped the distraction would be enough. I grabbed the knife and went for her gut, but she was too fast. She gripped me tightly and flipped us over. She sat on top of me and held the knife to my throat. "Tsk tsk tsk. We could've had something, Sam." She hissed.

I gasped slightly as I felt the blade breaking the skin on my neck.

The door splintered open with a hard thud, causing Lilith to turn.

"I am the prophet Chuck!" A man with a scruffy beard shouted as he burst through the door. Ava and Dean were on either side of him.

Lilith raised an eyebrow, looking bored. "You've got to be joking."

She moved off of me, releasing the knife from my throat. She walked to the man.

"Oh, this is no joke." Dean said darkly.

Like an earthquake, the room began to tremble. I held onto the headboard to keep from being tossed off the bed from the commotion. A white light poured in through the window, lighting up the room.

"You see, Cas let us know that Chuck here's got an archangel on his shoulder. Being a prophet and all... well lets just say that the angels end up being a little over protective. You've got about 10 seconds before this room is full of wrath and you're a piece of charcoal. You sure you want to tangle with that?"

Lilith gave me a look like, _this isn't over_ , and opened her mouth. Smoke screamed and poured out of her mouth, and through the open door into the darkness.

Dean

We had dropped Chuck back off at home. His Arc Angel didn't need to make an appearance after all. Ava was dozing in the back seat as we drove back into town. "So a deal, huh?"

"That's what she said."

"To call the whole thing off...angels, seals, Lucifer rising, the whole nine?" I eyed him.

"That was the gist of it."

"Huh."

Sam turned to me. "What?"

I clicked the windshield wipers on as rain started to cover the windshield. "You didn't think once about taking it?"

Sam shook his head. "I did for a second, but she would have found some way to weasel out of it. And all it would have cost us was our lives. I couldn't do that to Ave and Nel."

I sighed and gripped the steering wheel, squinting at the road. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Anyway, that's not the point."

I glanced at my little brother. "What's the point?"

"The point is, she's scared. I could see it. Lilith is running."

"Running from what?"

"Don't know. But she was telling the truth about one thing."

"What's that?"

He stared at me intently, curling his fingers into a tight fist. "She's not gonna survive the apocalypse. I'll make sure of that."

I'd never been afraid of my brother before, but there was a darkness in him then that I couldn't place. I swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, man. We'll get her."

Sam

_About sixteen years later_

I leaned forward on the table, with my phone pressed to my ear. "Sorry," I sighed. "I'm just, I'm worried, ya know? Ever since we locked Michael up, Dean's been strange. He just packed up and left, and then he hugged me."

"That's sweet?" Mom said, like she didn't understand.

"Mom, we don't hug." I shook my head, standing up. "I mean, we do, but only if it's literally the end of the word. Ya know?"

"He'll be home soon. I'll look after him."

I wanted to believe her.

"I'll get to the bottom of this." She promised.

"Maybe you're right." I rubbed my face. "Maybe he just needs some space."

"And for now we have to respect that."

"Yeah." I agreed with a tight jaw. "Thanks."

"Love you." Mom said into the phone.

"Me too." I mumbled before hanging up.

I had no intention of leaving it alone. That's not how Dean and I worked.

"Hey." El said, coming in rubbing her eyes. She'd been studying pretty intensely last time I saw her. "Where's Dad? I was thinking we could order a pizza."

"He, uh, he went to see Grandma Mary at Donna's cabin."

She frowned and crossed her arms. "Why?"

"Just missed her, I guess." I said, distracted as I picked up my duffle bag, that was always ready to go by the door.

"And where are _you_ going, Sam?"

"Huh? Oh nowhere."

"Yeah, bullshit. You're going to the cabin. What's going on?"

"Nothing." I forced a smile and dug a twenty out of my wallet and tossed it to her. "Get some pizza. I'll see you tomorrow."

She narrowed her eyes. "No way. If you're going, I'm going."

"You have school." I shook my head. "I've already let you skip once this month. If you're going to graduate with honors you need to actually go to class."

"Come on Sam!"

"Don't come on, me. I went to Stanford. I know about getting into good schools. That's what your dad wants. He doesn't want you following him around the US. He's fine. Order the pizza. I'll see you tomorrow."

I didn't mean to be harsh with her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but fuck. Something was wrong. I knew it in my gut, and he already had a head start. I added a few extra provisions to my bag and headed to the car.

I tossed my bag in the trunk and slid into the front seat starting the car. I pulled out of the garage and headed toward Donna's cabin.

We were able to get Michael locked away inside Dean's head. It was obviously not a permanent solution, but it was what we had. There was something wrong, though. More than Dean would say. I could hear him pacing at night, and staring off into space. He seemed to wince at every loud noise. He wasn't all there. He was afraid.

Whatever was going on he was trying to ride it alone, and we learned a long time ago that it isn't just up to one of us to solve a problem. We were a team. It was a shame that it took our whole fucking lives to figure that out, but here we were. He was still running away.

He was running to Mom, and I just couldn't figure out why.

I was about thirty minutes from the cabin, when I turned off my podcast. I needed to think.

I frowned and slowed the car down. I hadn't heard the sound before, because the radio was up, but now I could hear a distinct, but soft breathing. I grabbed my gun that rested in the passenger seat, slammed on my breaks and turned quickly behind me, pointing the gun at the intruder in my backseat.

"El? I could've killed you!"

My niece was curled on the floor behind our seats, holding her own gun pointed at me. She grinned widely. ""Some hunter you are! You didn't even check the back seat. God Sam haven't you Seen zombie land?"

"I'm a little distracted." I admitted, lowering my weapon. She did the same, and scrambled to sit up on the seat. "You were supposed to be at home."

"He's my Dad, Sam. There's something going on with him. He was supposed to be back to tell me more about Mom, and instead he goes on a spontaneous road trip to visit Grandma? It all seems too weird."

I sighed. "I know. Listen, I don't want to worry you..."

"You're worried, though, I can tell. I'm almost seventeen. You should trust me more."

"You're old for your age, kid. You know that?"

"Having three hunter Dad's does that to a girl." She rested her hand on my shoulder, and I felt a bit more relaxed. "What do you think we're walking into?"

"I honestly don't know. How did he seem with you earlier?"

"Sad." She admitted.

"With me too."

"Well, let's get back on the road. Our best bet is to get to him as soon as possible so he doesn't do something stupid."

I smiled weakly at her. She shouldn't have to deal with any of this. Sometimes I wondered what her life would've been like if we hadn't lost Ava. Maybe she would've had a normal life. Maybe.

We pulled up to the cabin. It was dark. "Maybe they're asleep." El offered. "We should take a look around." She commented.

I scanned the yard. There was a light on in the shed out back. "Follow me." I instructed. "Stick close."

She nodded, and held her own gun. Dean would be pissed if he saw her with that, but I was a little proud, if I let myself be honest.

We crept toward the shed and I peaked in the window. "What the fuck?" I whispered.

"What?" She asked, trying to see over me. I couldn't let her look. "What, Sam?"

"Nothing."

"Fuck off." She whispered, and took off to the door. It was cracked open, letting a ray of light into the yard. She peered into the shed before I could stop her. "Oh my god." She covered her mouth.

I went up behind her and slowly opened the doors to expose a coffin. I walked to it, examining it. There was a large, intricate marking in the lid. It was made of steel.

"Sam." El said, calling me over. She held a notebook. When I got closer I could see tears rolling down her cheeks.

I took the book from her. The pages were open to the blueprints for the coffin. A magical coffin that can keep anything contained. Even an arc angel He'd written something in the margins.

_Bury?_

_Concrete?_

_Ocean?_

The ocean was circled three times. A pit grew in my stomach. He was going to lock himself in and throw it into the fucking ocean, and worst of all Eleanor saw it. She knew everything.

"We can't let him do it, Sam." She gripped my arm tightly, all the color draining from her face.

"We won't." I promised. There was no way in hell we would let him do it. We couldn't lose him, too.


	27. The Mistakes We Made

Ella

_About sixteen years later_

I pushed past Sam and stormed to the house. I banged on the door hard with a closed fist. Sams reflexes were slow from the shock on his face. We have been here before with Dad. I would never forget the Amara bomb plan, or getting rid of the mark of Cain by tossing himself to the fucking moon.

I have said goodbye to him more times than I could count. Today would not be that day. "Open up!" I shouted.

"The fuck is going on?" Dad asked, opening the door. He was rubbing his eyes, and somehow he looked young to me. Too young to rot in a metal coffin at the bottom of the fucking ocean. "El?"

I reached up and slapped him across the cheek as hard as I could. "A fucking coffin?! And what you weren't even going to say goodbye, you coward!" I pushed his chest.

He stared at me with his mouth open. Hot tears rolled down my cheek.

"Sammy give us a second." He said, holding the side of his face that my hand collided with. "Let's go for a walk, kid."

He put his hand on my back and lead me out to the yard. He was barefoot in sweat pants and a T-shirt. "What're you doing here, sweetheart? It's late."

"Don't change the subject." I said, turning to him. "I won't let you do this."

"I'm the parent." He said gently. "You don't get to _let_ me do anything."

"That's bullshit and you know it! We have never been like other families. We are a team."

"Ella, listen. There's no other way out. We have tried." He tapped his forehead. "Micheal is in here. He's banging away. He is going to chip away at me, and the moment he does he is going to blow up this world." He took my chin in his fingers. "Including you, baby girl. I can't let that happen."

"It's not just up to you." I said lowly. "It isn't over, Dad. We are still trying..."

"Shh. It is over." He looked sad, and tired.

"Is this about Mom?"

"What?" He laughed shaking his head. "No, of course not."

"I brought her up and now you want to basically kill yourself. What am I supposed to think?"

"Listen." He said, leading me to a bench. We sat down side by side. "I loved your mom. I still do. She was my everything, and when we buried her... I buried a piece of me with her. You didn't do anything wrong bringing her up. You deserve to know."

"But I don't deserve to know about this? What? You're just not going to say goodbye?"

"How can I say goodbye to you? You're a part of me. The best parts of me."

"So you were just going to go hide away and die like an animal?"

"Kind of."

I smacked his shoulder. "That is the stupidest shit I've ever heard. You weren't going to say goodbye to _me_ , to Jack, Claire, Cas, not even _Sam?_ "

"Sam could talk me out of it." He sighed.

"And I couldn't?"

"You won't understand until you have children. You can't live if the world is blown up."

"But Sam can?"

"Sam, and your mom were my weakness." He grinned. "I couldn't be logical with them, I have to be logical with you. I'm your Dad. I've gotta be fatherly."

"You're doing a bad job." I said. I knew I was pouting like a child, but I didn't care. "You're not gonna walk me down the aisle at my wedding?"

"You'd have Sam and Cas."

"I know I say I have three Dads, but they aren't you. You know they aren't you." I grabbed his hand. "Don't do this, Dad, please."

"I'm doing this, Ella. I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear. I'll hold off as long as I can, but when the time comes, and it will come, you have to let me go."

——————————————-

I laid in bed, with the blankets over me. I hadn't moved all weekend. Sam and Dad were on another case, leaving Jack and I home alone.

He knocked on the door to my bedroom. "Ellie can I come in?"

"Do you have chocolate?"

"Of course."

"Then yes." I said, opening up the blanket.

He walked and crawled into bed with me. We wrapped up inside the blankets, and Jack opened up the candy bar, passing me half. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"Dean is going to go in the coffin?"

I sighed and touched Jacks nose. "Little Jackie... we won't let him. We can't. He's our dad."

"I hope you're right." He said quietly.

"Come here, kiddo." I said, opening my arms. He scooted closer to me and snuggled in, closing his eyes.

"It's almost your birthday. What do you want?"

"I just want Dad to be happy." I whispered, closing my eyes. "It's all I've ever wanted."

Ava

_Present_

We were at the house, leaning against the kitchen counter. Dean's arms were wrapped around me as I nursed my coffee to try to stay awake. The Lilith encounter was way too close for comfort. "Sam, can I see your phone?"

"Sure." He said with a shrug. There were bags under his eyes but he still looked wired.

I chewed the inside of my cheek as I grabbed the phone out of the air. "Oh, so it was on." I showed the messages to Dean. We had called Sam a dozen times to get him know Lilith was coming, and he had listened to them.

"You got our messages?"

"What? Uh, yeah I guess."

"Why didn't you run?" I asked, gripping his phone in my fist. "You had to know you couldn't handle that. Lilith is a bad bitch, Sam."

"I could handle her." He countered.

Dean frowned. "Obviously not. What is this about, man? You have a death wish?"

"No." He groaned. "I've just been preparing, ya know?"

"No. I don't think we do." Dean growled back.

My eyes widened. I did know. I closed my eyes tightly. _No fucking way._ I took out my phone and shot Bobby a quick text.

"Sam, you aren't..."

"He isn't what?"

I met Deans eyes and tried to will an image in his head. I eyed Sam and his eyes widened.

"Sam!"

"Okay, don't freak out." Sam groaned.

"The time for freaking out is long gone." I said, raising my hands. I gently pressed my foot against Deans, signaling him to follow my lead.

"Come on." Sam said with a sigh. "Let me have it. Take a swing. It was a shitty idea."

"I'm not gonna take a swing." Dean said, not missing a beat.

"Then scream, chew me out."

"We're not mad, Sam." I said gently, taking Deans hand.

"Come on. You're not mad?"

"Nope."

"We get it," I began, "You were just trying to save the world."

"Right. Look, at least let me explain myself." Sam was wringing his hands, a bead of sweat on his brow. He looked cracked out, his eyes wild.

"Don't. I don't care."

"You don't care?"

Dean sighed, tiredly. "What do you want me to say, that I'm disappointed? Yeah, I am. But, mostly, I'm just tired, man. I'm done. I am just done."

Sam's cell rang in my hand, and I tossed it to him. He glanced at it before answering. "Hey, Bobby. What's going on? Yeah, sure we will be right there."

"What'd he say?" Dean asked carefully.

"Some kind of demon problem. He needs us to come right away."

I nodded. "Lacey's still here. We should be good to go."

We made our way to Bobby's. Dean's hand gripped mine tightly, his knuckles white. This wasn't what we wanted. Fuck it was the exact opposite. I wish I'd seen the signs earlier. He was manic. He was drinking demon blood again.

"Well, thanks for shaking a tail." Bobby said as he walked us down to the panic room in his basement.

"Yeah, you got it." Dean said weakly.

We hung back a bit, allowing Sam to go head. He opened the door wide. "Go on inside. I wanna show you something." Bobby instructed.

Sam waltzed right in. The blood was making his instincts weak, or maybe he just didn't expect us to betray him. "All right. So, uh, what's the big demon problem?" He asked, turning to us.

"You are. This is for your own good." Bobby said, closing the door and pressing the lock into place.

Sam rushed to the window on the door and pressed his face to it. "What? This isn't funny.. Ava come on, you aren't going to leave me here?"

"You're dangerous, Sam." I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

My words barely left my mouth before Dean slammed the window shut, clicking the lock.

"I'm gonna head up and make some Joe, you kids want any?"

"Make it a double, Bobby." I sighed. "Have you called John?"

"I think we should leave him out of this." Dean said, collapsing on the stairs. He put his face in his hands. "Everything is black and white with Dad. He ain't gonna like this."

"Okay." I said lowering myself next to him.

Bobby creaked up the stairs, shutting the door to give us some privacy.

"I don't know what to do." Dean said desperately. "Everything is falling apart."

"Hey, it's okay." I said, looping my arm in with his. "Sam will get through this."

"Is this my fault? Maybe I should've stayed dead."

"Christ, Dean. No, of course it isn't your fault." _If anything it's mine._

"He's my little brother, Ave. I'm supposed to look out for him."

"He's a grown man, Dean. You can't make all of his decisions for him."

He wrapped an arm around me. "Lilith could've killed him."

"I know." I murmured, staring at the door to the panic room.

"This is gonna end bloody, I just know it."

"Yeah," I said turning to him. I rested my legs on his. "It will. We will kill Lilith, we will stop the apocalypse, save your brother, and watch our daughter grow up together."

He smiled a little. "Sounds nice."

"It's the truth."

"You psychic now?"

"Yup." I said giving him a cheeky smile. "I know, because we deserve some good luck, Dean Winchester." I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

"I miss Nel." He admitted quietly.

"Me too. I hate that we've had to switch her to formula, but I need to be here with you." I gripped his forearms. "I won't let you do all of this alone."

He held my face in his left hand, the coolness of his wedding ring on my cheekbone. "God, you're so stubborn."

"I am a Winchester, after all."

"Yes you are." He kissed me again. "Go home and relieve Lacey. Ill check in in a few hours."

"Are you sure?"

"You'll only be a few minutes away. We can handle it. Our daughter is going to think her parents abandoned her." He teased. "We can't have that. She will have so many deep seeded issues. It'll cost us in therapy."

"Okay." I said carefully. "Call me in a few hours?"

"Promise." He kissed me once more and I crawled off his lap, up the stairs, and out into the darkness of the night.

Dean

_Present_

I'd stared at Sammy's door for two hours. My ass hurt from sitting, but it was my negligence that got us into this place so it was up to me to make sure he didn't keep making the same fucking mistakes over and over again. I had to make sure he healed.

"Okay. Let me out. This is not funny." He said, pounding on the door.

This was the first he'd stirred in hours.

"Damn straight." I gritted my teeth. "Ain't nothin funny about this."

"Dean, come on. This is crazy." He sounded muffled behind the steal door.

"No. Not until you dry out."

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you. Just open the door. Please."

He was playing to my emotions. I clenched my fists and stood up, deciding maybe it was best if I kept moving. "You don't have to apologize, Sammy. It's not your fault. It's not your fault that you lied to me over and over again. I get it now. You couldn't help it."

I could hear Sams fist slam against the door. "I'm not some junkie."

I walked to the door to confront him. "Really? I guess I've just imagined how strung out you've been lately."

He laughed, as if it was a ridiculous concept. That pissed me off. "You're actually trying to twist this into some kind of ridiculous drug intervention?"

"If it smells like a duck."

"Dean, I'm not drinking the demon blood for kicks." He said desperately. "I'm getting strong enough to kill Lilith."

"Strong?" I flung open the window to get a look at him. He winced at the light that poured in. His eyes blood shot, and his pupils dilated.

"Yeah."

"This is about as far away from strong as you can get. Try weak. Try desperate. Pathetic." I said more angrily than I meant. He was trying to play me. This was all my fault.

"Killing Lilith is what matters. Or are you so busy being self-righteous you forgot about her?"

I gritted my teeth. "Oh, Lilith's gonna die. Bobby and I will kill her. But not with you." I shook my head. "No fucking way."

Sam leaned in as close as he could. "You're not serious."

"Congrats, Sammy. You just bought yourself a benchwarmer seat to the apocalypse." I said slamming the window closed again.

"Come back here. Dean! Let me out of here! Dean! Let me out of here! Let me out! Dean!"

I leaned with my back against the door and slid to the floor. I listened to Sammy bang his fists against the door and scream until his voice ran out.

Ava

"Thanks again for doing all of this for us." I said, rocking Eleanor in my arms. She was sleeping peacefully. I swore every time I saw her she looked bigger.

"Of course." Lacey shrugged. "Maybe you can repay me by getting me a date with the taller Winchester." She wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I swallowed hard and rocked Nel in my arms. I wondered how Sam was doing. He looked cracked out when we locked him away. He was drinking demon blood... just like when I was in the hospital. I blinked away a few tears. I was fucking exhausted. "Maybe." I murmured.

"You look like you're going to fall over." She whispered. "Give her to me. I'll feed her so you can sleep."

"I shouldn't.. she probably thinks I've abandoned her."

"I promise she doesn't." Lacey said gently with her arms open.

I sighed, placing a kiss on Nel's forehead. I laid her in Lacey's arms and smiled weakly, walking back to bed. I quickly faded into darkness the moment my head hit the pillow.

I woke up to a heavy arm around me. "Dean?" I whispered, squinting.

"Hey."

"Hey back." I whispered.

"How's Sam?"

"A fucking mess." He sighed.

"How's Nel?"

"Adorable." I sighed. "I was just too damn tired to even be a good mom."

"Being tired is part of being a mom." He said, kissing my temple. "Get some sleep, angel."

"You first." I said softly, pulling his lips to me. I kissed him gently.

I wish you could bottle moments. If we could, I would capture this one. The smell of Dean's coffee breath tickling my cheeks, the feeling of his large hand resting on my bare stomach like he used to when I was pregnant. Some habits die hard, but I wasn't mad about it. I wanted to take a picture of his head rested on my shoulder, his eyes fluttering with dreams, but even though a picture was worth a thousand words there would never be enough words to describe the way I felt in that moment. Even though the world around us felt like it was burning down, for a just a second, the moment between being awake and drifting to sleep, I was blissfully, and unapologetically happy.


	28. When The World Burns

 Dean

_About 3 years later_

"You really think that an underground bunker is a good place to raise a kid?" I asked, holding Nel in my arms as she pulled on my ears. She was bored. People say it's the terrible twos, fuck no. Try the terrible _every year._ Maybe it was because she was a Winchester kid, but she got bored running in circles. She got that stir crazy gene.

"I don't know where could possibly be safer than this." Sam said, with his arms crossed.

"It is greatly warded." Castiel agreed. "You had to remove a lot just to let me in."

"Yeah, but I want her to have a _normal_ life."

"I don't know if we can while we're still in the life." Sam said gently. "You ready to give up hunting?"

"If there are," I glanced at Nel. "M-O-N-S-T-E-R-S out there I'll be in the life. Gotta make the world safer for my princess." I bounced her in my arms and she fell into a laughing fit. "Want to check it out, monkey?" I asked her.

"I no monkey." She complained, patting my shoulder to instruct me to let her down.

I nodded. "Of course." I sat her down and her chubby legs pattered around the kitchen of the bunker. "It's going to be a bitch baby proofing this place."

"Bitch bitch bitch." Nel sang.

"Crap." I sighed. I needed to be better.

Those were the moments I missed Ava the most. When I felt like a failure. She would never make those simple mistakes. If she was here, Nel's first word would've been _mama_ like it was supposed to be, instead of _glock. How'd I fuck up so bad?_

"Dabby." She said, tugging on my pant leg. "Up."

I smiled at her and picked her up. I pressed a kiss to her nose. "What do you think?"

"I love it." She said as clear as day, her blue green eyes glowing.

"You heard it, boys. Unpack. We will figure out how to make it normal for her after we get some pizza."

"Pizza pizza!" Nel sang, kicking her legs.

Every night Nel slept in the crook of my arm, her little face against the curve of my neck. I could feel her warm breath on my throat. She would wake up every few hours to place sweet kisses on my skin, and I'd pull her even closer.

Our life wasn't logical. The Impala was never meant for a car seat, but somehow I found Baby a lot sexier knowing my girl was protected. We'd lived in the bunker for a few weeks, and gotten Nel into day care. It was particularly difficult, but considering that Cas had his wings, it was pretty easy for him to _poof_ and pick her up at closing time.

I was pretty confident that the women thought we were an item, but I didn't really care. My days of women ended when Ava died. I was a father, a brother, a hunter, and a friend. That was it. I only had room for one girl in my life, and she was more than a handful.

Ella

_About Sixteen years later_

"What the fuck is that?" Dad asked, looking up from his beer. His eyes landed on the purring lump in my arms. His eyes are wide and his eyebrows raised. He kept blinking as if he expected her to disappear at a moments notice.

"Her name is Clementine." I said flatly, holding the hairless kitten in my arms.

"I said _what_ is that. Not _who_."

"She is a Spynx, Dad."

"Who let you... why do you...?"

Jack walked into the room lazily, probably to get a glass of chocolate milk, or to make sure the ice cube trays are full. He's always very concerned about that. "Dean! I see you have met Clementine."

"Are you a part of this?" Dad asked Jack, standing up from his seated position.

Jack smiled widely, looking insanely proud of himself. "We cannot have a cat because you are allergic, but I read that you won't be affected by Clementine, and Ellie has been so sad lately. I thought she could use a friend."

Dads expression softened a bit, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "So you got her a hairless cat."

"Yup." I said blankly, scratching under her chin. Clem grabbed my hand in her paw and licked my palm. "But you won't be around much longer, so what do you care?"

Castiel came from his room, bursting into the kitchen with a large, toothy grin. "Good news."

"Found a lead?" Dad asked desperately, clasping his hands together.

"No, but I did learn how to knit a sweater for Clementine." He said, holding up the roughly knitted purple sweater. There weren't enough holes for all her limbs, but it was the thought that counts.

"Aww, Cas! Thanks. Do you love it, Clem?" I asked her, as Castiel brought over the sweater for her to sniff.

"It looks like a raw chicken. Why does it need a sweater?" Dad complained. "Am I being punked? Is Sammy in on it too?"

"Who do you think picked the name?" I countered, eyeing him.

"The fuck is happening?"

"Jack wants me to be happy. You know, that's what family does." I blinked at him blankly. I knew just how to get on his bad side, so when Jack pressed on what I wanted for my birthday I planted the seeds for a cat.

Nothing could've prepared me for him bringing home Clementine, though. Her big blue eyes, and loud purr were growing on me.

"I get that you're mad but _this_. Eleanor this is just now how we do things. You can't just bring animals into the bunker."

"My other two dads said it was fine. You did say they'd be taking over the parenting when you were in the middle of the ocean, right?"

Cas lowered the sweater he knitted sadly. I was being cruel, I recognized that, but obviously crying didn't work. I needed to make my way down the list of ways to guilt him.

"Can I talk to you in private?" Dad asked, low.

"I supposed. Jackie want to take Clementine?"

"Do I?" He grinned widely, opening his arms. I lifted Clem into his arms and she nuzzled him. "Hello, Clementine. I am your brother, Jack. You are a cat, and I'm half angel, but we are both Winchesters! Family is very important here..." He started rattling off as Cas lead him out of the room.

Dad crossed his arms. "What's this about, kid?"

"You really have to ask that?"

"You don't throw fits."

"Trying something new."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Michael must've been yelling again. Suddenly I felt guilty. He was trying to do what was right, like what he always did.

"No one said having a teenager would be easy, but _fuck_ you're making it hard right now."

"Well being your daughter isn't exactly easy either, Dean."

His eyes narrowed. "Come on, kid."

"What? You can use my name and I can't use yours? You can demote yourself to less than Cas and Sam and then you're _mad_ when I use your name? I use theirs."

"That isn't the point! El you know why I'm doing this. It isn't all about you! Stop being selfish."

"Selfish?" I bit my lip hard to stop myself from screaming. Blood pooled in my mouth, before I swallowed hard. "That's fucking rich."

We were in a stare off, which stubborn Winchester would bend first. He had years on me, but I had a rage inside of me that was untapped until this point.

"I don't deserve you to talk to me that way."

"I don't deserve to lose _another_ parent." I said blinking away angry tears. "Why does it always have to be us?"

I slept in the bed with him until I was thirteen. He wasn't home that often then, and I used to wake up screaming, afraid that I would lose him, that he wouldn't come home. So when he was here I was attached to him like glue. I slept right next to him, checking on him every few hours to make sure he was still breathing. He was so much more than a father to me. He was my fucking _world._ My best friend. I turned away from him.

"El." He whispered touching my shoulder.

"You've made up your mind. I get it, but I do _not_ have to be happy about it. I do _not_ have to accept it. You're just going to have to get used to it." I said, shrugging him off. I held my breath to keep my sobs at bay as I stormed out of the kitchen, and outside into the afternoon air.

Dean

_Present_

"Dean." Castiel said, standing next to Ava and my bed.

"The fuck, Cas?"

"We need to talk."

"I'm kind of busy." I said, gesturing to my sleeping wife."

"It's important."

"Fine." I said standing up. I felt weird and I looked down at Ava. She hadn't moved an inch. "What's happening?"

"You're dreaming."

"Right." I sighed. "You just invading my head now?"

"I have a message from heaven."

"What's that?" I crossed my arms.

"Lilith is on the last seal. The one that only the first demon can break. You _have_ to stop her, Dean. You are our only hope. Kill Lilith, or Satan _will_ rise."

"And what about Sam? Is he really the answer?"

"Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill. There's no reason this would have to come to pass, Dean." Cas said gently. "We believe it's you, Dean, not your brother. The only question for us is whether you're willing to accept it. Stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it."

I looked back at Ava. She'd be fucking pissed, but it was Sam. It's always Sam. "If I do this, Sammy doesn't have to?"

"If it gives you comfort to see it that way."

"God, you're a dick these days." I shook my head.

I stared at Cas. Something felt off, but maybe it was Sammy in the hole and the fact that I was dreaming. The morning wood I was sporting, also didn't help.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. "Fine, I'm in."

"You give yourself over wholly to the service of God and his angels?"

I shrug. "Yeah, exactly."

"Say it."

I raised an eyebrow. "I give myself over wholly to serve God and you guys."

"You swear to follow his will and his word as swiftly and obediently as you did your own father's?" It weirdly felt like a cult marriage ceremony, but I shrugged again and answered.

"Yes, I swear. Now what?"

"Now you wait, and we call on you when it's time." He looked at me seriously. "You are heavens only hope. We will call on you soon, and you must come."

"Yeah, whatever man. If it stops the world from burning up I'm in, but you know humans do need _sleep_." I complained as Cas disappeared in front of me in a snap.

I blinked my eyes. My phone was going off on the bedside table. I rubbed my eyes and answered it, feeling Ava stir at my side.

"Dean!" Bobby said urgently. "Shit, son, he's gone."

"What?"

"Sam escaped."

"Escaped?" I shot right up in bed.

Ava looked at me, her eyes wide.

"How the fuck did he do that?"

"Bunch of broken devils traps. _Fuck._ " Bobby grumbled.

"Ruby." I groaned. "How'd she even get through the door?"

"Maybe she's got mojo?"

"Well, I hope it's Ruby."

"Why?"

"She's next on my kill list. I'll be over soon." I hissed, hanging up the phone.

"Sam?" Ava asked weakly.

"Yup. Guess his dealer busted him out of the demon-proof slammer. Pretty annoying."

"You think you can find him?"

"I know that kid better than anyone. I can find him." I sighed. "Cas came to me when I was sleeping, Ave. They're on the last seal. We have to kill Lilith. It's now or never." I took her hand. "Cas said I'm the key. Sammy doesn't have to take down Lilith, and the apocalypse. Heaven thinks I can do it."

"You believe them?"

I met her eyes. "I don't think I have any other choice."

Ava squeezed my hand. "In that case, I'll put on my good bra." She smiled at me, trying to calm me down, but all it did was make my stomach hurt.

Shit was about to burn, and I wasn't sure if we had our fire extinguisher close.

We went back to Bobby's after thanking Lacey for the millionth time for watching Nel. I was starting to think we owed her a vacation, or at least a really expensive scotch.

"Two cars reported stolen since Sams big escape." Ava said, leaned over her laptop. Perks of being married to a detective. Even though I wasn't sure how she still had a job. "Old Gold Mercury Sable, 1994, or a white Escalade only a few years old with custom rims. It's got a spot light on it for sure."

"Sam would never take that." Bobby said.

I stood up with a grin. "And that's exactly what he did. He doesn't want to be found, so it's Opposite Day."

"Looks like the last ping of a cell tower was here." Ava said pointing to the map. "Now the phone is disconnected."

"Well that's a start." I sighed. "He's gonna be at a nice place. Flashy. You start callin hotels around there." I pulled out a pen and scribbled down some names. "Here's Sams aliases. Ask for anyone in the honeymoon suite. Trust me."

"You got it." Ava said with a nod. She pulled out her phone and stared to dial the first number on the list, and I walked to the counter for a coffee. The nights and days were blending together. It was getting hard to tell the difference. I had no clue what day it was.

Bobby walked to me and picked up his flask. "So correct me if I'm wrong, but you willingly signed up to be the angels' bitch?"

I glanced at Ava then back to Bobby. "My wife sell me out?"

"She's worried bout ya, kid. After everything you said about them, now you trust them?"

I sighed and took the flask from Bobby taking a swig. "Come on, give me a little credit, Bobby. I've never trusted them less. I mean, they come on like shady politicians from planet Vulcan."

"Then why in the hell did you..." He hissed.

"Because what other option do I have? It's either trust the angels or let Sammy trust a demon?"

He sighed. "I see your point."

"I think I found him." Ava looked up at us. She turned the laptop to us and she pointed to the reservation.

"Yahtzee. Good job, babe. Guess we are headed out."

"Son." Bobby said, taking my shoulder in his hand. "Just remember, you're there to bring him home. Be gentle with him."

"Yeah, Bobby we know." I said weakly.

Ava took my hand and we headed out to the Impala.

Ava sat crisscrossed in the passenger seat next to me. "You're worried." I commented, eyeing her. "You don't think I should work with Cas?"

"I don't know what I think." She admitted. "I'm just worried. I feel like you're going to disappear, fall through my fingers. I just got you back."

I reached toward her, and put my hand on the back of her neck. I squeezed gently. "You cut your hair. Sorry I never mentioned."

"I just didn't feel like me anymore. I looked in the mirror... my body was misshapen, and my heart was broken. I needed a change."

"There's nothing misshapen about you, Ave. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Yeah you look different, but there's nothing sexier to me than knowing that you brought my daughter into the world."

She smiled at me and snuggled closer, unsnapping her seatbelt. She rested her head on my shoulder. "We deserve a vacation after this. Just the three of us."

"I second that." I said, kissing her forehead. "Once this is all over we can finally rest."

I hoped with everything in me that I wasn't lying to her as I focused my gaze back up to the road ahead of us. The road to the fucking end of the world.

 


	29. The Man Who Will Save The World

Ella

_About Sixteen Years Later_

I sat on the ledge of a dairy billboard, drinking out of a paper bag, in typical small town fashion. "There she is." Claire said, her head poking up from the hole in the platform as she climbed up the latter.

"Here I am." I said sadly, taking another swig from my paper bag. I winced as the cheap vodka burned my throat.

"I don't imagine that's iced tea in there, babe?"

"Nope." I said, the p making a popping sound.

"Your dads worried about you. I can see why." She gestured to the bag. "You know the whole bad girl vibe is kinda _my_ thing."

"You don't own it." I frowned, kicking my legs.

Below me, the town was setting up for their local Halloween celebration. Dad and I always loved it. Scary movies, costumes, _candy._ Not this year. This year everything seemed to be lacking.

"You okay?"

"No." I said with a sigh, letting the bottle rest between my legs. The Townees were stringing up lights, dropping off hay bales, and carving pumpkins. They looked like miniatures, living their small, easy lives as mine fell through my fingers. "He's gonna die, Claire. He's gonna just let himself be dropped in the fucking ocean. Where's the justice in that?"

She winced and lowered herself next to me. "There isn't any. Life isn't fair. We've always known that."

"But he's always been there. _Consistently._ And now, what? I'm supposed to just accept that he will be in a box for the rest of my life? The rest of eternity?"

"No." Claire said, lacing her fingers with mine. "You don't have to accept it, but if it's going to happen you shouldn't be wasting your time here. I'd give anything for some more time with my dad, and babe you'll really regret it if you stay up here when you could be with your dad."

She was right, _shit._ I knew she was. "You're too good to me."

"There's no other way to be with you." She said simply, leaning in to kiss me.

I smiled against her soft embrace, against her watermelon lipgloss. _My_ watermelon lipgloss. "You wearing my makeup?"

"It tastes like you." She smiled widely.

"You're so fucking cute." I said, lacing my fingers into her blonde curls.

"I know." She smirked and kissed me again.

The townees couldn't touch us up here. For a small town in Kansas I didn't get much repulsion from the locals for my _extra curricular_ activities, as my home room teacher liked to describe it. Maybe they noticed the glock Dad had on him at all times. Maybe it was the fact that my home address was basically a fall out shelter. Nobody fucked with us, and I was fine with that.

"You and the boys going to the festival like old times?" Claire asked me.

"Maybe. We haven't really talked about it. Honestly, everything is all Michael all the time."

"You guys need a break. Maybe it'd be good to have some fun. Remember that?"

"Fun." I said dreamily. "Yeah, you're probably right. Besides, Jack would love the Ferris wheel."

"He's a weird kid, but sweet, ya know, for the Antichrist."

"Claire." I warned. "Don't call him that. Any of us could go dark with what our pasts look like, and if anyone's going to go dark, it sure as shit isn't going to be that little blonde angel."

Claire grinned at me. "There's my girl." She took my chin between her fingers. "Don't let your fire go out, kid. I know things are tough, but you're a Winchester, and if I know anything about that then I know you can figure out anything. And if you can't, then that's what I'm here for."

"I love you." I whispered, pressing my forehead to hers.

"I love you back."

Sam

_Present Day_

"The honeymoon suite." Ruby said, pushing through the hotel door. "Is there something you need to tell me, Sam?"

"Just trying to keep off Dean's radar." I said, popping my knuckles. "Now.. can we ... like lets not fuck around here."

"Hey, sweetness, relax." She said, with an eyebrow raised. She walked to me. "Did you miss me?"

"We just... we need to kill Lilith. This is _serious._ She came for me once already, and I Wasn't strong enough. I can't make that mistake again." I told her intently.

I couldn't bring the words that I knew were there to my mouth. The ones that would make Dean do worse than lock me up. The ones that would make Ava glad that she didn't choose me. The ones that would make sure I wouldn't ever see my niece again.

_I did miss her. I more than missed her. I missed her blood._

A chill ran down my spine as she ran her fingers along my neck. "You want a hit?"

"God, why do you have to call it that?"

"I'm just kidding, Sam. I'm sorry I was gone. I'm sorry Lilith almost got you. You're right, we won't make that mistake again." She tilted her head to the side and brought her knife out from her back pocket.

My mouth watered at the sight of her neck. I could recognize how fucking _gross_ it was. How much I felt like a monster, but there was nothing like feeling it rolling through my veins. Pumping, and making me stronger. She pressed the blade into her skin with a satisfied sigh. The blood pooled at the wound and I closed my eyes, leaning in. My lips made contact with the pulse on her neck and the heat from her blood entered my mouth and rolled down my throat.

I grabbed the small of her back and pressed her to me. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong, and even in that moment I couldn't remember my justification. I couldn't remember why I was doing it, all I knew is that I wanted _more._ And more than anything, I wanted her.

"Sam." She murmured, reaching down and taking me in her hand. "I guess you _did_ miss me after all."

I pulled my face away from her throat when the blood stopped flowing, and pressed my mouth to hers, her essence still fresh on my lips.

Dean

_Present_

"Are you ready?" Ava asked me, her hand on my shoulder. "We don't know what we're going to find behind that door.

"No." I said weakly. "I'm not. What if he's too far gone, Ave? What if he's already a monster?"

"He isn't. No matter what he's done, he isn't a monster. He's _Sam._ "

"Fuck, I hope you're right." I leaned in and pressed an urgent kiss to her lips. She kissed me back, trying to let some good fortune flow from her to me. I needed all the strength I could get. Having her next to me helped. Nothing could've prepared me for what I was about to walk into.

"House keeping." Ava knocked a few times, using an accent I'd never heard before. I smiled a bit, if the circumstances were different I would file that away to use in a role play with her, but I was too damn distracted, and the pit in my stomach was growing.

_Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill._

Cas's words rang in my head. I'd never forget the look in Sams eyes when I pulled back the lock. He was like an animal in a cage. I feared that Cas was wrong, that he was already that creature. That he wasn't my brother anymore.

Ava eyed me and used the keycard we swiped off the maids cart to push into the room. "Dean, don't." Ava said, seeing the scene before I could. She put out her hand, but I'd already seen. There was no stopping it.

Sammy was lounging in bed, the white sheets fucking _covered_ in blood. Ruby laid in her own underwear, little gashes and bites all over her body. Sams mouth hung open, he looked the way I looked after a big cheese burger or a piece of pie. He looked _full_. He not only was fucking this demon, but he was drinking her blood. A lot of it.

Sam glanced up at the sound of Ava's voice and quickly wiped his mouth. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and slid back into his underwear. Ruby was up quickly too.

"Stay where you are, bitch. I'd like a word with you." I said, pulling out the demon knife, and pointing it right at Ruby. I wanted to throw up. The scene was grotesque. It was so much worse than I could've imagined.

"Ruby, _go._ " Sam insisted, eyeing her. He had stepped in front of her. He was protecting her. _Shielding her_.

Ruby turned, and slid out through the window, half naked and bloody into the parking lot. I glanced to Ava and she shook her head. A battle for another day. We were here for Sam.

"Sam, you don't have to do this." Ava said gently, taking a step toward him.

"You don't understand. I have to stop Lilith."

"We do understand." She said, taking another step toward him.

My vision felt fuzzy as I tried to keep my anger in check.

"Dean we _can't_ let the apocalypse happen. You know that. It's up to me. It's all up to me."

"So what?" I growled. "You're just going to be Hell's little alter boy? You're going to be the boy king of the apocalypse? How does that make any sense? Castiel said there's another way, man, and if you hadn't flown the coop you'd know that. But fuck, look at you! You're _enjoying_ this!"

"No I'm not..." Sam said with a wince, pain evident on his face.

"Christ, man. You don't even realize how far you've fallen. What's wrong with you?"

"Dean..." Ava warned. "Come on, Sam. He doesn't mean that."

"This has nothing to do with you, Ava." Sam said coldly, turning toward Ave. "You made your choice, so stop trying to pretend like you care who I sleep with."

"I _do_ care, Sam! I care if you're putting yourself in danger."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it." He tried to flip things on Ava. He was trying to piss me off. It was fucking working.

"Lay off her, man. You're right, this isn't about her. It's about _you_. I can't believe you're trusting a demon."

"And you're trusting an angel? They haven't exactly been trustworthy, Dean." Sam countered.

"You can't keep doing this! If you keep drinking this shit you're going to be _gone._ Cas said I can do it so you don't have to! No demon blood required! If you keep drinking this the Sam we know will be no more! Is that what you want?"

"Maybe it is! Maybe this is finally my chance to get out from under your thumb. Out from under Dads! I lost the girl, but at least I can save the fucking _world._ I'm sure you'd love to take _that_ from me, too. Dean Winchester, everyone's _favorite_."

I was taken aback. Staring at my not-so-little brother. "Is that really what you think? You think I'm trying to do this for some kind of _glory?_ You think I've got some kind of hero complex? No way! I'm doing this for you! I'm trying to protect you!"

"I'm an adult, Dean. I'm not your responsibility. Look right here." He pointed to Ava who stood with tears in her eyes watching us fight. Seeing Sam the way he was. "That's your responsibility. Let me take care of this. Stop putting your nose where it doesn't belong."

"Doesn't belong? I don't give a shit how old you are, you are my responsibility. You were six months old and Dad put you in my arms and you've been my responsibility ever since. Don't you dare throw that shit in my face. I've been everything to you."

"And now you have an actual kid to take care of." Sam said seriously. "And me?" He slid his jeans on and a shirt. "I have nothing else to lose"

He slipped on his shoes and grabbed the keys to whatever car he was driving. "Now get out of my way."

"You walk out that door, Sammy, and I swear I'm _done._ I won't look for you. I won't protect you. Nothing."

"Sorry you had to see me like this, Ave." Sam said to her before turning to me. "Bye, Dean." He whispered before pushing past us and out the door.

Ava

The ride back to Bobby's was the quietest Dean had ever been. There was profound loss on his face, his forehead wrinkled and his mouth in a defined line.

"We will get him back, Dean." I whispered, touching his thigh.

He winced against my touch and shook his head. "Nope. I wasn't lying, Ave. I'm done. I give him his ultimatum and he chose. He walked out that door."

"Dean." I said gently.

He shook his head. "Don't _Dean_ me. This is the end of the discussion, Ava. I don't want to hear you talk about him again. Not while we need to figure out this apocalypse. I know he thinks he can fix it, but it's up to me. He's off the fucking rails. I don't trust him as far as I can toss his giant ass." Dean squeezed the steering wheel, his knuckles white. His jaw was tight and I swore I saw him grinding his teeth as he laser focused on the road in front of him. "The angels are gonna call, and I'm gonna stop Lilith, and I guess I'm going to do it without my brother."

I couldn't blame him. That wasn't the Sam we knew. He was something else all together. His voice echoed in my ears, burning holes in my soul. He said he had nothing left. My best friend, the boy who saved me... the boy who held me when I delivered my baby was gone. He melted before me into something unrecognizable. My heart hurt so fucking bad.

_On our way back._ I texted Lacey. _Thanks again._

Buzz. _Ain't no thing, chicken wing._

Buzz. _Figure out how to save the world?_

_Not quite._ I typed sadly.

Buzz. _It's okay! We believe in you!_

She said, sending a selfie with her holding little Nel up. Her fist was in her mouth, but she was smiling.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dean asked, eyeing me.

I didn't realize I was crying until my screen on my phone was blurry.

I showed him the photo. "She's so beautiful, Dean. I hate what.. um.. he who shall not be named said, but he's right. She's our responsibility. We should be there for her."

Dean smiled weakly and nodded. "Yeah. She is. You both are my responsibility, and I promise I am doing right by you. Nel can't live if there's no world to stand on. It may seem like I'm being reckless, but I promise Ave I'm doing this for her. I'm saving the world so she can have a world to grow up in."

"What if something happens to you?" I asked quietly, pain radiating through me. For the first time in a long time I was asking the questions that I needed to ask, no matter what the answer was.

"Then she will have you. It's never been me. I was never supposed to be a father. Never supposed to be a husband... you fave me that gift. Now let me give you one. Let me give you a safe world to raise our daughter in. It's the least I can do."

 


	30. The Time Has Come for Letting Go

Ella

_About sixteen years later_

"Hey, Dad." I said, poking my head into his bathroom. He was shaving. Cream covered half of his face. He quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, kid."

"Sorry I'm such an ass."

"Me too, for the record." He winked at me, running the razor over his skin, leaving a line in the cream.

"I see where I get it." I grinned, walking past him. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, and watched him rid himself of stubble. He always looked younger when he was bare faced. "You mad at me?"

"Never." He smiled at me. "I made you, which means I'm never gonna be mad at you. Frustrated at times, but never mad."

"Hm." I looked down at my hands. "Even if I told you I was wasted when Claire found me?"

"Steal my good whiskey that I've been saving?"

"What? No."

"Then, nah I'm not mad. You're a good kid, El. The reason you're so upset is because of me, so I don't blame you for drowning it a bit."

I shook my head. I couldn't ask for a better dad. Claire was right. "They were setting up for the Halloween festival."

"Oh yeah? That time already?"

"Mhm. If you don't have any cases lined up I was thinking... maybe we could all go. Like as a family. Dads, Jackie, Claire, the whole nine."

"What about the newest member?"

"What?"

"Clementine." He grinned at me, splashing his face with water.

"Christ, Dad. No, the cat isn't coming."

"She's kind of cute, though. If you get past the initial shock factor. Actually kinda looks like you when you were a baby." He teased.

"I'm so bad at rebellious activity. I'm failing miserably."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me, kid." Dad leaned forward and placed a kiss on my head. "I think the festival sounds like a great time. I'll talk to Sammy and Cas about it."

I wrapped my arms around his waist, and buried my face in his chest. "I really miss you when you leave, you know."

He wrapped his arms around me protectively, like he'd been doing all my life. "I know." He murmured. "I miss you too."

"Did Mom go on cases with you?" I asked when we released each other from our hug.

"Yeah." He smiled. "She was damn good, too. Saved my tail multiple times. She had this way about her. She could put together a puzzle without lookin at the picture on the box. She was always finding the answer. She said she had instinct, which was true. But she also was fighting against her gender. The hunter world is like all the others, a mans world. And fuck did she make us all regret feeling that way." He laughed.

He seemed so effortless, lost in the memory. His green eyes seemed far away. He closed them for a moment. "Sammy and I walked into a trap, and she saved our ass. Us and uncle Bobby." He laughed lightly. "She put two and two together in a way I never could."

"Bet she didn't let you live that save down."

He laughed and grinned at me. "No way. She rubbed it in all the time. That was... that was the first night I spent with her." He met my eyes. "You probably don't want to hear about that. Your parents as people, and all."

"No." I reached for his hand. "If you want to tell me, I want to hear it. I want to hear about how you fell in love."

Maybe it was the fact that we weren't fighting, or maybe that I knew he was going to die that made him crack open to me. He exposed his soft under belly, and I was going to poke it. I had to.

"I got hit real hard in the head. Kind of fucked up my inhibitions." He looked down, touching the back of his head, like he was in the memory. "She was watching me, to make sure I didn't die in my sleep. I told her I thought she was beautiful. Cute to be exact, and she didn't like that. Thought I was patronizing her. She chewed me out, and I had to explain... I meant she was cute. She was beautiful. Hell, kid, she was everything I didn't know I wanted."

"How'd she react to that news?" I asked, literally on the edge of my seat.

"She told me we couldn't have anything. Too dangerous. Not even for a night."

"But?"

"But I convinced her." He grinned. "I'm basically irresistible."

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help smiling along with him. "What then?"

"We stayed together all night. I think that was the night I realized that I was in deep. Before I knew I didn't want to live without her, and that was the night that I knew I couldn't ever lose her. So when she said it was a one night only occurrence I had to agree, even though it hurt like hell."

"It obviously didn't last."

He looked down bashfully and sighed a bit. "No. It didn't last. Nothing ever does." He looked back at me. "I'm tired. Raincheck, kiddo?"

"Of course." I said, quietly. A pang in my chest. I knew I hurt his feelings. I poked the wrong place and he curled back into himself, covering that vulnerable spot. I stood up and hugged him one more time. "Night, Daddy. Love you." I kissed his smooth, minty cheek.

"Love you too, Nel."

Dean

_Present_

"Where the fuck?" I was in my kitchen with my wife. She held baby Nel in her arms, and I was leaning in to kiss her. I leaned forward to press my lips to hers and I fell forward. She was gone, and when I opened my eyes I was in a weird, white, sterile room. There was a round table and two chairs. One door and no windows. I suddenly felt really fucking claustrophobic.

"Hello, Dean. It's almost time."

I turned, recognizing the gruff voice. "Cas? You literally ripping me out of the arms of my wife?"

Cas blinked numbly at me, and I turned again, feeling eyes on the back of my head.

Zachariah smiled at me. I'd met the angel a few times, and he always gave me the creeps. The gray whisps coming off his head seemed to float, like he was electrically charged at all times.

"Hello, Dean. You're looking fit."

"Well, how 'bout this? _The Suite Life of Zach and Cas_." I stared at the two angels. It was like talking to a fucking wall. I pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh. "It's a... never mind. So, what is this? Where the hell am I?" I gestured to the room.

"Call it a Green Room. We're closing in on the grand finale, here. We want to keep you safe before showtime." He snapped his fingers, a few beers and a pile of bacon cheeseburgers appeared on a large platter. I raised an eyebrow. If things didn't smell so fucking fishy I'd be stoked. I realized, with a growl of my stomach, that I couldn't remember the last meal Ava and I had that didn't consist of just black coffee. "Try a burger. They're your favorite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were 11, I think."

"Not hungry."

"No? How about Ginger from season 2 of Gilligan's Island? You do have a thing for her, don't you?"

I gasped dramatically. "Zach, I'm _married_."

"We'll throw in Mary Ann for free."

I rolled my eyes. This dude was fucking weird. "No, no. Let's... bail on the holodeck, okay? I want to know what the game plan is."

"Let us worry about that. We want you... focused, relaxed."

I flexed my hands at my sides. Ava was going to be seriously worried. I felt my pants pocket. Empty, of course. My phone was on the kitchen counter. "Well, I'm about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking, Chuckles."

Zach clasped his hands with a sigh. "All the seals have fallen. Except one."

"That's an impressive score. That's... that's right up there with the Washington Generals."

"You think sarcasm's appropriate, do you? Considering... you started all of this? But the final seal... it'll be different."

I frowned, not liking being reminded of Hell. _Keep me comfortable my ass._ "Why?"

"Lilith has to break it. She's the only one who can. Tomorrow night at midnight."

I stood up a little straighter. It was time. "Where?"

"We're working on it."

"Well, work harder!" I shouted. This guy was testing my patience. I glanced at Cas who was silently pressed against the wall, avoiding me.

"We'll do our job." Zachariah promised. "You just make sure you do yours."

I crossed my arms. "Yeah, and what is that, exactly? If I'm supposed to be the one that stops her, how? With the knife?"

I lazy smile touched Zachariahs lips. "All in good time."

I narrowed my eyes. "Isn't now a good time? You know, _before_ she breaks the seal?"

"Have faith."

"What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should." I took a step closer to him.

"Because you swore your obedience. So obey."

I looked to Cas again, this time I caught him looking at me, but he immediately averted his gaze. _What the hell is going on here?_ There was something they weren't saying. Something Cas wanted to say, but couldn't. He was an open book, that kid.

"I do want something, after all."

Zachariah raised an eyebrow. "Of course. What can I get you?"

"I want to talk to Cas. Alone."

Zachariah glanced at Cas, and groaned. "Fine. Castiel you have your orders." He pointed before snapping his fingers, and disappearing into thin air.

"You wanted to speak to me?" Cas asked, not stepping any closer to me.

"Yeah, man. I do. Listen, I need you to take me to see Sam." I said desperately. Something felt wrong, and I was worried. Ava was right, of fucking course she was. If it walks like a duck, it's probably a fucking duck, and the confined spaces of my new digs were making me feel like this duck had teeth.

"I cannot allow that."

I walked to him. "What's wrong with you? Of course you _can_. I just need to talk to him, Cas. Bring him here. I don't care."

"You want to speak to him after how your last conversation went?"

"That's exactly why."

"He is dangerous, Dean. He has consumed a lot of demon blood." Cas said gently.

I winced. I was hoping otherwise, but I wasn't exactly surprised.

"We need to protect him. We need to stop him from jumping into the ring with Lilith. If I can take her down... we have to help Sam before he gets killed."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I can't do that."

"So what? Am I trapped here?"

"Of course not."

"Then I want to go for a walk." I said flatly, eyeing the door.

"I'm not sure that's wise."

"What the fuck is happening, Cas? Just be a man! Just tell me!"

Suddenly Zachariah poofed back into the room.

"Christ, man. You don't know how to knock." I complained. "Let me out of here." I said right to Zachariah.

He shook his head. "Can't. It's too dangerous out there. Demons on the prowl."

I laughed out loud and shook my head. "Yeah, I don't buy that for a second. I've been getting my ass kicked all year. Now you're sweating my safety? You're lying. I want to see my brother."

"That's... ill-advised."

"You know, I am so sick of your crap riddles and your smug, fat face. What the hell is going on, huh? Why can't I see Sam? And how am I gonna ice Lilith?"

Zachariah sighed and rubbed his temples. Didn't know angels got headaches, but it seemed like I annoyed Zach into getting one. "You're not going to ice Lilith."

"Excuse me?"

"Lilith's going to break the final seal. Fait accompli at this point. Train's left the station."

"But me and Sam, we can stop..." It was like someone turned the lights on. Like I'd been sitting in the darkness. "Holy _fuck._ You don't want to stop it, do you?"

"Nope. Never did. The end is nigh." He said casually. "The apocalypse is coming, kiddo, to a theater near you."

I clenched my fists, my daughter's face flashing in my mind. _I've been so stupid._ "What was all that crap about saving seals?"

"Our grunts on the ground...we couldn't just tell them the whole truth. We'd have a full-scale rebellion on our hands. I mean, think about it. Would we really let 65 seals get broken unless senior management wanted it that way?"

"But why?" I glanced at Cas. He was avoiding my eyes again. _Fucking coward._

"Why not? The apocalypse? Poor name, bad marketing ya know? Puts people off. When all it is is Ali/Foreman. On a slightly larger scale. And we like our chances. When our side wins it's paradise on earth. Now, what's not to like about that?"

"Sounds too good to be true." I said smugly. "What happens to all the people during your little pissing contest?"

"Well... you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. In this case... truckloads of eggs, but you get the picture. Look, it happens. This isn't the first planetary enema we've delivered."

Suddenly I was glad that my brother wasn't here. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was our only hope. "What about Sam? He won't go quietly. He'll stop Lilith."

"Sam... has a part to play. A very important part. He may need a little nudging in the right direction, but I'll make sure he plays it."

"What the fuck does that mean? What are you gonna do to him?"

"Forget about him, would you? You have larger concerns. Why do you think I'm confiding in you? You're still vital, Dean. We weren't lying about your destiny. Just omitted a few pertinent details. But nothing's changed. You are chosen. You will stop it. Just not Lilith, or the apocalypse. That's all."

"Which means?"

Zach smiled, causing my stomach to drop. "Lucifer. You're going to stop Lucifer."

I felt like the room was spinning. "Tell me something. Where's God in all this?"

Zach laughed humorlessly. "God? God has left the building."

I pulled back my fist, wanting nothing more than to knock this smug son of a bitch out, but he blinked away from me again, right as my fist was about to collide with his jaw.

I fell to my knees and shouted, slamming my fists into the stark white tile.

"Dean." Cas said weakly.

I looked up at him desperately. "What are you gonna do to Sam?"

"Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself."

"What's that supposed to mean? God, just say what you mean! For once in your fucking life be _honorable_. I know Ava talked to you about that. I know that's why you healed me. We have somethin, Cas. Don't act like you don't know it. You aren't like these cold bastards." He said nothing. Blank. Like a fucking statue. Maybe I was wrong all this time. "Yeah, well, fuck you too. Why are you even here?"

"We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this."

I pulled myself to my feet. "Sorry? That's fucking _rich_ man!" I said, my fist colliding with his jaw. I needed to hit something. Anything. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hold my daughter. I wanted to say goodbye, because the longer I was here, the more I realized that I would lose that chance. "It's Armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than _sorry_."

Cas sighed, not even moved by my hit, even though my own knuckles throbbed. "Try to understand. This is long foretold. This is your..."

"Destiny? Don't give me that bullshit. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families... My wife, my baby, my _brother._ Family. That's real. And you're really gonna watch them all burn?"

Cas finally broke. He raised his voice, poking me in the chest. "What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you, Dean. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam. Ava and Eleanor will be there."

"Don't you fucking say their names." I clenched my fist and shook my head, avoiding his striking blue eyes. "You can take your peace and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. Ava's always told me that anything worth having _hurts_. The idea of losing it can tear you apart, but that's what makes it worth having." I turned back to him. "This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it." He turned away from me, and I grabbed his shoulder. "Look at me, damn it! _Help me, Cas!_ "

Cas paused for a moment before answering. "What would you have me do?"

"Get me to Sam." I said, desperately. "We can stop this before it's too late."

"I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed."

"If there is anything worth dying for... this is it." I told him, but he shook his head and sighed. "So, what? I offer to help you. You fuckers lie to me, and now I don't even get to say goodbye before you blow up the planet and for some cheap ass promise of paradise. I've heard it all before." I shook my head. "It's never what they say it is, Cas. One mans paradise is another mans Hell, and you know that I know all about Hell."

"Dean..."

"No, you spineless, son of a bitch. I'm done. We're done here."

The room was empty again, and I fell to the floor. I closed my eyes, wishing I could reach out to Ava. To pray to her like I could to the angels. _Baby if you can hear me, I'm so sorry. I did what I thought was right, but I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong... again._

I hit my head against the wall a few times, wishing for some clarity that I knew wouldn't come. It couldn't come. Sam was going to die hunting Lilith. The world was going to burn. I wouldn't see Nel grow up, or kiss Ava again. When was our last kiss? I couldn't even remember.

_Great._

_Squeak_. I opened an eye, to see Cas shuffling across the floor in his cheap, brown dress shoes. They made this annoying rubber sound against the tile. "What are you doing here? I told you to _go._ God, let me just be miserable in peace."

Cas ignored me, rushing to the wall, he took a blade and sliced open his hand. I stood up slowly as he started painting in his own blood. "What are you?"

Zachariah poofed in, almost as if an alarm went off saying _Hello Castiel is rebelling, again, wee woo wee woo._ "Castiel what do you think you're doing?"

Cas turned to Zachariah, holding his hand up to the sigil. The same one Anna had drawn so long ago. "I'm choosing honor." He said before pressing his palm to the sigil, sending Zachariah flying out of the room.

"Cas?"

"He won't be gone long. We have to find Sam now." He said, his hand wound already healed.

"Where is he?" I asked, rushing to him.

"I don't know." Cas shook his head. "But I know who does. We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith."

I frowned. "But Lilith's gonna break the final seal."

He shook his head, grabbing my forearm with a strength that I wouldn't expect from such a little guy. "Lilith is the final seal. She dies, the end begins."


	31. We Would Always End Here

Ella

_About sixteen years later_

I walked through the bunker after leaving Dads room. I didn't know how I was supposed to do this. How I was supposed to let this go? I made my way into the kitchen to make myself a cup of chamomile tea. Sam sat, leaned over his books, scratching his head.

"Hey." I said to him.

Clementine was curled up in his lap, fast asleep. I smiled a bit. _Bunch of softies._

"Hey." He grunted. He had a solid beard growing, and his eyes were bloodshot.

"You look tired." I said, grabbing his empty coffee cup. I started a new batch.

"Feel tired." He admitted.

"Any leads?"

"Not really." He sighed. "He still trying to go in the coffin?"

"You know he is." I sighed, crossing my arms. I pulled my robe closed over my pajamas and wiped a tear off my cheek. "He insists its the only way."

"It can't be." Sam said, burying his face in his hands. "After all we've been through, after all he's done, this isn't how his story ends."

I nodded. "Definitely isn't." I agreed. "We will find something. We always do."

I poured his cup of coffee and handed it to him.

"Thanks, El."

"Welcome." I said. I put the tea kettle on the stove and plopped down next to him. "He was talking about Mom."

"He was?" Sam glanced at me. "What about her?"

"The first night they spent together. After some werewolf hunt where she saved you guys."

Sam smiled a bit. "Yeah, she did that fairly often."

I rested my chin on my palms and looked at him. "Why don't you guys talk about her?"

"Just hurts, ya know?"

"Still?"

"No matter how much time passes, it never dulls the pain you feel when you lose someone you love."

I winced. _I will miss Dad for the rest of my life. I will be heartbroken forever._ I wanted to throw up.

"Hey." Sam said, reaching for my hand. "He's gonna be fine. He's Dean Winchester. We have fought the devil, survived the apocalypse, Hell, Purgatory. He isn't going to let some Arc Angel take him down. No way."

"I'm going to choose to believe you." I said slowly. "Because the alternative is too damn depressing."

"I'll say." Sam said with a smile. "Hey, come here." He pulled my chair to him and turned me around. He gathered my long hair in his hands and french braided it down my back. I closed my eyes. Dad and Sam were both really good braiders. They never would say who taught them or why they knew, but there was something calm about it.

"Did Mom teach you guys how to braid?"

"Yeah." Sam said with a soft chuckle. "We were pretty whipped. Yours is a lot easier, though. She had these wild curls."

"How did she die, Sam?"

He tied off the bottom of my hair and patted my shoulder. "Not for me to say, kid."

"Dad is going to _die_ before he tells me. I'll never know."

"Some things are better not knowing." He said seriously. The tea kettle whistled. "Get it before it wakes up Jack. You know that kid barely sleeps."

"Right." I said, weakly, standing up. I poured my tea into my cup, and dropped the bag in, letting it steep.

I lived in a house of lies. I gripped my cup tightly. I just didn't know _why_ they were lying. Something happened to her, and maybe if I had all of the information I could help my dad. I couldn't lose another parent. I couldn't spend my life missing another person.

Ava

_Present_

I sat in the rocking chair, my heels raising and hitting the ground on repeat trying to rock Nel to sleep, but she just stared up at me. Her fingers were twisted in my hair, tugging, but I didn't care. Her bright eyes looked at me in wonder. She had so much ahead of her. I could feel it. She was destined for greatness. "Your Daddy will save the world."I promised her, kissing her tiny fist. "We will raise you to be a great woman. You will have everything..." It was impossible to describe how much I loved her.

She cooed up at me and my heart melted. If the world wasn't burning around me, I would just do this. I would die in this chair, staring down at my growing child.

"But for now, princess, you have to sleep." I touched her nose, causing her to sneeze. _So fucking cute!_

"No luck?" Lacey asked me, coming back in from the kitchen.

"Not really." I admitted.

She handed me a bottle and I tried offering it to Nel. She took it, although she looked bored as she suckled. Her eyes were scanning the room.

"It was so much easier when I could breast feed." I sighed. "I hate giving it up."

"Makes things easier, though. When you aren't here." Lacey sat down on the couch, watching me rock her.

"I miss the bond." I sighed, before my eyes met Lacey's. "You can go home, Lace. If you need to."

"I know." She smiled genuinely. "But I'm here to help you. You've got some big shit on the horizon."

"That's an understatement." I laughed, drawing designs on Nel's puffy cheeks. "You're a good friend. I don't deserve it."

"You're saving the world. It's the least I can do."

I smiled weakly.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm worried about Dean."

"Hunky husband. Where is he?"

"I don't know. He disappeared in my arms."

"What?" Lace raised an eyebrow.

"He said the angels would come for him. I hope that's what happened. He left his phone... I can't reach him." I looked down at Nel. Her eyelids looking heavier. "I'm trying to stay calm."

"Are you even human?" Lacey asked, alarmed. "I'd be freaking out!"

"Thanks, Lace. Way to keep me calm." I laughed dryly.

"Sorry, I just... don't you think you should be looking for him?"

"I think I should just wait here. I don't know where to go." I shook my head. "I'm at a loss here, Lace. I know he will call me when he can."

"Will he? Or will he just try to do this alone?"

I considered that, biting my lip. "Maybe. I have to trust him, though. That's what marriage is."

As if on cue my phone rang next to me. I picked it up, standing with Nel, the sound of the phone ringing alerted her out of her impending sleep, and she dropped her bottle. I put her on my shoulder and patted her back. "Hello? Chuck? Is that you?"

"Ave, it's me."

"Dean?"

"I'm on Chucks phone."

"I see that. Are you okay? What happened?"

"Angels. Fuckin angels. Cas helped me escape.. we... we have to get to Sammy. Lilith is the last seal. Killing her is the last seal. He's walkin right into a trap."

"Oh my god." I said into the phone. "Where are you? I'll come right away."

I didn't see it coming. How could I have? At least that's what I'd ask myself later.

I was barely able to react as the lamp from my side table collided with the back of my head. My phone clattered to the floor. I protected Nel in my arms, who was screaming now. I was on the ground, even though I didn't remember falling. My vision was blurry. _What is..._ Lacey stood over me, holding the lamp. "I can't let you go to him. I can't let you stop, Sam."

"Lacey what are you..."

"God, you Winchester's just don't know when to shut up, do you?" She reached down and picked up Nel. I tried to sit up, but she pressed her boot to my mouth. "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Don't bother getting up. I don't need to hit you again, Ava. That'll do."

"Why are you doing this?" I mumbled against the rubber of her boot.

She tilted her head to the side, her short blonde hair falling into her eyes. "Lucifer must rise," she murmured, her eyes flickering black. "Just as it was foretold."

Sam

_Present_

My phone rang and Dean's name glowed and danced on my screen. I hit the ignore button before I could be tempted. He was going to talk me out of it. I had to end this. It was my destiny. It was my... I could hear kicking and muffled screams from the trunk of the car. Ruby had a demon in my trunk. _An innocent woman being possessed by a demon._ What was I doing? Dean had to be right. He always was. He was my brother.

I was coming down from the high that the blood brought, and I was having some serious reservations.

"Are we doing this or what?" Ruby asked, crossing her arms. "Come on, Sam. You know what you have to do. We have to kill Lilith, or we are going to be on the wrong side of the apocalypse. Or did you forget that I was trying to _help you_."

"I know." I said, running my fingers through my hair. "Your ways are just..."

"Inventive?"

"Something like that."

"Sam this is the way. You know this is the way."

"But an innocent woman..."

"All those demons that you kill with the knife.. what do you think happens to _those_ people?"

My stomach dropped. _I didn't._

"You're going her a favor, Sam. Otherwise she would die a long, painful, drawn out death, and the world will be in eternal hellfire, and honestly who wants that?"

"Ruby this is wrong." I said desperately. I knew she was a demon, but after everything she had to understand?

"It isn't easy, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. What is one girl compared to saving the entire _world_. Don't be stupid, Sam."

"I'm just starting to think that Dean was right."

"About what?" She asked, stiffly.

"Everything." I said, leaning against the car.

"He isn't. You aren't a monster. You're just a man who wants to make a difference." She touched my arm. "Come on, it's now or never."

"Just give me a _minute_ Ruby!" I said, shrugging her hand off.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why'd you ignore his call if you are all _team Dean_ all of a sudden?"

"I don't know." I admitted, pulling my phone back out. I opened my voice mail and selected for it to play. My hand shook, as I yearned for my brothers voice. My confidant. My mentor.

"Listen to me, you bloodsucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam...a vampire. You're not you anymore. And there's no going back." _Beep._

It was all fucking over.

My eyes flicked to Ruby. "Get the knife."

Ruby tossed me the knife, and I popped the trunk. The blonde nurse struggled in her restraints. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked terrified. _You're a monster, Sam._ He was right.

I grabbed her, and pulled her into my arms. " _Please."_ She murmured against the gag, sobbing.

"I'm sorry." I said, before pressing the knife to her corroded artery, and pressing my lips to her open wound, bleeding her dry.

Dean

_Present_

"Ava? _Ava?_ Fuck! Something is wrong Cas we have to..."

"We have to get to Sam." Cas said flatly. "You have to stop him. You're the only chance, Dean, I wasn't lying when I said that. You know where he will be, go to him."

I looked around, clenching my fists. "Fine, but you have to find Ava. Make sure she's okay."

"Yes." He said with a nod. "I will."

"And Cas?"

"Yes Dean?"

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me yet, Dean." Cas said, before disappearing.

I jogged out of Chucks house and hopped into the Impala. I dialed Sams number as I drove toward the convent where it was all going to go down. I didn't have much time. "You've reached Sam's other cell. Leave me a message." _Beep._

"Sammy," I sighed. "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Listen, man. You aren't a monster. You're doing what you think is best. It's all we can do, but they're liars. Sam they're all liars. Whatever you do, don't go to the convent. Don't kill Lilith. It's a trap. She's the last seal. Please listen to me, Sammy. If you've ever trusted me it's time to trust me now. Poughkeepsie man, _Poughkeepsie._ "

I hung up the phone and drove as fast as I could. Wind and rain howled around me. It was like a fucking lightening storm. _Omans._ I thought to myself as I gripped the steering wheel. "Cas!" I shouted out a prayer. "Tell me Ave is okay! Christ, man!" How was I supposed to keep going, to fight the good fight if I didn't know if she was safe.

"Fuck!" I shouted, hitting the steering wheel.

The Impala climbed up the hill to St Mary's. It looked almost Victorian, which didn't make a lot of sense for where we were at. I pushed my car to the max, rushing as quickly as I could up the hill as I could. I had to make it to Sammy before it was too late.

Ava

"Ow." I whispered, touching the back of my head. My hand was covered in blood. _Great._ I blinked a few times. _Where am I?_ It looked like a church, or a convent. There was a large cross with Jesus nailed to it, he was weeping.

I tried to stand up, but I couldn't move.

"Sorry, sweetie. I can't let you get up."

I turned my eyes up to see Lacey cradling Nel. "What a little cutie, isn't she?"

"What are you doing?" I hissed. "Give me my daughter back.

"Is she even your daughter? You've barely been home." She gasped dramatically.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Lacey." She smiled. "You thought you made a friend that easily? Oh _honey_. It was torture being your friend, and I've been to actual Hell. I know all about torture." She laughed darkly. "You said it yourself. This little one has a big destiny. I'll make sure of that."

"What are you saying?" I asked, desperately fighting against the invisible restraints.

Lacey rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers, removing my voice. I gasped and tried to scream to no avail.

"God you just keep talking. Come here little Eleanor. I won't make you listen to her anymore."

I closed my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't know how, but suddenly I knew that this was the end. _Dean, wherever you are... I love you and I'm so sorry I couldn't protect her. I let her do this. I let her into our lives... and now... now it's all over._

"Is this her?

"Yes." Lacey said in response to another female voice.

I opened my eyes, but everything was blurry from my tears. From the air. There was a darkness in here. I could feel it to my core. Whatever just entered the room was evil. It was like how the air changed right before a storm. I shifted a little against the pressure on my body from Lacey holding me down.

_Who are you?_

"Sam should be here any minute." The woman said. "He is coming to kill me."

_Lilith._

"Just as it was foretold, the first demon will be the last seal." Lacey said proudly. "And here I have the next generation. Consider it an insurance policy."

"It was the right move." Lilith agreed. "Plus." She smiled. "If the child is in danger, there's nothing Sam won't do to protect her. His honor will be his destruction."

_Oh, Sam. Please don't... don't walk into a trap._ But I knew, from all of my time with the Winchesters, that that was exactly what he was going to do.

Lacey looked toward the door. "Lilith it's time." She said softly, before walking to me, and laying on the floor next to me, Nel sleeping innocently in her arms. I thrashed again, trying to reach her, but my own body betrayed me. I couldn't reach, I couldn't move, all I felt was pain. My chest ached and cried out. My throat burned from the sobs that wracked my body.

The doors to the sanctuary flew open and Sam stepped into the door with Ruby at his flank. Thunder rolled, almost shaking the room. It seemed like it was storming heavily outside. I could hear the rain and hail slam against the large stained glass window at the peak of the sanctuary.

Sam put his hand out, palm flat and Lilith flung across the room, slamming into the alter. He hadn't seen us yet.

"Sam!" Lacey cried out before she faked silence as well.

"What the?"

Lilith flicked her hand, pushing Sam back. He reacted quickly and put his own hand out, pushing her back against the alter and holding her there. I watched her strain and fight against him, much like how I was fighting. I heard the sound of boots on the stone floor and I squinted through the door, and for a second he was there. I thought we'd made it. If he was here it would all be okay. It always was.

Dean.

Ruby grinned and flicked her wrist, the doors slamming shut right in front of him. "No!" He screamed, but they were immediately muffled but the wind whirling angrily outside the church.

I closed my eyes tightly again. _He will find a way. He always does._

Sam walked toward Lilith. "Don't worry, Ave. I won't let her hurt you."

_It's not just her!_ I wanted to scream, desperately, but nothing came out.

"I've been waiting for this... for a very long time." He said early, his fingers curling into a fist.

"Then give me your best shot." She hissed.

He held out both hands and shouted, focusing everything he had. His eyes were clamped shut before they flung back open. His pupils had taken over the white of his eyes. Demon black. He opened his fists and shouted out as a pulse of white light came from him and stroked Lilith. She screamed out in pain, but only for a second.

"Sam!" Dean screamed through the door, his fists slamming against it. He didn't see us. Maybe it was for the best.

Sam turned to look at the door.

"Sam! Sammy!"

"Dean?"

Ruby stepped to him, putting her mouth near his face. "What are you waiting for?! Now! Sam, now!"

Lilith spit out blood and laughed, her teeth red. "You turned yourself into a freak. A monster. And now you're not gonna bite? I'm sorry, but that is honestly adorable."

I hoped she was right.

Sam turned, and I saw the look on his face. The blackness of his eyes and the smile on his face. He was going to do it, and fuck he was going to like it. He held out a hand, and effortlessly sent a ball of power. Of light. Of energy right into Lilith chest. She convulsed, and yowled out in a way that was almost animalistic. The burn marks on her chest from the energy lit flame, and she combusted into a poof of smoldering, black ashes.

The fire came out, igniting her blood from before in a pattern, a circle and then it twisted in on itself. _Oh no!_

"What the hell?" Sam asked, stepping back. His eyes were his own again, and he looked freaked.

"I can't believe it." Ruby murmured.

"Ruby, what's going on?" He turned to her.

"You did it. I mean, it was a little touch-and-go there for a while, but... you did it."

"What? What did I do?"

A smile grew on her face, her eyes lighting up in the flames. "You opened the door. And now he's free at last. He's free at last!"

Sam covered his mouth. "No, no, no. I stopped her. I killed Lilith!"

"And it is written that the first demon shall be the last seal. And you bust her open. Now guess who's coming to dinner?"

"Oh, my god."

"Guess again."

"You lying bitch!" He held his hand out, and nothing happened.

"Don't hurt yourself, Sammy. It's useless. You shot your payload on the boss."

I thrashed against my restraints that still held well. My breathing was getting more difficult, like the air in the room was getting sucked away by something.

"The blood... You poisoned me."

"No. It wasn't the blood. It was you... and your choices. I just gave you the options, and you chose the right path every time. You didn't need the feather to fly, you had it in you the whole time, Dumbo! I know it's hard to see it now... but this is a miracle. So long coming. Everything Azazel did, and Lilith did. Just to get you here. And you were the only one who could do it."

"Why? W-why me?"

"Because... because it had to be you, Sammy. It always had to be you. You saved us. You set him free. And he's gonna be grateful. He's gonna repay you in ways that you can't even imagine."

I turned to Lacey and she winked at me making a shh motion with her fingers.

A cracking sound came from my right and I turned in time to see Dean kicking through the doors. He looked stressed, his eyes wild, a statue in his hand that he was obviously using to break down the door.

"You're too late." Ruby said with a grin.

"I don't care." He said, holding the demon knife up to her. She was so cocky, so happy with herself that she let her guard down enough for Sam to reach around her and hold her in place, just long enough for Dean to stab the knife into her chest.

Electricity seemed to roll through her as she convulsed, the creature under her skin dying and turning to dust.

"I'm sorry." Sam said, his voice breaking.

"I know." Dean said, before turning his head. He must've felt me watching, begging inside of my mind. "Christ! Ava!" His hand left Sams shoulder and he broke into a run after me. "Lacey! Ave! Can you move?"

Lacey sighed, sitting up a bit. "Killing Lilith must've broken her holds on me."

"Are you okay? Is Nel?" He asked, desperately.

"Oh, sweetie, she is so much better than okay."

"What?" He asked, frowning.

Sam ran to my side and tried to pull me up, but I still appeared bolted to the floor. I tried to dart my eyes to Lacey, to warn him. _Sam PLEASE!_ I begged.

The flames were still circling, but the pattern looked close to completion. We had to leave, but I had a feeling this was far from over, and not all of us would walk out of here. I just wish I could warn them.

"She's magnificent."

"Dean she can't move." Sam said, trying to pull me off the floor.

Deans eyes went from me to Nel. "Give me the baby, Lacey."

"I don't think I'm going to do that, Dean." She said sinisterly.

"Give me the fucking baby." He took a step toward her, and Nel sniffled, and began to cry in Lacey's arms.

"Ohh, shes hungry. Aren't you little one? I'm sure you don't mind, do you Dean?" She flicked her wrist, sending Sam and Dean to the floor, trapped just like I was.

"What the fuck?" Dean said as he hit the floor hard.

"Well I have been feeding her, you know. I'm sure she would prefer it if I just made her dinner." Lacey walked to the alter, stepping around the flames and laid Nel down. She pulled a knife out of her boot and sliced her palm open, squeezing the blood right into the open mouth of our child.

"No!" I screamed out, breaking through her compulsion. Seeing what she was doing was enough for me to overpower her, to rip myself out of her hold for just long enough for me to charge her. Blood rolled down Nel's lips, and the sudden noise made her scream out again.

I grabbed ahold of Lacey, knocking her to the ground. "You fucking bitch!" I screamed, and she just smiled up at me.

"Ave?" Dean called out desperately.

"You Winchesters." Lacey said, looking up at me. She pushed a curl out of my face. "So emotional."

Then I felt it all at once, the pain in my back. In my spine as she twisted her knife, severing my spine. I coughed out blood, tears of shock rolling down my cheeks. Lacey pushed her off of me. "I'll be back for you, kitten." She whispered, placing a kiss on Nel's cheek before smoking out, her dead host falling to the floor next to me.

Dean

"Ava!" I shouted. Once Lacey smoked out Sam and I were released from her grip. I ran to her, pulling her into my arms.

Sam jogged over, pulling Nel off the alter. He quickly wiped her lips.

I held Ava in my arms as she convulsed, her eyes rolling back in her head. "Shh, it's okay. Ave it's okay. It's not that bad." I said, gripping her clothes. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks, even then. She was here the whole time. Cas didn't get to her. Lacey... fuck we left Lacey with Nel. Who knew how long she'd been feeding her that shit.

I held her against my chest. I could feel her lose consciousness. I could feel her slip away against me. With every beat of my heart she was further and further away. "It's going to be okay, Ave. I've got you. I won't let you go." I said into her hair. "You're the one, sweetheart. It's always been you. From the second I walked into that bar. It'll be okay, because everything with us is right. You're the only thing that's right." I rocked her slightly as she went limp in my arms. I reached down and kissed her lips. I felt her breath mingle with mine one last time.

She was gone. There were no trades. No swaps. There were no take backs. She was gone, for real. There was nothing I could do. Not this time. I was completely helpless. I should've known that we would always end up here. This was always the end for us. It was written in stone. No matter what, she was destined to die in my arms, and I was destined to spend my life without her.

_About sixteen years later_

My bed creaked next to me, pulling me from the nightmares that plagued me every night. This one was particular. Talking to Nel earlier brought that night back up. The night I lost her. The night that I worried that we would be constantly reliving the past. Making the same mistakes.

Ever since that night Sammy and I watched Nel, worrying that she was going to develop abilities like Sam had. A taste for blood, like Sam had. He'd only had one taste of the demon blood, and she probably had countless feeding sessions with her demon nanny, but so far everything was fine. She was a great kid.

I opened an eye to catch her crawling into bed next to me like she had when she was a child.

"Hey, kid." I yawned. "You good?"

"Just a bad dream." She admitted, curling up next to me under the covers. I put an arm around her and kissed her head.

"Me too." I rolled onto my back and looked at the ceiling. "Want to talk about it?"

"I don't remember much... but there was an old church. Fire. You were screaming. It was horrible." She yawned. "Mind if I stay here tonight? I always sleep better when I'm not alone."

My blood ran cold, my heart pounding in my chest. "Yeah, kid. Sure."

"Thanks, Dad." She said with a yawn. "I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! I hope y’all liked the second installment of the Look in Her Eyes trilogy! I am happy to announce that I have the first chapter completed for the third part of the series titled What The Rain Can’t Wash Away. Up until this point, I’ve been uploading completed works, so from now on I’ll update chapters regularly on this third installment. I will also do any Q&A in the authors notes if you’re interested in knowing anything you can feel free to ask me, or ask my characters in the comments and when I post the next chapter the answers will be at the end! :) Thanks again for keeping up with the story. I hope you all love it as much as I do!


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